February: the worst month of the year. Seeing as this was the month I decided to join OKCupid, I was basically just setting myself up for a month of dating failures.
In the first week, I scheduled three different OKCupid dates:
1) Wednesday with one of those guys whose profile picture is him with a dead fish he just caught (that should have been the first red flag)
2) Monday with someone who was completely not my type but played at my weakness for food by offering to take me out for food on the first date. (I ended up cancelling this and never rescheduling.)
3) Wednesday with a guy who looked really attractive in some pictures but balding and only semi-attractive in other pictures – but still really funny nonetheless.
For the first date, I hopped in an Uber and met up at the same place I had gone on a second date with the anesthesiologist. The bar wasn’t that crowded except for a few couples and some guy that went nuts when his college basketball team won at the buzzer. Here is how it went down…
Problem #1: Juan Pablo Syndrome
You know when you are talking to someone and the entire time you can just see them waiting to start talking again? Well, not like this guy gave me many chances to talk in the first place, but when I did, he was practically jumping out of his chair ready to start talking again. I could physically see himself trying to stop himself from cutting me off (which he still did quite a few times). And when he was talking, I honestly can’t even remember what he was talking about. All I can tell you is that when he did go silent, he wasn’t listening – he was just waiting to talk.
Problem #2: Total Bro
Again, there isn’t much to really say about this except that when you see/hear/talk to a Total Bro, it is obvious. To add to his bro-ness, he continually kept referring to his friends as “my frat brothers.” I’m cool with the fact that you were in a fraternity in college, but kiddo, you have been graduated for at least 5 years now. It’s time that you just call them your friends now…or at least when talking about them to someone you just met.
Problem #3: Dull
When a guy has JP Syndrome, he typically isn’t dull at the same time. Well apparently it is possible because boyyyy was he boring. No joke, my brain went into sleep mode the same way a computer does. I completely stopped listening to what he was saying and just smiled, nodded, drank my beer, and thought of other things while he went on and on about absolutely nothing interesting. I got away with this because – in true JP Syndrome fashion – he never asked me about what was on my mind.
About halfway through the date, I checked my phone and had a text from upcoming Date #3. It read: If you don’t think I’m gonna comment on this, you’re mistaken. Assuming he must have been talking about a text I had sent earlier, I asked him what he meant. Then I went back to my date…
Problem #4: Inconvenience
Usually when someone wants to meet up anytime after 8pm, I find it to be pretty inconvenient because I usually have to go way out of my way to meet him. But this first OKCupid guy lived not too far from me, and so I didn’t mind going out with him later in the evening. The inconvenience factor kicked in around 11:15. Both of us had finished our drinks and not only was I bored and hungry, but I was also just plain exhausted. I told him that I wasn’t trying to cut the date short (even though we’d already been out for about 3 hours) but that I had to get into work early the next day and would need to head home soon. He said, “Well, I was going to have another drink, soooo are you just going to make me drink it alone? You can just have a water or something.” Ummm, seriously? I said, “It’s not that I can’t handle another drink, I’m just really tired and need to get some sleep.” His response? “Well I’m going to have another one sooooo I guess I’ll have it by myself.” Honestly, I should have just left. But I asked for a water and stuck it out a bit longer until he finished his beer.
When he went to the bathroom again, I whipped out my phone to see the following response from upcoming Date #3: I mean, aside from that being a lovely leopard print shirt, I may just leave it at that. Oh fuck. Caught red-handed. It was time to get out of there.
Problem #5: First Date Check
Call me old fashioned, but I do expect a guy to foot the bill on the first date. Now, to clarify, if we happened to have a massive dinner or racked up a gigantic tab, then of course there are times when the girl should help out. Similarly, if it’s a second date, then who pays the bill is not a huge deal anymore. Despite this expectation, I will still make a quick I’m-expecting-you-to-say-no offer to pay, and many guys know the drill and tell me that they’ve got it covered. OKCupid Date #1 was not one of those guys. I made my fake offer and without hesitation he said “sure, let’s split it.” I typically won’t get too overworked about this, but I was tired and felt forced there longer than I wanted to be…and I had less to drink than him.
I am sure it comes as no shock that I never saw OKCupid Date #1 again. But now I was super bummed about Date #3 seeing me with Date #1 because I legitimately was excited to go out with Date #3. I didn’t know how to respond, and so I waited until morning to address it…