Overbooked and Caught Red-Handed with OKCupid

February: the worst month of the year.  Seeing as this was the month I decided to join OKCupid, I was basically just setting myself up for a month of dating failures.

In the first week, I scheduled three different OKCupid dates:
1) Wednesday with one of those guys whose profile picture is him with a dead fish he just caught (that should have been the first red flag)
2) Monday with someone who was completely not my type but played at my weakness for food by offering to take me out for food on the first date. (I ended up cancelling this and never rescheduling.)
3) Wednesday with a guy who looked really attractive in some pictures but balding and only semi-attractive in other pictures – but still really funny nonetheless.

For the first date, I hopped in an Uber and met up at the same place I had gone on a second date with the anesthesiologist.   The bar wasn’t that crowded except for a few couples and some guy that went nuts when his college basketball team won at the buzzer.  Here is how it went down…

Problem #1: Juan Pablo Syndrome

You know when you are talking to someone and the entire time you can just see them waiting to start talking again?  Well, not like this guy gave me many chances to talk in the first place, but when I did, he was practically jumping out of his chair ready to start talking again.  I could physically see himself trying to stop himself from cutting me off (which he still did quite a few times).  And when he was talking, I honestly can’t even remember what he was talking about.  All I can tell you is that when he did go silent, he wasn’t listening – he was just waiting to talk.

interrupted

Problem #2: Total Bro

Again, there isn’t much to really say about this except that when you see/hear/talk to a Total Bro, it is obvious.  To add to his bro-ness, he continually kept referring to his friends as “my frat brothers.”  I’m cool with the fact that you were in a fraternity in college, but kiddo, you have been graduated for at least 5 years now.  It’s time that you just call them your friends now…or at least when talking about them to someone you just met.

bro dance

Problem #3: Dull

When a guy has JP Syndrome, he typically isn’t dull at the same time.  Well apparently it is possible because boyyyy was he boring.  No joke, my brain went into sleep mode the same way a computer does.  I completely stopped listening to what he was saying and just smiled, nodded, drank my beer, and thought of other things while he went on and on about absolutely nothing interesting.  I got away with this because – in true JP Syndrome fashion – he never asked me about what was on my mind.

fake smile

About halfway through the date, I checked my phone and had a text from upcoming Date #3.  It read: If you don’t think I’m gonna comment on this, you’re mistaken.  Assuming he must have been talking about a text I had sent earlier, I asked him what he meant.  Then I went back to my date…

Problem #4: Inconvenience

Usually when someone wants to meet up anytime after 8pm, I find it to be pretty inconvenient because I usually have to go way out of my way to meet him.  But this first OKCupid guy lived not too far from me, and so I didn’t mind going out with him later in the evening.  The inconvenience factor kicked in around 11:15.  Both of us had finished our drinks and not only was I bored and hungry, but I was also just plain exhausted.  I told him that I wasn’t trying to cut the date short (even though we’d already been out for about 3 hours) but that I had to get into work early the next day and would need to head home soon.  He said, “Well, I was going to have another drink, soooo are you just going to make me drink it alone? You can just have a water or something.” Ummm, seriously?  I said, “It’s not that I can’t handle another drink, I’m just really tired and need to get some sleep.”  His response? “Well I’m going to have another one sooooo I guess I’ll have it by myself.”  Honestly, I should have just left.  But I asked for a water and stuck it out a bit longer until he finished his beer.

fucking kidding me

When he went to the bathroom again, I whipped out my phone to see the following response from upcoming Date #3: I mean, aside from that being a lovely leopard print shirt, I may just leave it at that.  Oh fuck.  Caught red-handed.  It was time to get out of there.

Problem #5: First Date Check

Call me old fashioned, but I do expect a guy to foot the bill on the first date.  Now, to clarify, if we happened to have a massive dinner or racked up a gigantic tab, then of course there are times when the girl should help out.  Similarly, if it’s a second date, then who pays the bill is not a huge deal anymore.  Despite this expectation, I will still make a quick I’m-expecting-you-to-say-no offer to pay, and many guys know the drill and tell me that they’ve got it covered.  OKCupid Date #1 was not one of those guys.  I made my fake offer and without hesitation he said “sure, let’s split it.”  I typically won’t get too overworked about this, but I was tired and felt forced there longer than I wanted to be…and I had less to drink than him.

you are really serious

I am sure it comes as no shock that I never saw OKCupid Date #1 again.  But now I was super bummed about Date #3 seeing me with Date #1 because I legitimately was excited to go out with Date #3.  I didn’t know how to respond, and so I waited until morning to address it…

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So Much for My New Year’s Resolution

After the holidays passed, I decided to give Hinge another shot to kick off the 2014 year.  One of my resolutions was to try to be more open-minded and to give guys a chance who may not be my ideal “type” as far as physical attraction.  I set a date with a guy who did not quite meet all of my criteria in the looks department, buuuut he did improv so I figured he must at least be funny.  We decided on going to the bar down the block from me, which had not seen me on a first date since the guy I asked out at the bar.  When I met him, he was tall and had more scruff than expected, so things were off to a good start….at least, for the first 20 minutes.

Problem #1: TMI

He wasn’t as funny as I had hoped, but I didn’t care so much that he wasn’t leaving me in stitches the whole time. I did care, though, that he was divulging his entire financial situation to me. From loans to medical bills, it was sufficiently awkward for me to respond and react to the level of detail he was providing. Even if I hadn’t felt all that uncomfortable about what he was telling me, it just wasn’t an appropriate initial conversation to have on a first date with a total stranger.

help me im poor

Problem #2: Debate Team Champion

It just so happened to be trivia night, and even though we weren’t playing, we did try to answer some of the questions here and there. Due to the fact that I suck at trivia (unless it is Family Feud-style, duh), there were few questions that I knew the answers to.  However, apparently I retained something from my 12 years of Catholic school education because I immediately answered “Veronica” when they asked “who wiped the face of Jesus on the way to Calvary?”  Well…that sparked the beginning of his rant on Atheism vs. Catholicism, why he is Atheist, and why the rest of the world should be Atheist too.  He argued about science, about coincidence, about the evils of organized religion, the whole shabang.  Hey, I’m not even all that religious anymore, but once he finished talking, I was pretty much ready for the check.  For shits and giggles I did also ask him if he believed in karma or ghosts.  Again, he went into a passionate explanation about how we are here on this earth alone and there are no outside forces and when we die, we die.  No amount of alcohol was really able to improve the mood after that one-sided conversation.  If this is what he brings up on first dates, then I have no idea what controversial topics he must bring up to the public audiences who go see him perform improv.

cool it

The goodbye was also pretty awkward, but I won’t consider it as Problem #3 because I am sure I added to the awkwardness just as much as he did.  We hugged goodbye, I said thank you, then started walking the other direction.  He offered to walk me to my apartment, but I said it was just down the block and that it was totally fine.  I thanked him again and started to walk away when he said “ummm… ok…. I guess ‘bye’ then” – as if I was blowing him off. Sorry buddy, call me rude, but I wasn’t about to let him walk me to my door and see which exact apartment unit I lived in.  Thanks but no thanks.  And that is the last I saw of improv guy… and the last time I went out with someone I wasn’t at least somewhat-to-very attracted to.

Getting Back on the Hinge Horse

I took some time before going on another date after my first almost-successful Hinge experience, but eventually I gave this app another go and met up with someone new.  I was not super excited to be meeting up with him, but I was at least intrigued – particularly because I had actually come across this guy on at least one other dating app and had been interested.  He worked nearby, and so we met up at a newer bar in the area after work.

Problem #1: Juan Pablo Syndrome

Aside from hearing him talk an excessive amount about work (see problem #2), I spent most of the date listening about his lackluster hockey career, which had only just recently ended.  Truthfully, I don’t have any issues with hockey players as people, but generally, it seems like too many of them hold onto the dream for too long before facing the reality that they won’t go pro and won’t be able to make a living out of playing the sport.  So I listened to him tell me about each team he played for, each location he traveled to, every injury he once had, and every job he considered getting once he decided to move on from the sport. He was on such a roll that I didn’t even bother trying to get a word in.  Like the typical sufferer of this JP Syndrome, he rarely asked me about my life. (Fortunately, we got appetizers, and so I was able to distract myself with food.)

britney drink disinterested

Peoblem #2: Work Obsessed

The topic of work will almost always come up on a first date conversation.  And understandably so, since such a huge amount of our time each week is spent at our jobs.  However, there are few things more annoying than having to have the work conversation for a prolonged period of time.  This is not only during first dates; I cannot stand it when coworkers, friends, or even family decide that the only thing they want to ask me about and tell me about is work.  With the fellah I was on this date with, we happened to work in the same field: sales.  Typically this can be a nice thing, since you both share that common ground.  But in the case of this date, this similarity led to him preaching the do’s, don’ts, and how-to’s of sales.  Honestly, I don’t care how amazing you are at sales…I will not want to talk about best practices for prospecting on a date – or any time after 5pm for that matter.  What killed me, though, was that this guy wasn’t even a sales rockstar; he was a hockey player who only just recently found himself randomly landing a job that just happened to be in sales.

sarcastic good job

Problem #3: Bad Body Language

No matter how into or not into a guy I am, I always make a point to turn my body towards them, make eye contact (or at least occasionally, if sitting side-by-side at a bar), and act interested and engaged.  When my date was slouched over with his elbows on the bar, resting his head in his hand, and not making any attempts to look my way, it seemed very obvious that he was not interested and ready to go.  Hey, I was okay with that because quite honestly, the feelings were mutual.  So when we finished at the first location, I was ready to go on my merry way.  Alas, he practically insisted that we go to another location to continue the night.  I said I had an early morning coming up, but I agreed.  Location #2 we sat across from each other at a high top table, so now we were face-to-face.  And you know what?  His body language was the exact same.  It was so bizarre because he looked just as disinterested in life as he spoke about himself as he did when I was able to get a few words in.

disinterested body language

Once we headed out of the second location, we were unfortunately heading in the same direction.  We passed his office – his OFFICE – and he asked me if I wanted to come upstairs with him to get something.  Umm…no thanks.  I made a beeline for the cab stand and despite his later request to go out again, I never saw him again.