Booze Bag Criterion

I finally ruled out the pompous guy after our second date, and around mid-March I came across a very attractive guy on OKCupid.  He was completely my type looks-wise, and he seemed normal and was well-traveled.  I messaged him, and we had several long messages back and forth before making plans to meet up.

First Date Problems: None

Going into our first date, I was the most excited I had been for a first date since the one I had with the Hinge guy I liked.  We met at a bar near my office, and I was pleasantly surprised to see he looked just like his pictures.  He was even more interesting than I had imagined and had already done so much with his life.  Even better, as far as the “problems” go, there were none.  He asked me about myself, he didn’t swear, he wasn’t a total bro, and he paid for all of our drinks.

Sounds like a recipe for online dating success, right? Well, not exactly. That “something” was missing. Still, I wanted to give it a chance because aside from the fact that he liked anime and talked kind of like Sean Connery, he had me feeling intrigued..

anime second chance

Second Date Problems: Sober…But He Got Me Interested by Talking about Other Girls Wanting to Bang Him

Despite date #1 being rather successful, I found myself being more excited for the sushi we were going to eat than to see him again. Dinner ensued much the same way that drinks did the date before. He was super interesting, he wanted to learn more about me, and he paid for dinner. He wasn’t drinking because he drove in (again), but the sushi was so good that I was okay with a sober date.

Now, he said one thing during dinner that might completely turn most girls off. However, it has the opposite effect on me because mimetic desire has always been a major thing that affects my interest level in a guy. My date told me how in Bali, these two Australian girls had stalked him out of the club and found his hotel room because they wanted to bang him so badly (he claimed he was passed out cold…debatable).

Most girls would be like “WTF dude?! Why are you telling me this?!” But me, on the other hand, I think it’s great. 1) It got me thinking about having sex with him. But even more, 2) if those other girls found him so desirable, then obviously there is reason for me to too.

He drove me home and kissed me goodnight.  Neither sushi nor hot Australian girls wanting him helped me feel that “X Factor” with him.  I was ready to call it quits, but I wanted to like him.  Plus, my roommates and a number of expert relationship bloggers preach the importance of being patient, and so I agreed to my first third date in months.

patience took too long

Third Date Problems: Still Not Drunk…But We Made Out!

We met up on Saturday, and seeing as he is able to get into the city rather easily by public transportation, I said he should try to come in that way and we could meet up nearby the stop he would be getting off at.  He made a suggestion for a dinner place, but when I arrived, he proceeded to tell me that he drove in.  WTF?!  The whole purpose of having him not drive in was so that he would actually have more than one drink.  He also told me that he forgot his wallet, and so it looked like I was going to be footing the bill for dinner and drinks (fortunately, he had a Visa gift card, which surprisingly had enough money to cover most of what we ordered).

He was putting some moves on me during the date, which was good since I was beginning to become convinced that maybe I wasn’t feeling “it” with him because we just hadn’t really done anything physical yet.  So as we walked to his car for him to drive me home, I pulled him aside and made out with him for a short while.  I will admit that I think it helped boost my interest level.  I left the date feeling a little bit better about going out with him for a fourth date.  Not thrilled, but at least intrigued again.

wanna make out

The Almost Fourth Date & Why I Never Saw Him Again

That following Saturday, my friends and I were going to a casual day drinking event for a local charity.  Since we were unable to meet up earlier that week, I invited him to come join us with his friends.  I figured this would be a fun way to see him again while also getting to see what he is like around his friends and preliminarily determine if he meshes with my friends.  But no dice.  He responded, “I’m actually trying to cool down with the drinking. Been a bit too much lately.”

what does that even mean

I first want to say that I am absolutely okay with people who don’t drink.  I love many people who don’t drink, and I know that there are endless reasons why people choose not to drink.  However, I choose to drink.  My closest friends choose to drink.  I’m not an alcoholic (although my doctor would probably think I am if I didn’t lie about my weekly drink count), but I’m definitely a social drinker.  While it would be great to have someone who could act as my personal DD all the time, I would prefer to date someone whose lifestyle is more in line with mine at this point in my life.  This guy and I were just clearly on different levels, and so I decided to stop seeing him.  Cheers!

cheers to wine

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Sex at Dawn without a Kiss

After the attractive pompous douchebag and I had our first date and then he finally learned my name, I agreed to a second date involving pizza, comedy, and hopefully a good long-awaited makeout sesh (it had been about 4 months since I was burned by the Hinge guy I liked and had had any real lip action).

We met in his neighborhood again, but this time it was at least accessible by public transportation.  Because he had a dumb phone, he hadn’t properly mapped out where we were going to get pizza, but we eventually made it to a small sit-down pizza parlor.

Perhaps it was the pizza and beer that was clouding my judgment (which is completely possible) during this first part of the date, but I was genuinely enjoying myself.  He wasn’t annoying, we had some good witty banter, and he did actually pay for the food and drinks.  Not to mention he was still tall and good looking, and so I was now totally on board for the rest of the date.

We left the pizza place and headed to the comedy show.  We had about 45 minutes until we could purchase tickets for the later show, so we went to the bar next door to pass the time.  I was optimistic and not dreading having to spend more time talking to him.  He continued to be enjoyable… for all of 10 minutes.

Problem #6: Debate Team Champion

The date took a turn for the worse after we snagged a corner booth and sat down.  Let me tell you, if the guy who argued about Atheism and this guy were to go against each other in a debate, this pompous guy would win hands down.  So what changed?  Well, a few short minutes into our beers, he asks me, “So have you read the book Sex at Dawn?”  “Nope, can’t say I have heard of it.” He was genuinely shocked because “alllllllll of the girls are reading it these days.”  Apparently he has girl friends who can put up with him because he continued to say how so many of them have been suggesting he read it since it is right up his alley.  I already wasn’t looking forward to the explanation he was inevitably going to provide because at this point he had the same matter-of-fact voice that my lawyer father gets when he tries to make a point (when this happens, it’s a losing battle; no matter what, everything out of his mouth is fact).

Sure enough, he proceeds to give me a detailed lecture about this book which explains why humans are not meant to be monogamous – because naturally that is the kind of conversation you want to have with someone who is on a date with you.  I’m not exaggerating when I say he went on and on about this book for at least 15 straight minutes.  There was one break about halfway through this nonstop rant:

Him: “Haven’t you ever wondered why men just want to sleep after having sex whereas women are ready to go for more?”
Me: “No, because that usually means he came and she didn’t.”
Him: “No, but when they both do, don’t you notice how women still want more?”
Me: “Ehhh… no, that probably just means she faked it and still needs to come the first time.”

He kept insisting that what he was saying was fact, so I just went along with it because I could tell it was going nowhere.  From there, he continued to preach the word of this book and why our bodies are built to not be with only one person.  When he was finished, he turned to me and said, “tell me your thoughts” – but by the way he said it, he really meant “tell me what you disagree with so I can prove you wrong.”  I calmly sat back in the booth, sipped my beer, and said, “Sounds good. Makes sense.”  HAHAHA I literally saw his blood begin to boil.  He tried again, “But what do you have to say about it all?”  I responded, “It sounds interesting and there are a lot of good points.”  He became visibly annoyed that I was giving him no pushback, and so I asked him, “Ok, well what kind of argument would you like me to provide? Obviously you want me to say something, so just tell me what and I’ll say it for you.”  This is when he reminded me that he hadn’t actually read the book yet.  (Dear God don’t let me near him once he has finished it and has even more to say about it.)

no you're wrong

Problem #7: Judge Judy

When he wasn’t trying to prove his philosophies of life to me, he was busy making comments on everyone around us.  To be clear, this was very different from people watching.  I LOVE people watching, and this was not it.  A sampling of the kinds of things he would say: “Ugh. Those guys over there are just here to pick up girls. I hate guys like that.”  I looked over and it’s just a group of friends watching sports with no girls anywhere near them.  Another: “That girl is so pathetic. She looks drunk and that guy will never go for her.”  Yes, she looked pretty intoxicated, but what need for such harsh judgments on a girl’s attractiveness in front of me?

judging so hard

Problem #8: Bad Body Language

As I mentioned, we were sitting in a corner booth.  I was on one side of the booth with my legs underneath the table just like any other normal human being. He was in the corner nook with his back to the same side of the booth as mine with his legs up outstretched on the booth side where I was not sitting.  As if this wasn’t rude enough, he also was not making any eye contact with me because he wasn’t facing me.  The TV was in front of us, and so he was literally lounged up on this booth, not looking at me, staring at the TV.  I figured, okay, since we missed the comedy show (yep, that show never happened for us), I might as well get what I came here for – whether it be in the bar or outside.  (Side note: I’m not one for making out in bars, but I was open to that option if it would get me what I came for while also shutting him up; I was all for killing two birds with one stone in this situation.)  With him sitting right next to me, I thought it wouldn’t be too hard to get some physical contact.  Well, long story short, he was unreceptive to anything I did, and he made zero attempts to make any move on me whatsoever.  To be honest, I figured he just wasn’t interested.  Or perhaps he picked up on my annoyance and thought I wasn’t interested.

cher trying for attention

Now that it looked like I wasn’t going to be making out with him, it was time to go.  We ask for the check and are informed that they only accept cash.  I was the only one with cash on me, so I ended up paying for all of our beers. Again.  What’s worse?  He never said thank you. Again.  But he did manage to criticize the watch I was wearing.

We left the bar, and we had about 5 minutes before my Uber arrived.  During that time he made no attempts at even a goodnight kiss, and so I left assuming I would never hear from this kid again – and I was a-okay with that.

I did actually end up hearing from him again.  Multiple times.

Juan Pablo Syndrome

Named after the man himself.  Who, you ask?  Well, in case you didn’t devote two hours every single Monday during the first few months of 2014 watching ABC’s The Bachelor, then here’s a quick clip which sums up why Juan Pablo embodies one of the most common problem I see guys exhibiting on dates:

To be clear, I obvi don’t expect my date to be asking me serious questions about topics like my political views or how I want to raise my kids someday – dear Lord, that would be an entirely different problem of its own.  But Andi hits in on the head when she says “I just never honestly feel like you were trying to get to know me” and at another point she says “I’ve never been with someone who has asked me so little about myself and when I try and tell you stories it’s like you have another story; immediately you have another story.” Unfortunately, by the time Andi came to these realizations, she was already far into the relationship (and by far, I mean a few weeks… which in the anomalous world of the Bachelor is practically an eternity).  As an avid watcher of that season, though, I’ll tell you that it was clear very early on that Juan Pablo didn’t seem to ask any of the girls many questions at all.  If he wasn’t making out with a girl, then he was talking about himself or his daughter.

Fortunately, we can all learn from this showing of self-absorption and realize it in our own dating experiences.  To be honest, I am shocked that it is such a common problem because I thought it was simple Dating 101 knowledge that you want to get the other person talking – more specifically, the girl.  You don’t even have to take my word for it.  Take the word of every girl’s man crush Ryan Gosling; his character in Crazy Stupid Love preaches the importance of not talking all about yourself:

Now, I’m not trying to say that every guy that talks about himself all the time is completely self-absorbed.  Perhaps he is nervous.  Or wants to impress me.  Or something.  But let’s be real, it isn’t hard to take a breather after talking about yourself and ask the person you are on a date with, “And how about you?”  The other person might be boring as hell, but it’s just courteous to act like you care about getting to know them.  (Plus, I’m willing to bet that you aren’t actually as incredibly interesting as you think you are.)  This also does not only apply to first dates.  Like in Andi’s case, it might take some time to suddenly realize that you know a whole lot more about them than they know (or have ever cared to try to know) about you.

So daters…if you realize halfway through the date that you are out of breath and know very little about the person next to/across from you, then you have the Juan Pablo Syndrome.