The month of September brought three new guys and three new dates. Like California Rolls and unseasoned grilled chicken, none of them were bad, but none of them were especially good. They were just very…. mehhh. Since no one exhibited enough problems to deserve their own post, I thought they should at least receive honorable mentions here.
Date #1: The IT Guy
Dating Problems: Dull and Work Obsessed
Funny enough, I had been talking to this guy way earlier in the year. We had even gotten to the point where we took it offline from OKCupid and were texting. Then one day, I woke up and decided, “
Thankfully, he did eventually ask me about myself as well (thus, preventing me from diagnosing him with the Juan Pablo Syndrome). Unfortunately, he later began talking about World of Warcraft which pretty much solidified my lack of interest in him. Game over.
Date #2: The Mover
Dating Problem: WTF Are You Wearing
I’d like to give myself a pat on the back because it turns out I haven’t completely lost all ability to pick up a guy in person. The only thing that really confuses me with this particular situation is that I barely spoke to this guy and, in my mind, I was super awkward in practically every interaction I had with him. Whatever, to provide some context: at the beginning of September my roommates and I were moving closer to the center of the city and obvi had to hire movers for the heavy lifting. One of my coworkers had recently moved to the same neighborhood and recommended the moving company that she used (and also just so happened to mention that the crew they sent was full of good looking people), so I quickly gave them a call and snatched up one of the earlier timeslots for moving that day. I have to say, even if they were completely unfortunate looking, I would absolutely recommend them to anyone because they were amazing. Buuuuut it also just so happened that most of them WERE good looking. In particular, there was one very tall gentleman that looked fantastically masculine as he lifted heavy things and put them back down.
Like I said, though, I was being pretty awky, and I swear to you that I could count on one hand the number of times I spoke directly to him. Nevertheless, I was fully prepared to give him my number before he left because a) he was hot and b) I needed practice making moves on guys in person since my game has seriously struggled since online dating has become my primary means of meeting new people. Unfortunately, in true awkward turtle form, I failed to give him my number, and soon each of the strong men were out the door. HOWEVER, later that day about two hours after the movers had left, I got a phone call from an unknown number. I rarely answer for unknown numbers, but for some reason I felt like it was going to be him. Not kidding at all, I had some strange woman’s intuition moment where I had this intensely strong sense that the call I was receiving was from him. And sure enough, my intuition did not fail me; it was the mover, and before I knew it, he had asked to take me out for dinner later that week.
Fast forward a few days and we were set to meet up a few minutes from my new place. He kept pushing back the time when we were supposed to meet up, which was extremely annoying because we were supposed to be getting dinner and waiting until 7…and then 8…and then 9 to eat a real meal was beginning to bring out the hangry version of myself. Typically I would just ask to reschedule but by this point I was three large glasses of wine deep with my roommates and the restaurant was down the block from me, so when he was finally ready to meet up, I buzzed out the door to meet up with my tall mover.
I figured it wouldn’t be hard to spot him since he was SO tall, and sure enough he stood out like a sore thumb. But it wasn’t just his height that made him stand out: he was wearing one of those collared soccer jerseys with massive lettering and obnoxious patterns all over it. Something almost identical to this:
Now that my eyes were blinded by the sight of this horrendous shirt that should never be worn at any time except during the World Cup, I just wanted to feast my eyes on food and some more alcohol. Thank goodness the food was good and that I already had a pretty good base level of drunkenness from the vino because my interest level in him continued to go downhill. It turns out he was two years younger than me, had dropped out of high school, aaaand… well that was enough for me to rule him out entirely. We finished up at the restaurant, he walked me home, planted a goodbye kiss on me (good kisser, I’ll give him that), and then the next time he texted me was on a Friday at 1am.
Date #3: The Hot Army Guy
Dating Problem: He Didn’t Like Me
Ok, so I don’t actually consider this to be HIS problem. The truth is, this guy from Hinge didn’t really have any dating problems. He was interesting, funny, and resembled Channing Tatum after I was a few beers deep. Throughout the date (and even now in hindsight), I really did think it went well… with the exception that my hair got a biiiiit on the frizzy side on my walk to meet him.
Despite the hair, I thought it was a shoe-in for a second date. I mean, we had good conversation and he was in no rush to leave the bar – he was actually the one who wanted to keep getting more drinks (and he was paying for everything). As I play it back, I’m thinking it may have been a good idea to not accept that last drink. Why? Well, I was exhausted since it was getting late + I already felt pretty buzzed before that final beer = a recipe for drunken exhaustion in its greatest form.
I’m imagining it had to have been something dramatic like that. Because let’s be real. There’s no other explanation for why he wouldn’t want to go on a second date with me. EVERYBODY likes me.
Ok, no, I’m
only kind of kidding and just trying to make myself feel better by using too many GIFs while simultaneously refusing to bruise my ego and accept that I may have been the problematic dater this time around. Or, hey, it could have simply been that he just didn’t feel any sparks, which I can’t blame him since I feel that same lack of emotion for just about every guy I go out on a date with. So yeah, let’s go with that: he just wasn’t that into me. (On that note, he even said something straight out of He’s Just Not That Into You when we said goodbye: “I’m going to be out of town for the next week, and it will probably be difficult to get in touch with me.”) Needtheless to say, he never reached out to me. I eventually made two attempts, both of which were answered with silence. So I gave up on that, and even though it was a bummer, it’s nothing that I got hung up on. If anything, it gave me hope that I am still capable of being attracted to my potential suitors and that I’m not asexual. Let’s just put a positive spin on it and call this a WIN.