The Movie-Referencing, Touchy-Feely Subway Kissing Stalker

Sorry for taking forever to update you all on my dating binge.  There are still plenty more posts to come after this, so I hope to not keep you waiting too long between each one.  In case I do, though, you can stay somewhat up-to-date with me by following me on Twitter (@ThePickyDater).  But without further ado, here is the breakdown of one of the first guys.

Unfortunately for this husky guy, he was walking into a losing battle because I wasn’t crazy attracted to him from the get-go. That’s probably a confusing statement because, well, I’m the Picky Dater and so whyyyy would I even consider going out with someone who was already doomed to fail? Ummm I just didn’t actually know who he was when I agreed to a date. Basically what happened was my horoscope at the beginning of the month (October) said that now is the time to get my sexy on so obvi I translated that to mean “aimlessly respond to any guy that messages me on OKCupid.” Pretty soon I was messaging back and forth with way too many guys, and that eventually led to us exchanging numbers and texting. The thing about going offline to texting is that suddenly all they are is a number to me. I don’t save guys’ numbers in my phone until at least the second date, mainly because it would be pointless to do so before I’m horrible at names and “Joe Schmo the Guy I’ve Never Met” has no place taking up memory on my phone. So I had at least 7 random phone numbers that were texting me and I wasn’t sure who each person was.

who are you

The only way I was sure was if I matched the name they gave me in their first text with the names of the people I’d given my number to on OKC – and that was clearly just way too much work. In the end, what got this guy the date was how straightforward he was about asking me out, followed by the exact time and location for our date. I totally loved that this guy took charge like that, so I agreed. Once I realized which guy it was, I was a little bummed but I was willing to give him a shot.

Problem #1: Pompous
When I say he was pompous, I mean it in a very different way than I did about the infamous Pompous Douchebag. And “pompous” might not even be the best word to describe him, but whatever, that’s what I’m going with. Anyways, the conversation we were having was okay, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that he was a HUGE fan of referencing movies, memes, you name it. It does take a certain level of wittiness to pull this off, and so I will tip my hat to him for this, um, “skill.” But the frequency at which he would reference movies was getting increasingly more annoying, especially when he started to quiz me on what movie it was that he just referenced. Then what really irritated me was what he did when I wouldn’t know what movie the line was from: he would call the bartender over and ask him to identify the origin of his reference – and go figure, the bartender almost always got it correct. It literally started to become a game to him, and soon my date and the bartender were bonding like the total hipsters they were over how they have seen way too many movies and how they couldn’t believe I didn’t know some of the movie references. This is no joke; the bartender actually ended up stationing himself right in front of us throughout most of the night in order to participate in this horrible game show of a date.

dont try making fun of me

Problem #2: First Date Check
Put simply, boys, it is in your best interest (if you like the girl, that is) to pay on the first date. That said, I have gotten a lot more understanding and forgiving about this problem when my date goes out of his way to meet up somewhere close to me. If you are taking extra time and/or money to make the date more convenient for me, then congratulations, I won’t judge you as much if you let me split the check with you. But in cases like this when my date chose the location which was conveniently down the block from him but a $22 one-way Uber ride for me, then I am going to be less than thrilled when you immediately accept my fake offer to pay or split the bill.

never seeing you again

Problem #3: Bad Kisser
I’m categorizing this under “Bad Kisser” not because he had no skills – actually, he was a pretty decent kisser – but it was the way that he went about the kisses (yes, plural) that has earned him a spot with the doctors. Ok, so during the date, he was super touchy. Had I been into him, that would’ve been a-okay with me…but I wasn’t, so I was a bit squirmish. When we left the bar, he said he would walk me to the subway (I figured I’d save a few dolla dolla bills after my pricey Uber ride over). Along the way, he had his arm completely around me, and since I didn’t want to have any sort of limbs wrapped around him, I instead ended up fussing with my purse throughout the entire walk.

dont put your arm around me

We were across the street from the subway station.  I could see it.  I was so close to getting out of this awkward situation.  But then… the Walk sign turned off, traffic started moving again, and I was stuck in his embrace at the crosswalk.  Next thing I know, his arm isn’t around me anymore and now he’s standing right in front of me.  I knew what was coming, and so I tried to look very busy searching the depths of my purse for my train pass.  Obviously this didn’t stop him.  He moved closer to me and planted a kiss right on me.

dementors kiss

Fortunately the forced kiss didn’t last THAT long because I was making sure to pay close attention to the street signs and traffic which allowed me to bolt once it was okay to cross the street.  Although his kiss was unwanted, I figured it would at least count towards any “thank you and goodbye” rituals that could potentially take place before parting ways.  Well, it turns out this was only the beginning.  This guy – who, as a reminder, lived walking distance from where we were – decided to join me underground and take the subway as well. He followed me through the entrance, led me onto the escalator (yes, he had his arm around me again and basically physically forced me to take the escalator instead of the stairs), and held me in place and was super touchy-feely the whole way down (yes, he was so smothering that I couldn’t walk down the moving stairs to speed up this escape process).  The time it took to go from the entrance to the actual gates where you pay was probably no more than a minute, but it felt like way longer.  All I wanted was to get rid of this guy.

shining you cant get rid of me

We buzzed our passes, he walked through, and for the first time ever I was pumped that my pre-paid card had run out of money. Mwahahaha we were now not only separated by a very reliable barrier, but in that same moment I realized that he was taking an outbound train and I was taking an inbound train.  YES.  I hollered to him to just go ahead and leave towards his side of the tracks, but he said he would wait.  UGH.  Ideally I would have taken my sweet ass time, maybe gotten my PIN code incorrect a few times just to prolong the precious moments I had away from him… but my train was literally about to pull into the station, so I had to move fast if I wanted to avoid a potentially longer wait with him in the event that I missed this train.  So I refilled my pass, went through the gates as my train was rolling in, and because I was practically running at this point, I did this sort of side-shuffle & goodbye-wave thing as I galloped away from him.  NOPE.  None of this stopped him from running up to me, grabbing my arm, and planting a kiss on me.  (Note: if I were into him, I could’ve equated that to a romantic scene when the guy chases after the girl on the train for one last kiss… but since I wasn’t into him, I’m letting the double standard exist.)

I turn again to rush towards my train because at this point I could actually see it slowing down for people to board.  But he’s still there behind me, also rushing towards the train.

Him: “WAIT!”
Me: “For what??”
*He grabs my arm again*
Me (as I continue to speed walk even faster towards the train, despite the fact that he is trying to slow me down): “Don’t you have to take the outbound train?!”
Him: “I want another kiss.”

I wish I was kidding.  He was seriously so aggressive.  I kissed him, shook him free, and was now about to break into a run because the train was at a complete stop at this point.  But he persisted.

dont go

Him: “Hold on!”
Me (now clearly expressing the annoyance in my voice): “MY TRAIN IS HERE.”
Him: “I know, it’s right there.”
Me (confused/wtf are you getting at): “EXACTLY.”
Him: “So you are fine.  One more kiss.”
Me: “No I need to get on this train.”
*He runs up to me and kisses me again.*

I didn’t even look back or acknowledge him after that last kiss.  I sprinted away and managed to make it on the train before the doors shut.  After all that, I had expected to hear from him again, but I never did – and I was not going to complain!  However, on my train ride home, the guy I had gone on a first date with that previous Thursday (the Adrien Grenier look-alike that I referenced in my last post) had texted me and asked me out on a second date.  I’ll be honest, I left date #1 feeling very mehhh but because he didn’t really exhibit any major dating problems, I figured I might go out with him again if he asked and if I had nothing better to do.  BUT by the time I received his text on this particular Monday evening, I was finding myself actually excited to accept his proposal for drinks near me because I at least knew that it would be 110% more enjoyable to spend time with him again than another guy like the subway stalker. So there’s my silver lining, I guess.