No more than 15 minutes after examining the sidewalk with my first date, I was off to the bar where I was going meet my second date of the evening. Now, if you’ll recall, I was way more excited for date #1 than #2, and seeing how fabulously that went, you can imagine how super thrilled I was to spend time with someone I was already not overly interested in. Whatever, I sucked it up and figured at least this date would involve alcohol.
Problem #1: Kinda Catfish
Guys lie about their height; that’s something I have just come to accept. But this guy was really doing himself an injustice with how blatantly he lied in this category. When he approached me at the bar, I don’t think there is any possibility that I could’ve masked the disappointment on my face. He listed himself as 5’8″, but he was shorter than me. Mind you, I’m 5’5″ and was wearing flats, so there is zero possibility that he was 5’8″.
To make matters worse, he was thin and just clearly didn’t spend much time lifting at the gym. I am not looking for a GTL Ronnie character by any means, but I also don’t want to feel like I am dating a freshman in high school. Sorry for being a bitch, but I would prefer if onlookers didn’t immediate think that I was taking advantage of an innocent underage boy. If he had a similar body as the Hinge guy I liked last year who stood at 5’7″, then this date may have been off to a little bit better start. But he didn’t, and when I explained what he was like to my friends afterwards, I said it in the type of voice you would use when describing a cute puppy or an adorable baby. He was just so little and precious!
Seriously though, I think it’s time that I lie and say I’m 5’9″.
Problem #2: Food Compatibility
As part of my picky regiment when perusing online dating sites, I systematically weed out all the vegans, vegetarians, and obsessive-compulsive healthy eaters. I figure the remaining bunch that I’m left with is similar to me and will eat pretty much anything. This guy didn’t answer the “Diet” question on OKC, but in one of his earlier messages to me he referenced chicken parm and pizza, so I took that to mean that our food compatibility was high.
Like I said, I got there first and went to the bar because I assumed we were just going to do a low-key drinks-only date. After he arrived, he asked if I wanted to get a table (note: if you get a table at this place, you are obliged to get something to eat too). Just drinks was a-okay with me, but he practically insisted that we get a table. I was super hungry, so pshhh, I wasn’t going to fight him on it.
I had eaten at this bar a number of times before, and everything from the apps to the entrees to the sides were incredible. Let me list off a sampling of a few of my personal favorites:
- Mussels with the most amazing sauce
- Cheese fondue with melt-in-your-mouth pretzel bread
- Sweet potato gnocchi that requires no further explanation
- The burger definitely makes my top 10 in the city
- Brussel sprouts that stink up the room but are literally everything
Remember, that’s just my list of favorites; it doesn’t include other amazing dishes like their bomb cheese & charcuterie plate, the beef tartare, or the oysters. I was sure that he was going to have a field day once he took a look at this menu, but his reaction was seriously lacking the ooh‘s and ahh‘s that I was expecting. I rambled off my recommendations, told him that I was totally up for trying any of the other items on the menu, but yet, there was no reaction from him. It looked like he was intensely studying the menu, and then finally he looked up and said, “I’m a really picky eater.”
Hmmm… okay. That’s fine. I used to be a picky eater when I was younger. I can deal with this. I tried to get a sense for what he liked to eat:
Me: “Ok, so what kinds of food do you like?”
Him: “Cinnamon sugar.”
Me (laughing inside): “Oh…. what do you mean?”
Him: “Well, every morning I have a cinnamon sugar bagel. Then every day for lunch I have a peanut butter sandwich with cinnamon raisin bread.”
Red flags. Red flags everywhere. I’m all for routine…. but holy shit. I didn’t believe that he had this every day, but he confirmed it. He eats a peanut butter sandwich for lunch. Every. Single. Day.
Me: “So then what do you have for dinner?”
Me (somewhat relieved… or so I thought): “Oh nice. How do you usually make it?”
Him: “Idk. The normal way, I guess.” (I ask him to clarify.) “Like on the stove.” (Pulling teeth to get more details.) “With pepper.” (OMG.) “I also like chicken parm a lot.”
I decided to settle with that answer, and then we got back to the menu. Since I was okay eating anything, I told him to pick something he liked. With the expression he was making, you would have thought that the restaurant was offering a Fear Factor-like delicatessen. He needed some help.
Me: “It looks like they have chicken wings; those are probably good. The warm pretzels with mustard and cheese seems pretty simple. Or if you are more of a salad kind of person, then I’m sure you’ll like any of these. Oh! And this one has goat cheese on it! Anything with goat cheese is amazing.”
Him: “I’ve never had goat cheese.”
Me: “WHAAAT!?! Why?!”
Him: “I don’t like how it comes from a goat.” (I’m confused.) “It’s just weird. I’d rather it come from a cow.”
Me: “So what kind of cheese DO you like? American?”
The cheese situation ruled out a good chunk of the menu, so he finally decided upon something: the chicken wings and a side order of fries. Eventually, we found our way back onto the conversation of his food habits.
Me: “Other than chicken and cinnamon sugar, what else do you eat? Like do you ever eat vegetables?
Him: “Yeah, but only mild vegetables. Such as carrots and squash.”
Me: “Mild? So what constitutes itself as an, um, intense vegetable…? Like asparagus?”
Him: “Actually, asparagus would be closer to mild.” (Shocking, because I’d consider it to be more intense.) “But like broccoli and spinach.”
The food came, and as expected, it was awesome. The wings did have a bit of an unexpected kick, but nothing unbearable by any means – and trust me, I don’t handle spicy very well. He, on the other hand, was struggling. It was literally painful watching him try to eat them. By the end of the meal, I had finished at least 5 wings clean to the bone. He…barely finished one.
Problem #3: Dull
I’ll keep this brief because I have already ripped on this guy enough. Let’s just say that my fascination in his picky eating habits was the most interesting thing about him. He had never traveled outside of the country, he didn’t play any sports, and he didn’t seem to have any hobbies. From what I gathered, his routine consists of waking up, going to work, eating a peanut butter sandwich, getting home, watching the Amazing Race, and going to bed.
All this being said, I do want to say that my date was a total sweetheart. He seemed really nervous throughout the date but was a complete gentleman throughout. I was actually VERY insistent that I pay for the entire bill, but he was adamant on treating me… to everything – even though he ate practically nothing. So despite the fact that I am a horrible person for exposing all of the negatives about my dates, this guy really was a very genuine person who does deserve credit for that.
Oh, and he didn’t judge me at all when I got the leftover wings and fries wrapped for lunch the next day…