The Moccasin-Wearing Admirer of Sidewalks

Being in sales and on an annual quota, the last quarter of the year is super busy for me.  Not a great excuse, but it’s the one I’m going with for why I haven’t been posting very often (sorry!). So bare with me, though, because eventually I will finish all of the drafted posts that I have started on each of the dates I’ve been on.

Anyways, if you have been keeping up with my dating life, then you know that I somewhat recently began serial dating (again).  The last guy I wrote about was someone that I was really not super attracted to prior to the date; fortunately, the very next day I had setup not one but TWO dates to make up for it.  The second date of the night was another “mehhh” date (oh, just you wait for me to share that story), but the first date of the evening was with someone I was genuinely very excited to meet.  Obviously, he had excellent scruff, but he also was clearly very well-traveled, was athletic (and more importantly, athletic looking), and was tall.  Top that off with the witty conversation that we had via OKC, and I was ready to go.  The only red flag was that he seemed to be a 9 out of 10 on the hipster scale.  I’m not trying to hate on the hipsters – ya’ll are cool in my book – I just personally don’t want to date someone that hipstery.  To give you a little taste for what I knew about his hipster ways prior to meeting him, here’s a screenshot of the very beginning of his profile:


The plan was to meet at a small coffee shop after work, but because it closed early, we ended up meeting at Starbucks instead (yes, too mainstream for him, but he had no choice).  I was there first, leaving me to creepily stare at the guy who somewhat resembled my date as I was in line…. followed by me awkwardly walking back and forth from my seat to the napkin counter until I managed to see that the name on his coffee cup didn’t match that of my date.

staring hamster

Once that was figured out, I decided to stay seated and wait for him.  It was a centrally located Starbucks, so every few seconds someone new would walk in, and I’d stare-down every guy until I was sure it wasn’t my date.  I ended up just texting him where I was seated and then did some people watching.  Between the interactions between the baristas and their customers, the homeless man outside, and the people sprinting out of work to catch the bus, there was plenty to look at to pass the time.

Then the homeless man walked in… but it turned out he wasn’t homeless at all.  He was my date.

Problem #1: WTF Are You Wearing?

The fact that I thought my date was homeless probably sounds like an exaggeration – but I swear that I am being serious.  I remember looking out the window at this guy before he walked in and literally thinking that he must be a new homeless guy that now sits outside this Starbucks (because there’s often at least one).  He had a large lightweight trench coat on that was way too big for him, leaving only the very bottom of his oversized, super-casual slacks to show.  To be fair, though, his outfit was not horrendous; it just looked like he didn’t just come from the office job that he said he had.  What made me really think he was homeless was that I saw him walking around with a gigantic bag of stuff, which is what many of the homeless people in the area are seen lugging around.

This dating problem was escalated at the end of the date when he went to go unlock his bike and massive bag from the “No Parking” street sign in front of the Starbucks.  Because it was an area with such high pedestrian traffic, I was shocked that he had left everything there while we were walking around.  He replied by saying there wasn’t much that people would want to steal.  He proceeded to open up the backpack, and there they were.  Staring up at me from the top of his bag of goodies were… MOCCASINS.

stacy clinton shocking

And I’m not talking about your nice leather Cole Haan moccasins.  These looked like the exact same kind of moccasins I wore in kindergarten with the beads and fringe (although his didn’t have the fringe, thankfully?).  Yes, apparently they do make these for grown men.  And no, no man should ever buy these to wear in public.

Problem #2: Just… Strange

Let’s get back to the actual date.  Shortly after I met him, I dubbed him “the professor” in my mind because he just seemed like that boring teacher everyone has had at one point in life who had a serious stick up his ass and everything out of his mouth was always said in a very matter-of-fact tone.  He looked exactly like his pictures (which is a good thing), but it took less than five minutes for me to know that this was not going to go anywhere romantically.  Still, we had just met, and I had to spend at least SOME time with him.  So we decided to just walk around the area.  We wandered through a few smaller parks and squares until eventually we came to a statue.  He wanted to stop and read about it – which we did – and then he got REALLY into it and continued to say his thoughts out loud to himself (or maybe to me, but I didn’t contribute anything to his musings).  In my opinion, he was a bit overexcited, but whatever.  I already knew I wasn’t into him, so I just hung in there.

I knew it was time to head back and end this date when the next thing happened.  He started walking really slowly, then started looking all over the ground.  I asked him if he lost something, and his response was, “I’m just admiring the brickwork of this sidewalk.”

okay cool whatever

The date ended up lasting 40 minutes.  As we said our goodbyes, he said he didn’t have to go quite yet… but I told him I needed to go back into the office and get some work done (lies).  I never heard from this guy again after that.

Only 15 minutes after this date ended, I left for the second date of the night.