The Virgin to Online Dating (& How I Set the Bar Way Too High)

My second happn first date occurred no less than a week after my first-ever happn date, and it was with a guy two years younger than me.  It was definitely out of the ordinary for me to date a baby cub, but his scruffy-looking profile pics got me to agree to drinks.

The conversation we had during most of the date was alright at best, but fortunately, he was as good looking at his profile made him appear.  And with each drink (we probably had 3 or 4 rounds – no food, might I add), he began looking more and more like Ryan Gosling.

Then at some point in the date, we started talking about happn and about online dating in general.  That’s when he told me… this was his first online date.  He was an online dating virgin.  I was popping his online dating cherry.

great responsibiity

So what did I do to make this a memorable first online date for Mr. Noah Calhoun?  Well, what eventually transpired wasn’t pre-planned, but before walking me to the subway he had to get some of his things from his office across the street.  It was cold out so he told me I could come up too.

We walk into his office and were greeted by rows and rows of unoccupied desks.  And what do you do when you are alone in an office after hours?


Obviously we hooked up.  We didn’t have sex – although he later said he would have loved to have gone into the conference room and taken me bent me over on the table – but we did make out all over his desk. Aaaand I went down on him.

you are welcome

I’m not gonna lie, even though I didn’t get too much out of it for myself, it sure was thrilling.  And the story only gets a bit better when I add in the fact that the janitor walked into the room about 20 seconds afterward, which makes me believe he was probably there all along.


Although he reached out once the next day, I never ended up responding. Beyond the physical attraction, I just didn’t see it happening with us.  But I don’t feel bad because I feel like I did my duty by making one of his biggest fantasies come true – his words, not mine.

dirt off your shoulder


Moving & Grinding Never Go Well Together

The first happn date I went on was back in March, and I specifically remember that it was an uncharacteristically nice day out which gave false hope for an early spring and a successful first date.  This guy was 29, and despite the fact that his photos didn’t accurately display how disproportionately large his forehead was to the rest of his body, he looked very much as I expected he would.  His look didn’t really fall into my typical dark and scruffy category, but I found him attractive enough to not immediately dismiss the potential of liking him within the first 90 seconds of the date.  That said, it didn’t take too long to dismiss him for other reasons.

Problem #1: Inconvenience

To be clear, “inconvenience” as it relates to this date is different from how it relates to any previous dates I had gone on.  No, it wasn’t a hassle for me to get there because it was basically on the route I take to go home from work anyways.  And no, it wasn’t at some ridiculous hour of the night either.  As far as logistics go, the date was not inconvenient.  The inconvenience really stems more from dating in general and how it takes up time I don’t have enough of and forces me to consume more calories than I should on a weeknight.  Going on dates is just an inconvenience that I’ve accepted; it is the prospect of eventually meeting someone that I mesh well with that keeps me from tacking the dating problem “inconvenient” onto every date I go on.

The reason this guy inconvenienced me was because shortly after we were seated and started talking, he told me that he’s moving to Dallas later that month.

wtf bro

Yeah, yeah, I get that he very likely was just trying to get a quick lay out of me. But he picked the wrong girl for that (ha, until maybe my next two happn dates…), and no way was he hot enough. So rather than enjoying this rare beautiful day and going to bed early, I was making conversation with a stranger I’d never see again. No thanks.

Problem #2: Work Obsessed

Like his first problem, he doesn’t quite fit into the dating problem category in the typical way either. You see, all of the “work obsessed” guys I’ve gone out with before can’t stop talking about their job and how much they love it. Not this guy. He couldn’t stand his job. Half the reason he was moving was to get away from his job and to get a new start and a new direction. Hey, I can admire that. But then he’d go back on the tangent of how much he couldn’t stand his job and career path in general. Fortunately, he avoided being Debbie Downer status because he had a hint of optimism about his future direction due to the upcoming move.

good for you

So all in all, was it a bad date? No, not at all. Compared to so many other dates, this guy was pretty normal, and we had decent conversation whenever he got off the topic of work. Did I see him again? No – he was moving to Dallas, remember? And I have 3 things to say to anyone thinking, “Aww, Picky Dater, if it wasn’t a bad date, then you should’ve given it another go! Long distance relationships can work!”:

  1. Just no.
  2. I’m the Picky Dater for a reason.
  3. He grinds. grindingI spotted him on the dance floor at a bar about two weeks later grinding up hard on this girl. I don’t touch humans when I dance, and I certainly don’t grind.

It wouldn’t have worked out between us.

absolutely not

Delayed Update on My happn Dating Spree

It’s too bad I don’t record my dating stories as I tell them to my friends right after they happen because I can’t imagine my next few posts (which are all five months after the fact… sorry, readers) are going to do any of my dates much justice.  But I’ll give it a go.

So here’s the deal: one of the newer apps I started using this year (particularly back in March) has been happn.  Basically it tracks your location and shows you all of the guys from the app you have physically passed, where you passed, and how many times you have ever passed each other.  Some think it’s creepy, but I see it as a nice reminder that my kind is not extinct and there are other single species among me on a day-to-day basis.  In fact, some of these people are actually pretty good looking, which does give me a little hope.  However, I still have yet to recognize the guy I’ve apparently passed 72 times over the past few months, so maybe a lot of these people don’t look like their pics… or just don’t exist at all which wouldn’t surprise me either.

where are you

To date, I’ve gone on four first dates with people from happn, and they all occurred in March.  Here you go, in chronological order:

  1. The guy who was moving to Dallas
  2. The guy on his first-ever online date
  3. The guy who made it into bed with me but absolutely not a second date
  4. The guy who was only here temporarily from Australia

Oh, and Mom, friends’ parents, and others who know me and think highly of me… I might advise that you skip the second and third posts.

you shall not pass