50 Shades of Chris

After my happn dating spree, I went back on Hinge and matched with a guy named Chris in early April. To date, I haven’t named any of the guys I’ve gone out with, but there’s a reason I’m naming him, which I’ll get to… after I address the problem (yes, there was only one).

Problem #1: Girl-ish Tendencies

The first thing I noticed was that, hey, he was pretty good looking! But that quickly disappeared once he opened his mouth and had a very high-pitched, girl-like voice. We got seated at a table for two, so we sat across from each other. And yes, he really was good looking and lived up to his profile! However, that voice was just way too distracting.

As we were talking, I noticed another thing that was actually even more distracting than his voice.  While he was just sitting there, he kept shimmying.

shimmy shimmy

Yes, shimmying.

shimmying

Serious shoulder side-to-side action.  I’d like to see anyone sit across from this and not be distracted.

shimmy

Ok, yes, I totally get that it could be a nervous habit. But that plus the voice added up to make his good looks disappear for me.

what happened to you

Alright, back to the Chris thing. It was after this date that I went back and noticed how a huge majority of the guys I connect with online are named Chris. And what’s even more interesting is that so many of them don’t fit into my narrow mold of what I consider attractive. Seriously, I think I might just be attracted to the name Chris.

Here are some descriptions of a few Chris profiles that I’m matched up with (and readers, I am just as picky with my swipes as I am in real life, so these guys weren’t an oversight; I just happen to find these Chris guys to be attractive):

  • Selfie-taking motorcycle driver & skateboard rider
  • 5’7″ with no scruff
  • Bald and has surpassed the “dad bod” in weight

You’re probably thinking either, “WTF that’s not like you and something must be wrong” or, “Wow, Picky Dater, maybe you are destined to be with a Chris since they magically make you not-so-picky!”

it's a miracle

Well, my track record with Chrises is not so fabulous…

  • The red head I was obsessed with in college. In addition to being SO far from being my type, he was also an asshole (or he just wasn’t into me as much as I was him, and I prefer to call him an asshole to make myself feel better)
  • The guy from Hinge that I really liked. What a gem… but he also didn’t like me as much as I liked him and chose another girl over me.
  • The original Pompous Asshole. While he continued to text me after even our second date, I was not going to endure another minute with him.

All in all, I have started to wonder if maybe I should steer clear of the Chris men of the world.  But if I do cross paths with another one, I bet he will be his own version of unique. Aaaand you can bet that I will share it with you.

totally going in my blog

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The Aussie Who Was Headed Back Down Under

The last happn date I went on was with a nice Australian boy, and it happened within a week of the office hookup guy and the pompous one night stand guy. Funny enough, he actually closed the loop on happn dates because similar to the first one, this guy wasn’t going to be sticking around town much longer either. Fortunately, it wasn’t as finalized as the to-be Texan’s plans were, but since his job (based in Australia) was only having him in this city for another few months, he was pretty sure he wasn’t going to apply to stay for an extended period of time.

Because I still had PTSD from the last Aussie I went out with a few times, there was no chance I would be taking this date to the bedroom.  At least not right away.

not again

So once again, I found myself on a pretty pointless date that was going nowhere.

Fortunately, he was a cool guy. There weren’t any problems worth noting, and we had good conversation.  While a relationship future wasn’t there, I could have potentially seen a hookup with him since he was good looking; for that reason, I was open to the possibility of seeing him again.  I probably accrued some bad karma points, though, because we texted he texted me here and there to hang out again, and I wouldn’t say no but I also wouldn’t commit to anything.  I kept saying some hypothetical day in the future… which never ended up happening.

Eventually he just stopped asking, and I did feel a bit bad about just leaving him hanging like that.  But he’s probably back in Australia right now, so hopefully my bad karma can disappear in a similar manner.

karma is a bitch

Because I’m a Grown-Ass Woman, That’s Why

(continued from part 1, here)

By the time we left the first bar, we were at least four drinks in and he was three dating problems deep. We were at the crossroads that any date comes to and begs the question: to continue on to another bar or part ways?

that is the question

I had two things to consider. 1) Did I see a future with him in terms of a relationship? Absolutely not. His personality was not attractive to me, and we just didn’t jive very well. Ok then, 2) did I see a future with him in my bed? Well, he wasn’t as attractive as I had hoped from head to toe, but from head to…neck, his scruffy look was getting better and better with every beer. So yes, I was beginning to see a possibility of him in my bed.

there's a possibility

I became more sure of my answer to the latter question after I learned how he is affected by tequila. Truthfully, I don’t remember how we got on the subject, but he ended up telling me that he gets very handsy and horny when he has tequila. So I figured if that’s all it was going to take, then why not? I’m a grown-ass woman, and I’ll do what I want!

i'm a grown woman

We went to another bar not too far from the first one, and we each ordered another beer. While he was in the bathroom, I ordered each of us a tequila shot.

i see what you did there

He wasn’t thrilled to take it seeing as it was only a Wednesday, but he wasn’t dumb. He saw where I was taking this.

I think we may have had one more drink after that = we were bombed. When we were leaving, I blatantly asked, “Ok, Uber back to my place or yours?” Turns out his CEO who travels a lot was sleeping on his couch (why he didn’t just get a hotel is beyond me), so I told him we were going back to my place.

are you ready for this

We got there, I chucked all the clothes on my bed into the closet, and we didn’t waste much time. I was a bit concerned that my condoms would be expired because it had just been that long – but don’t worry, they’re good for at least another year.

It was pretty good…except I was also really drunk so I suppose it was as decently good as it can be when you’re wasted. Even though he seemed to be just as drunk, he managed to finish before too long, which was perfect because I didn’t want this to be an all night thing. Then we put some clothes on, and I offered to get him an Uber back to his place. He got one himself, and he was out the door. Never saw him again. Done and done.

done and done