Vibrators & One-Night Stands: Just Your Typical First Date Convo

I know there’s a handful of dates that I’ve promised I’d write about (and even though they’re old, they’re still worth posting), but first I want to share a crowd favorite that happened just under a year ago.

And it’s so good that I’m breaking it into two parts. (I’ll link Part Two at the bottom once it’s complete.)

Let me set the scene: It had been a while since I’d done the online dating thing, and so I decided to go all out on multiple apps. This guy matched with me on both Bumble and Hinge on the same day, and we quickly had a date scheduled. He was a bit older than what I normally went for, but I took that to be a positive. “OMG, he must be so mature!”

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First Impression: Into it. His beard was on point, his height matched his profile info, and he was dressed well. No Kinda Catfishing here. Considering that so few online dating guys manage to get this immediate review from me, I was already on board for a date #2 as long as things went at least just okay.

Problem #1: Judge Judy

I kid you not, one of his first questions was, “when was your last relationship?” While I appreciate him not having the Juan Pablo Syndrome, this is REALLY not a question you should be bringing up on the first date – or at least not within the first 15 minutes of meeting. I answered his question truthfully… DEF shouldn’t have done that. Saying it’s been like seven years since your last relationship doesn’t look so great. But whatever. I said it. His response?

Him: So clearly you must not be looking for a relationship or something serious.

Me: What makes you say that?

Him: Well you’re all over the dating apps and haven’t been in a relationship in such a long time, so obviously you aren’t actually wanting that.

I was annoyed by his reply and told him that I was looking for a relationship but don’t want to settle just for the sake of being in one. That’s when he addressed how I was on both Bumble and Hinge *gasp* and wanted to know my history with online dating. I said I’d done a lot of online dating in the past but that it’d been some time since I was really active on the apps.

Him: So you must have a lot of vibrators.

Me: imsrywhat

Him: You haven’t been in a relationship for seven years and haven’t been doing much dating lately. So you must not be getting laid and need vibrators.

Me: ohrly

Me: Well, yes, actually, I do have a lot of vibrators.

Him: ohrlyguy

Me: And online dates aren’t the only way to get laid.

Him: So you’re saying you have one night stands?!

Me: source-1

Him: guyomg

Me: What? Are you saying you don’t ever have a one night stand?

Him: Ohhhh no trust me I do.

Me: Okay so then why the double standard?

He was totally lost for words and didn’t really provide me with an answer, but he was visibly judging me.

After that convo, I was kicking myself a bit because the answers I gave weren’t exactly the best responses to ensure that . my retention rate on the first date remained exceptionally high (not-so-humble brag). But like, at least I didn’t tell him the actual specific number of vibrators and things that I own.

Problem #2: Over-Sharer

Now that he had addressed my relationships (or lack thereof), he decided to dive into his. More specifically, his most recent breakup. He moved to Australia with her, things were fine, until they weren’t. Cheating happened, he moved back. I don’t judge him for what happened, but c’mon, buddy. Do you really think this is first date material to be sharing?

It only got deeper from there, but I’ll admit, I was equally participating in this next over-sharing topic just as much as he was. He mentioned how his parents were recently divorced, and as he gave more details about it, his scenario was so similar to my parents’ divorce about a decade ago. We both recognized it as a heavy topic to have with someone we had just met (vibrators, on the other hand, are a totally chill first date topic), but believe it or not, it wasn’t the worst convo ever. It’s not every day that someone can really relate to the kind of divorce that my parents put me and my sister went through. Strangely, it kind of redeemed him a bit.

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ATTENTION: I’d hope it goes without saying, but do not use your parents’ divorce as a way to improve your chances with someone on a first date!! It only helped this guy because it was very relatable to me and because there was nowhere to go but up for him at that point in the date. Also, I’ll admit: I was much more willing to cut him slack because I was attracted to him. Hate me for saying that, but it’s the truth.

Ok, so that’s part one of this date. If you think this is already going in a bizarre direction, you have no idea.

Stay tuned.

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Random Reflections on 2018

Remember when I promised blog posts YEARS ago? And remember when I didn’t make even a draft for Random Reflections on 2017? Yeah… sorry…

Whatever. You’re getting one this year. Why? Because it’s New Years Day, I woke up with pizza in my hair, and I want to get sappy and sound wise, okay?

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1) You can’t force someone else to change if they don’t really want to.

So remember that two-year guy? Well, he ended up becoming more like almost-three-year guy. He’s not who I’m talking about with trying to change someone, though, because I knew pretty early on that he wasn’t going to be changing. Instead, I’m talking about me being with him.

Literally every single person in my life told me that he wasn’t good for me and that he didn’t treat me nearly as well as a guy I was investing so much time and energy in should be. I knew they were correct. I even made multiple attempts to end things… but during each one of those times I was deep down still wanting him in my life. I liked liking someone, I liked the convenience, I liked that he was a friend when I needed him to be, and I liked our sex life. So despite how awfully some of his actions affected me, I kept going back.

Same thing goes with other people in my life. There have been relationships that I look at and have been like what the fuck are you doing!? but ultimately it doesn’t matter what I’ve said… I won’t be making up anyone’s minds for them. It’s gotta be from them. Same applies for things other than staying in/leaving relationships. If the person doesn’t completely want to make a change, then they won’t.

How’s that for a super obvious reflection?

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2) Once you’re done… block the shit out of ’em.

Like I said, other people weren’t going to convince me to end things with this guy. It needed to be me, and he gave me all of the necessary ammo to finally just be done with it all. In short, history repeated itself for like the 38th time in October, and since then it’s been over. Like ACTUALLY over. Like blocked him on literally every form of anything you can think of kind of over. The mediums I blocked him on include but are not limited to:

  • Phone
  • Instagram
  • Facebook
  • SnapChat
  • Email
  • Spotify
  • ClassPass
  • Venmo

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How’s it been working out? FUCKING FABULOUSLY. Basically the only way for him to insert himself back into my life would be for him to seek me out in person… and we’ve already had to be in social settings together since then, and I’ve just gone about my night as if he was invisible. Out of sight, out mind.

Moral of the story: if you keep trying to end things with someone but they keep coming back into your life (or you into theirs), then cut off every possible avenue for that to happen again. And keep it that way.

3) #NoRegrets

I think what’s been making this clean break so easy for me to get past is that I really don’t have any regrets about what we had. There was a lot about our relationship that I’ll always cherish, and the shitty things that happened all had their silver linings in one way or another. It’s pretty ideal because unlike when things ended with my ex, there are no “what if’s” and I have nothing that I feel needs to be discussed with him anymore. The negative emotions that had been hurting me so much over the last year are finally in the past, and now I’m at the point where I just don’t feel any feelings towards him at all – positive or negative.

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Obviously this very basic hashtag extends itself to just about all other aspects of life, but I don’t think you need me explaining more examples. But YOLO, amirite?

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4) I am Good Luck Chuck.

No joke, I am Good Luck Chuck. I have a growing list of now-married men who met their wife while or immediately after being with me. I also say I’m the Good Luck Chuck of roommates. All but one of my roommates over the past 8 years moved out to live with their significant other. My pitch should literally be, “Looking for a fast-track serious relationship? Have a boyfriend who won’t commit to the next step? Live with me, and you’ll be in a committed relationship and moving in with the guy before you know it!”

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m happy to announce that this almost-three-year guy is the most impressive name on my list now. If ever there was an anti-commitment relationship-phobe, he was it. And you guessed it, he is pursuing a full-blown dating/relationship with the girl who was the catalyst to things finally being over with us.

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Well, that’s a wrap. Hopefully you’ll see some of these drafts published before I start reflecting on 2019.

A Whole New Meaning for Ride Sharing

Wow, I’m really spoiling you guys with this frequency. Two posts in two days? Holy shit, is it like 2014 again or something? Haha, might as well be.

Alright, so I just told you about the guy who talked a lot of game but just didn’t deliver. This next one one happened about a month after that in February 2016.  Unlike the last story, this one was an actual pre-planned date, but it didn’t get setup through an app like basically every other date since my first Tinder date. In fact, I had met him previously, but not at a bar or through mutual friends or anything like that. I met this guy… because he was my Uber driver.

So how exactly did this happen? Well it goes back to late 2015 and rather than taking the subway back to my place, I went the lazy route and decided to Uber. Now, before I get too into this, I want to address something: how annoying is it when your driver keeps trying to talk to you when all you want to do is sit in silence? I mean, seriously, how many people out there can agree with me on this?

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Cool, thanks team. So yeah, I was in exactly that kind of post-workday mood where the last thing I wanted to do was talk to another human being. But OH MAN when this guy’s photo showed up as my driver while I was waiting for him, you bet your bottom dollar that my mood perked up. Like, I can barely find any bearded men I’m attracted to during an hour-long Bumble swipe sesh but yet the magical Uber radar managed to connect me to this beautiful man on a ridesharing app. Hell, I’ll ride him all day even if it means I have to share him.

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Bahaha couldn’t help it.  But yeah, funny how that works. Anyways, he pulled up to get me in his black sedan, and I was pleasantly surprised that he was quite attractive in person from what I could see from the backseat.

We chatted the entire ride to my place, and I was SO CLOSE to asking him out before I got out of the car, but I totally chickened out (people still say that phrase, right?). I was kicking myself after the fact and decided I’d use my only remaining connection to him to give it a shot: his post-ride rating and comment. I wrote something along the lines of, “Hey Uber, if [his name] is single, then tell him to contact me so we can meet up for drinks [then provided my cell].”  I didn’t hear anything from him or Uber and so eventually I guess I just forgot about the whole scenario.

FLASH FORWARD OVER THREE MONTHS to February 2016. I’m at work and receive a text from an unknown number: “Hey do you remember me?”

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I replied with, “Should I?” and sure enough it was the hot Uber driver! Apparently he hadn’t logged into the Uber app for months and had finally done so and saw the comment I had left him. I was completely not expecting him to suddenly reappear, and on top of that, it was unbelievable to me that he was single since literally every attractive male I meet in person is in a relationship. So we made plans and here’s how the two dates (yes! more than one!) went down…

Date #1: The Grand Unveiling of… Me

Something I didn’t really think of going into this date was that the comment I had left him was anonymous and from over three months ago. Yup. This guy was essentially going on a blind date since there was no way for him to actually confirm who left him the message. Know what that also meant? He didn’t even know my name going into the first date. I could have been literally anyone he’s ever driven.

He did admit, though, that he had a feeling it was me because of the date I’d left the comment and that I was so memorable. *blush* OH, and get this: he had actually wanted to ask me out at the time when he drove me but it was against Uber rules since I was his customer. Well geez, thank goodness I commented! Like for all I know, the only reason I’m single is because all the good ones are held back from me via who knows what regulations exist out there!

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Shut up, Marsha. Awesome, so yeah that’s what I’ll keep telling myself.

The date itself went well and there weren’t any Dating Problems that I can recall now nor that I had originally written down in the draft post I made just after going out with him. He was still attractive, interesting, and was making all the right moves as we sat next to each other at the bar. Afterwards, he walked me to my apartment since he already knew where I lived, and before I knew it he was fingering me up against my apartment door (like in the hallway OUTSIDE my apartment… really unsure how I allowed that to happen so out in the open). Soooo yeah it clearly escalated quickly and I definitely could have just let him into my apartment, but considering the fiasco with the 10-inch fakeout guy and that I had just recently begun sleeping with that almost-two-year guy, I figured there was no rush to immediately bang this one.

Hahaha so in a true sign of practicing patience and self-restraint, I waited a full week and a half.

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Date #2: Most Convenient Post-Hookup Uber Experience Ever

I’ll be honest, I don’t remember a whole lot of specifics about the actual date. He picked me up in his black sedan and we went somewhere for drinks and apps.  The date itself wasn’t bad but it also wasn’t memorable at all. THAT SAID, our apartment hallway makeout sesh from Date #1 had been very memorable. Since I wasn’t sure a third date was something I was for sure going to want to invest time in, I was hundo percent down to pick that hookup back up now while we were still together.  He must have been thinking the same because at the first red light on the way back to my place, he leaned over to kiss me… which led to us making out… and getting super touchy at every stop… and yeah we were really getting after it so I told him to head to his place instead of mine. Don’t you love how Uber gives you the ability to switch destinations mid-ride like that?

We got to his place, he made us each a drink, and I think we maybe had like two sips before I was laid on top of his kitchen table and he was going down on me.

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Since he had a roommate who was probably going to be home soon, we gradually moved our way to his room, losing more and more of our clothes along the way.  Literally the second we made it onto his bed, the condom was on and boy did I have high expectations given how hot and heavy he had been with me so far. We started having sex and I was loving how he was taking full control and being amazingly aggressive and I was on the road to getting my world rocked.

But then.

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Yep. He came.

I’d be shocked if it was more than three minutes. It really was a shame because while he was going he was doing great. I won’t hate too much on him because I get this sort of thing can happen and even he seemed shocked/embarrassed that he came so quickly. In fact, I give him props because since it was clear as day I hadn’t orgasmed, he wasted little time to go down on me and finger me and put in a real effort to get me there. I feel bad because I did end up faking it… but that letdown had just messed with my mindset and I knew I was not going to get there at that point. He wasn’t bad; it just wasn’t going to happen, and I didn’t have it in me to tell him after he knew I also wasn’t thrilled with our short-lived sexcapade.

I immediately got changed to make it clear I wasn’t going to be staying the night. Fortunately it was a weeknight so it wasn’t a completely savage move to just up and go. I said I’d order myself an Uber (ha), and he STILL offered to drive me home. I wasn’t sure if refusing it or accepting it was the correct way to go… so I took it!

Never ended up seeing him again, but… that, my friends, is how you get a free Uber ride.