The Movie-Referencing, Touchy-Feely Subway Kissing Stalker

Sorry for taking forever to update you all on my dating binge.  There are still plenty more posts to come after this, so I hope to not keep you waiting too long between each one.  In case I do, though, you can stay somewhat up-to-date with me by following me on Twitter (@ThePickyDater).  But without further ado, here is the breakdown of one of the first guys.

Unfortunately for this husky guy, he was walking into a losing battle because I wasn’t crazy attracted to him from the get-go. That’s probably a confusing statement because, well, I’m the Picky Dater and so whyyyy would I even consider going out with someone who was already doomed to fail? Ummm I just didn’t actually know who he was when I agreed to a date. Basically what happened was my horoscope at the beginning of the month (October) said that now is the time to get my sexy on so obvi I translated that to mean “aimlessly respond to any guy that messages me on OKCupid.” Pretty soon I was messaging back and forth with way too many guys, and that eventually led to us exchanging numbers and texting. The thing about going offline to texting is that suddenly all they are is a number to me. I don’t save guys’ numbers in my phone until at least the second date, mainly because it would be pointless to do so before I’m horrible at names and “Joe Schmo the Guy I’ve Never Met” has no place taking up memory on my phone. So I had at least 7 random phone numbers that were texting me and I wasn’t sure who each person was.

who are you

The only way I was sure was if I matched the name they gave me in their first text with the names of the people I’d given my number to on OKC – and that was clearly just way too much work. In the end, what got this guy the date was how straightforward he was about asking me out, followed by the exact time and location for our date. I totally loved that this guy took charge like that, so I agreed. Once I realized which guy it was, I was a little bummed but I was willing to give him a shot.

Problem #1: Pompous
When I say he was pompous, I mean it in a very different way than I did about the infamous Pompous Douchebag. And “pompous” might not even be the best word to describe him, but whatever, that’s what I’m going with. Anyways, the conversation we were having was okay, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that he was a HUGE fan of referencing movies, memes, you name it. It does take a certain level of wittiness to pull this off, and so I will tip my hat to him for this, um, “skill.” But the frequency at which he would reference movies was getting increasingly more annoying, especially when he started to quiz me on what movie it was that he just referenced. Then what really irritated me was what he did when I wouldn’t know what movie the line was from: he would call the bartender over and ask him to identify the origin of his reference – and go figure, the bartender almost always got it correct. It literally started to become a game to him, and soon my date and the bartender were bonding like the total hipsters they were over how they have seen way too many movies and how they couldn’t believe I didn’t know some of the movie references. This is no joke; the bartender actually ended up stationing himself right in front of us throughout most of the night in order to participate in this horrible game show of a date.

dont try making fun of me

Problem #2: First Date Check
Put simply, boys, it is in your best interest (if you like the girl, that is) to pay on the first date. That said, I have gotten a lot more understanding and forgiving about this problem when my date goes out of his way to meet up somewhere close to me. If you are taking extra time and/or money to make the date more convenient for me, then congratulations, I won’t judge you as much if you let me split the check with you. But in cases like this when my date chose the location which was conveniently down the block from him but a $22 one-way Uber ride for me, then I am going to be less than thrilled when you immediately accept my fake offer to pay or split the bill.

never seeing you again

Problem #3: Bad Kisser
I’m categorizing this under “Bad Kisser” not because he had no skills – actually, he was a pretty decent kisser – but it was the way that he went about the kisses (yes, plural) that has earned him a spot with the doctors. Ok, so during the date, he was super touchy. Had I been into him, that would’ve been a-okay with me…but I wasn’t, so I was a bit squirmish. When we left the bar, he said he would walk me to the subway (I figured I’d save a few dolla dolla bills after my pricey Uber ride over). Along the way, he had his arm completely around me, and since I didn’t want to have any sort of limbs wrapped around him, I instead ended up fussing with my purse throughout the entire walk.

dont put your arm around me

We were across the street from the subway station.  I could see it.  I was so close to getting out of this awkward situation.  But then… the Walk sign turned off, traffic started moving again, and I was stuck in his embrace at the crosswalk.  Next thing I know, his arm isn’t around me anymore and now he’s standing right in front of me.  I knew what was coming, and so I tried to look very busy searching the depths of my purse for my train pass.  Obviously this didn’t stop him.  He moved closer to me and planted a kiss right on me.

dementors kiss

Fortunately the forced kiss didn’t last THAT long because I was making sure to pay close attention to the street signs and traffic which allowed me to bolt once it was okay to cross the street.  Although his kiss was unwanted, I figured it would at least count towards any “thank you and goodbye” rituals that could potentially take place before parting ways.  Well, it turns out this was only the beginning.  This guy – who, as a reminder, lived walking distance from where we were – decided to join me underground and take the subway as well. He followed me through the entrance, led me onto the escalator (yes, he had his arm around me again and basically physically forced me to take the escalator instead of the stairs), and held me in place and was super touchy-feely the whole way down (yes, he was so smothering that I couldn’t walk down the moving stairs to speed up this escape process).  The time it took to go from the entrance to the actual gates where you pay was probably no more than a minute, but it felt like way longer.  All I wanted was to get rid of this guy.

shining you cant get rid of me

We buzzed our passes, he walked through, and for the first time ever I was pumped that my pre-paid card had run out of money. Mwahahaha we were now not only separated by a very reliable barrier, but in that same moment I realized that he was taking an outbound train and I was taking an inbound train.  YES.  I hollered to him to just go ahead and leave towards his side of the tracks, but he said he would wait.  UGH.  Ideally I would have taken my sweet ass time, maybe gotten my PIN code incorrect a few times just to prolong the precious moments I had away from him… but my train was literally about to pull into the station, so I had to move fast if I wanted to avoid a potentially longer wait with him in the event that I missed this train.  So I refilled my pass, went through the gates as my train was rolling in, and because I was practically running at this point, I did this sort of side-shuffle & goodbye-wave thing as I galloped away from him.  NOPE.  None of this stopped him from running up to me, grabbing my arm, and planting a kiss on me.  (Note: if I were into him, I could’ve equated that to a romantic scene when the guy chases after the girl on the train for one last kiss… but since I wasn’t into him, I’m letting the double standard exist.)

I turn again to rush towards my train because at this point I could actually see it slowing down for people to board.  But he’s still there behind me, also rushing towards the train.

Him: “WAIT!”
Me: “For what??”
*He grabs my arm again*
Me (as I continue to speed walk even faster towards the train, despite the fact that he is trying to slow me down): “Don’t you have to take the outbound train?!”
Him: “I want another kiss.”

I wish I was kidding.  He was seriously so aggressive.  I kissed him, shook him free, and was now about to break into a run because the train was at a complete stop at this point.  But he persisted.

dont go

Him: “Hold on!”
Me (now clearly expressing the annoyance in my voice): “MY TRAIN IS HERE.”
Him: “I know, it’s right there.”
Me (confused/wtf are you getting at): “EXACTLY.”
Him: “So you are fine.  One more kiss.”
Me: “No I need to get on this train.”
*He runs up to me and kisses me again.*

I didn’t even look back or acknowledge him after that last kiss.  I sprinted away and managed to make it on the train before the doors shut.  After all that, I had expected to hear from him again, but I never did – and I was not going to complain!  However, on my train ride home, the guy I had gone on a first date with that previous Thursday (the Adrien Grenier look-alike that I referenced in my last post) had texted me and asked me out on a second date.  I’ll be honest, I left date #1 feeling very mehhh but because he didn’t really exhibit any major dating problems, I figured I might go out with him again if he asked and if I had nothing better to do.  BUT by the time I received his text on this particular Monday evening, I was finding myself actually excited to accept his proposal for drinks near me because I at least knew that it would be 110% more enjoyable to spend time with him again than another guy like the subway stalker. So there’s my silver lining, I guess.

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Doctors & Kissing (A Public Service Announcement)

Get excited…because I am back in the online dating game!  After taking a break from dating in general, recycling someone who turned out to be the exact same as he was two years ago, and finally getting closure from my last relationship, the Picky Dater is once again meeting up with complete randos with a myriad of imperfections.

First up: the 30-year-old doctor. We started talking via OKCupid and he got major points for claiming to speak French fluently, for being well traveled, and for being tall. The whole doctor thing was cool too, but I’ll be honest, I keep finding more and more that I’m probably not the most compatible with the MDs. His scruff based on his photos was questionable, but I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt because he was Canadian.

Our first date was at a creperie. He clearly didn’t do enough research on the place because it was supposed to close literally ten minutes after we got there. BUT Mr. Quebec saved the day, spoke French to the owner, and they kept the kitchen open for us. Our second date was at a swanky speakeasy-type bar, but we met first near his apartment. I was a little turned off by the fact that he had me come up to his place before we walked to the bar, but his profile said he had a dog so I was willing to be momentarily ignorant to the fact that he could easily be Buffalo Bill’s copycat (and no, I’m obviously not referring to the football team). Both dates were decent. The crepes were delicious, the bar served some really interesting concoctions, and he was overall a good and interesting guy. However, the sparks just were never there for me. Not sure if the following problems played a factor in that, but I’ll let you make that judgement.

Problem #1: Kinda Catfish

First off, let me just say that I was lured under false pretenses into the apartment of a guy whose profession is cutting open the bodies of human beings. HE DIDN’T HAVE A DOG. I asked him why he listed that in his profile and even mentioned it on our first date, and he responded, “I do have a dog; she lives with my parents in Quebec.” Ok, maybe I’ll just add to my profile that I have a boat…but it’s owned by my second cousin’s ex boyfriend.

Also, it wasn’t just the dog. While his photos were not a completely inaccurate depiction of what he looked like, they were definitely taken a few years ago because he looked a lot younger in those photos. I’m not saying that this guy looked like a grandpa, but he looked a LOT more aged than any other 30-year-old I know, so it would have been nice to have had my expectations set correctly before meeting him. But whatever, I honestly had a bigger problem with the lie about the dog.

you liar

Problem #2: Speak Up!

It was really difficult to hear this guy.  I come from an Italian family where everyone is screaming, so this has never been something I’ve been good at dealing with.  While I’m willing to take some responsibility for this because I know my hearing isn’t perfect, I still cannot find a justification for why I had such a problem hearing him in the creperie where zero music was playing. Also, he did this thing that at first reminded me of the pompous douchebag: almost every time that I spoke, he would zero in on me, lean in, and squint his eyes at me as if deep in thought.  I originally would have listed that look as its own type of problem, but then I was told that sometimes people squint their eyes when THEY can’t hear someone very well.  If you ask any of my friends, I’m sure they would agree that it probably wasn’t so much a problem with my volume as it was his ability to hear.  Don’t worry, I cut this guy some slack and this wasn’t really a huge deal for me… but being picky, obviously I took note of it.

staring squinting

Problem #3: Bad Kisser

After our second date ended, he kissed me.  And it was bad.  It was like kissing a snake: his lips were pursed really tight but then he suddenly surprised me by quickly trying to slip some tongue in there…but then it was back in his sealed shut mouth before I could properly figure out how to adapt to this odd style of a prolonged goodbye kiss.

snake tongue

It was worse than when the anesthesiologist kissed me.  Which brings me to this: why is it that the doctors I keep kissing just don’t know how to kiss?  I know this brings me to a grand total of only two doctors that I’ve kissed, but since they were both bad and I also have a friend who shared the same displeasure of locking lips with a kissing-challenged doctor, I’m considering this a trend that needs some serious attention.  It’s genuinely concerning to me that these types of people spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on school and countless hours in residency only to suddenly be three decades into your life without the knowledge of how to give a gal a proper kiss.  I do have to commend both doctors for even going in for the kiss, since I’m sure that’s half the battle.  So let’s raise awareness for this cause and help prevent these bright men from losing out on a next kiss, a next date, getting laid, or whatever it may be that they were hoping to get after what should be a magical moment.

prayer circle

 

All in all, though, it wasn’t the kiss that killed it.  There just wasn’t any any chemistry there – both before and after he snake-attacked me.  He asked me out again, but I had to be honest and told him something was missing.

#Thursdate with My Mom & Scruff Abuser

This week’s #Thursdate tale is about my mom and her very first online dating experience about two years ago, brought to you by Match.com.

So my mom got matched with this guy, they had some things in common, and she was interested enough to take him up on a date when he asked.  They met at a restaurant not too far from where she lived, and he was waiting for her when she arrived.  Assuming they would just go sit at the bar for a few drinks and possibly some appetizers, my mom was surprised when her date asked the waitress to be seated at an actual table.  Quite frankly, my mom was not too thrilled about this because a) this place was a pretty nice place where the actual entrees were rather heavy and b) every time she had gone there previously, sitting down at a table meant it was going to be an ordeal and stretch the date out longer than she ideally wanted it to be.  So my mom braced herself for a less-than-lighthearted dinner date.

preparing

The date itself was…meh.  My mom explained that this guy looked and acted a lot nerdier, timid, and dull than she had expected.  Fortunately, my mom is an outgoing gal that could talk to a wall and somehow manage to make outsiders look like it was a thrilling conversation.  (Plus, when she was married to my dad, he was a super quiet guy, and so she was used to filling the silence and leading just about every conversation.)  Unfortunately, this is not what she wanted when she agreed to the date – not to mention that she was more interested in him as he appeared and interacted online than in person.

nerdy

This final part of the date kills me.  Dinner ends, they go outside, and they are about to part ways.  They exchange quick small talk, my mom thanks him, and is ready to call it a night.  But her date asks if he could kiss her.  While I am sure there have been instances when asking for a kiss have worked out successfully, I feel like often times it just makes for an awkward experience.  Similar to the date, the kiss was…meh.  This guy had scruff – and if you keep up with my dating chronicles, then you know that I am a huge fan of scruff, which means I would normally applaud his ability to grow facial hair.  But my mom’s date COMPLETELY abused this physical gift he was given by what he said to my mom right after the kiss:

Scruff Abuser: “I am sorry about my scruff.”

My mom: “Oh, um, that’s fine.”

Scruff Abuser: “Well tonight, you can think about feeling it between your thighs.”

disgusted

WHAT!?  I don’t care who you are; it is just not okay to say something like this – especially on a first date.  My mom was even more taken aback by this comment because this guy was older, scrawny, nerdy and was so dull during dinner.  She basically stood there in shock until they parted ways.  Obviously, there was no second date.  As for me, it’s great to hear that the dating pool as you get older is clearly so much more mature than what I am exposed to right now.