Vibrators & One-Night Stands: Just Your Typical First Date Convo

I know there’s a handful of dates that I’ve promised I’d write about (and even though they’re old, they’re still worth posting), but first I want to share a crowd favorite that happened just under a year ago.

And it’s so good that I’m breaking it into two parts. (I’ll link Part Two at the bottom once it’s complete.)

Let me set the scene: It had been a while since I’d done the online dating thing, and so I decided to go all out on multiple apps. This guy matched with me on both Bumble and Hinge on the same day, and we quickly had a date scheduled. He was a bit older than what I normally went for, but I took that to be a positive. “OMG, he must be so mature!”

source

First Impression: Into it. His beard was on point, his height matched his profile info, and he was dressed well. No Kinda Catfishing here. Considering that so few online dating guys manage to get this immediate review from me, I was already on board for a date #2 as long as things went at least just okay.

Problem #1: Judge Judy

I kid you not, one of his first questions was, “when was your last relationship?” While I appreciate him not having the Juan Pablo Syndrome, this is REALLY not a question you should be bringing up on the first date – or at least not within the first 15 minutes of meeting. I answered his question truthfully… DEF shouldn’t have done that. Saying it’s been like seven years since your last relationship doesn’t look so great. But whatever. I said it. His response?

Him: So clearly you must not be looking for a relationship or something serious.

Me: What makes you say that?

Him: Well you’re all over the dating apps and haven’t been in a relationship in such a long time, so obviously you aren’t actually wanting that.

I was annoyed by his reply and told him that I was looking for a relationship but don’t want to settle just for the sake of being in one. That’s when he addressed how I was on both Bumble and Hinge *gasp* and wanted to know my history with online dating. I said I’d done a lot of online dating in the past but that it’d been some time since I was really active on the apps.

Him: So you must have a lot of vibrators.

Me: imsrywhat

Him: You haven’t been in a relationship for seven years and haven’t been doing much dating lately. So you must not be getting laid and need vibrators.

Me: ohrly

Me: Well, yes, actually, I do have a lot of vibrators.

Him: ohrlyguy

Me: And online dates aren’t the only way to get laid.

Him: So you’re saying you have one night stands?!

Me: source-1

Him: guyomg

Me: What? Are you saying you don’t ever have a one night stand?

Him: Ohhhh no trust me I do.

Me: Okay so then why the double standard?

He was totally lost for words and didn’t really provide me with an answer, but he was visibly judging me.

After that convo, I was kicking myself a bit because the answers I gave weren’t exactly the best responses to ensure that . my retention rate on the first date remained exceptionally high (not-so-humble brag). But like, at least I didn’t tell him the actual specific number of vibrators and things that I own.

Problem #2: Over-Sharer

Now that he had addressed my relationships (or lack thereof), he decided to dive into his. More specifically, his most recent breakup. He moved to Australia with her, things were fine, until they weren’t. Cheating happened, he moved back. I don’t judge him for what happened, but c’mon, buddy. Do you really think this is first date material to be sharing?

It only got deeper from there, but I’ll admit, I was equally participating in this next over-sharing topic just as much as he was. He mentioned how his parents were recently divorced, and as he gave more details about it, his scenario was so similar to my parents’ divorce about a decade ago. We both recognized it as a heavy topic to have with someone we had just met (vibrators, on the other hand, are a totally chill first date topic), but believe it or not, it wasn’t the worst convo ever. It’s not every day that someone can really relate to the kind of divorce that my parents put me and my sister went through. Strangely, it kind of redeemed him a bit.

giphy giphy

ATTENTION: I’d hope it goes without saying, but do not use your parents’ divorce as a way to improve your chances with someone on a first date!! It only helped this guy because it was very relatable to me and because there was nowhere to go but up for him at that point in the date. Also, I’ll admit: I was much more willing to cut him slack because I was attracted to him. Hate me for saying that, but it’s the truth.

Ok, so that’s part one of this date. If you think this is already going in a bizarre direction, you have no idea.

Stay tuned.

gets worse

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Bumble, Booze, & Breakups

Bumble is one of those dating apps that I had originally downloaded ages ago, but nobody decent was on it at the time.  By the time spring and summer 2015 rolled around, the dating pool of guys in my city on the app had drastically improved.  So, obviously, I attacked it with similar enthusiasm as I did when I first got into OKCupid.  I scheduled dates with two different guys on back-to-back days at the end of July.  These are their stories (queue dramatic SVU “dun-dun” sound).

First Guy, First Date

I met Bumble #1 at a bar after work, and it was one of those days when I was ready to have a drink or two or ten. He had a drink at work and then got to the bar before me, so he was onboard the same booze train as me. It may have been the excitement of the first date, it may have been instant chemistry, or it may have been the booze, but I was pretty pumped that we were hitting it off quickly. We had great conversation and had each other laughing – all the while, still sucking down drinks. We eventually moved to another bar, and to give you an indication of where we were on the drunk scale, I’ll tell you that we started kissing in the bar…which I don’t do sober. We almost went to another bar, but I made the call to go home instead (I did have another date the next day, after all). So we made out a bit then went our separate ways. Overall, it was a great date, and I was totally on board for a second one.

not bad

Second Guy, First Date

From the pictures in his profile, Bumble #2 was really hot. And thank goodness for that because I wasn’t feeling 100% after the drinking date the night before, and his looks were the only thing motivating me to not cancel. He was running late because he had an after work function, so I got to the bar and – surprise, surprise – began drinking.  A drink and a half later, he showed up.  He was definitely good looking, but our conversation took quiiiiite a while to really pick up.  It was just… awkward.

awkward

Fortunately, we continued to drink and the weirdness eventually drifted away.  By the end of the night, I was definitely into him.  He said he wanted to see me again, and then we said goodbye outside of the bar.

After both first dates, I was shocked that I actually had two good dates in a row AND that I wanted to see them both again.  While I found myself more physically attracted to Bumble #2, I was actually way more excited to see Bumble #1 again.  I had dates with both of them scheduled for the next week.

First Guy, Second Date

There is not too much to say about this date.  I definitely went into the night excited to see this Bumble #1 guy again.  We started off completely sober, got some food, and the amount of alcohol we consumed was only a fraction of what we had the week prior.  Fortunately, there was never any awkwardness.  Unfortunately, I began to realize that he had a SERIOUS case of Juan Pablo Syndrome.  However, since we had such a good time on our first date, I decided tried to convince myself that I was just being too critical.  Still, I left the date a bit disappointed because it was a lot of him talking at me with few attempts to ask me about my awesomely amazing life.

im cool

Second Guy, Second Date

After my second date with the first guy, I became even more excited for my second date with Bumble #2.  He had me a bit concerned as I was on my way to meet him because he texted saying he was there and that I’d find him smoking cigs with a group of guys on the bench outside the restaurant.  Cigarette smoking is a big no-no for me, so I literally texted my friends asking WTF I was getting myself into.  To my pleasant surprise, he was completely kidding, and I was apparently just horrible at picking up his sarcasm.  We got sushi and a few drinks, and there was no awkwardness like there was on the first date.  He was great to look at, funny, and managed to both tell me about himself while also asking about me.  Someone has finally mastered this difficult concept!

way to go

Towards the end of the date, he asked me what I was looking for and why I was still single.  Honestly, I really need to get my pitch down because it was not the first time I’ve been asked that nor was it the first time I’ve probably sounded all over the place with my answer.  But anyways,  I said something to the effect of how I am looking for something serious but not willing to just settle down for just anyone, and I am still single because I haven’t found anyone I’ve wanted to get serious with.  I asked him the same question, and he explained how he wasn’t looking for something too serious because he just got out of a bad breakup a few months ago.  He then reiterated that it was a bad breakup. A bad breakup.  He said it so many times that I almost asked him what happened (ugh, I should’ve just asked!).

Anyways, the date ended, and we hugged goodbye.  But before I left, he said he had added me on SnapChat and that he wanted me to add him back.  In my silly girl mind, I was thinking that probably meant he wanted to see me again.  Well, after two or three texts (all initiated by me) throughout the next week and a half, I eventually got the hint that he didn’t want a third date.  I was bummed because I was still into him which is rare coming out of a second date.  But, hey, at least I got a new SnapChat friend…?

yay

First Guy, Third Date

I wasn’t super ecstatic about going on a third date with Bumble #1, but I felt that the first date was too good to let the second mehhh date dictate how I felt about him. We met for sushi (yeah, I apparently was on a roll with the sushi dates), and the first red flag of the night was that he didn’t want to share his sushi.  I’m sorry, but who doesn’t share sushi on a date ever?  The second red flag was when he ordered us a scorpion bowl.  On a Tuesday.

tuesday

Ok, I get that boozing was a big part of our previous dates, but I actually specifically told him I didn’t want to order a scorpion bowl (that amount of sugar in one massive bowl never results in a good feeling the next day).  Nevertheless, he ordered it AND insisted that we finish it before leaving.  I told him no chance and even said that I wasn’t going to be able to stay past 9 – regardless of whether or not the scorpion bowl was finished.  Somehow we finished it, but I was not happy or proud about it at all.

immediately regret

That wasn’t the worst of it, though.  I went into the date making a conscious effort to notice how many times he asked me a question.   With the exception of “what kind of sushi is that?” and “why do you need to leave at 9?”, he asked me ZERO questions about myself. None. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Nothing.  I promise I am not exaggerating at all.  Juan Pablo, you may have met your match.  As for me, I was done with Bumble #1.

buh bye.gif