Sex at Dawn without a Kiss

After the attractive pompous douchebag and I had our first date and then he finally learned my name, I agreed to a second date involving pizza, comedy, and hopefully a good long-awaited makeout sesh (it had been about 4 months since I was burned by the Hinge guy I liked and had had any real lip action).

We met in his neighborhood again, but this time it was at least accessible by public transportation.  Because he had a dumb phone, he hadn’t properly mapped out where we were going to get pizza, but we eventually made it to a small sit-down pizza parlor.

Perhaps it was the pizza and beer that was clouding my judgment (which is completely possible) during this first part of the date, but I was genuinely enjoying myself.  He wasn’t annoying, we had some good witty banter, and he did actually pay for the food and drinks.  Not to mention he was still tall and good looking, and so I was now totally on board for the rest of the date.

We left the pizza place and headed to the comedy show.  We had about 45 minutes until we could purchase tickets for the later show, so we went to the bar next door to pass the time.  I was optimistic and not dreading having to spend more time talking to him.  He continued to be enjoyable… for all of 10 minutes.

Problem #6: Debate Team Champion

The date took a turn for the worse after we snagged a corner booth and sat down.  Let me tell you, if the guy who argued about Atheism and this guy were to go against each other in a debate, this pompous guy would win hands down.  So what changed?  Well, a few short minutes into our beers, he asks me, “So have you read the book Sex at Dawn?”  “Nope, can’t say I have heard of it.” He was genuinely shocked because “alllllllll of the girls are reading it these days.”  Apparently he has girl friends who can put up with him because he continued to say how so many of them have been suggesting he read it since it is right up his alley.  I already wasn’t looking forward to the explanation he was inevitably going to provide because at this point he had the same matter-of-fact voice that my lawyer father gets when he tries to make a point (when this happens, it’s a losing battle; no matter what, everything out of his mouth is fact).

Sure enough, he proceeds to give me a detailed lecture about this book which explains why humans are not meant to be monogamous – because naturally that is the kind of conversation you want to have with someone who is on a date with you.  I’m not exaggerating when I say he went on and on about this book for at least 15 straight minutes.  There was one break about halfway through this nonstop rant:

Him: “Haven’t you ever wondered why men just want to sleep after having sex whereas women are ready to go for more?”
Me: “No, because that usually means he came and she didn’t.”
Him: “No, but when they both do, don’t you notice how women still want more?”
Me: “Ehhh… no, that probably just means she faked it and still needs to come the first time.”

He kept insisting that what he was saying was fact, so I just went along with it because I could tell it was going nowhere.  From there, he continued to preach the word of this book and why our bodies are built to not be with only one person.  When he was finished, he turned to me and said, “tell me your thoughts” – but by the way he said it, he really meant “tell me what you disagree with so I can prove you wrong.”  I calmly sat back in the booth, sipped my beer, and said, “Sounds good. Makes sense.”  HAHAHA I literally saw his blood begin to boil.  He tried again, “But what do you have to say about it all?”  I responded, “It sounds interesting and there are a lot of good points.”  He became visibly annoyed that I was giving him no pushback, and so I asked him, “Ok, well what kind of argument would you like me to provide? Obviously you want me to say something, so just tell me what and I’ll say it for you.”  This is when he reminded me that he hadn’t actually read the book yet.  (Dear God don’t let me near him once he has finished it and has even more to say about it.)

no you're wrong

Problem #7: Judge Judy

When he wasn’t trying to prove his philosophies of life to me, he was busy making comments on everyone around us.  To be clear, this was very different from people watching.  I LOVE people watching, and this was not it.  A sampling of the kinds of things he would say: “Ugh. Those guys over there are just here to pick up girls. I hate guys like that.”  I looked over and it’s just a group of friends watching sports with no girls anywhere near them.  Another: “That girl is so pathetic. She looks drunk and that guy will never go for her.”  Yes, she looked pretty intoxicated, but what need for such harsh judgments on a girl’s attractiveness in front of me?

judging so hard

Problem #8: Bad Body Language

As I mentioned, we were sitting in a corner booth.  I was on one side of the booth with my legs underneath the table just like any other normal human being. He was in the corner nook with his back to the same side of the booth as mine with his legs up outstretched on the booth side where I was not sitting.  As if this wasn’t rude enough, he also was not making any eye contact with me because he wasn’t facing me.  The TV was in front of us, and so he was literally lounged up on this booth, not looking at me, staring at the TV.  I figured, okay, since we missed the comedy show (yep, that show never happened for us), I might as well get what I came here for – whether it be in the bar or outside.  (Side note: I’m not one for making out in bars, but I was open to that option if it would get me what I came for while also shutting him up; I was all for killing two birds with one stone in this situation.)  With him sitting right next to me, I thought it wouldn’t be too hard to get some physical contact.  Well, long story short, he was unreceptive to anything I did, and he made zero attempts to make any move on me whatsoever.  To be honest, I figured he just wasn’t interested.  Or perhaps he picked up on my annoyance and thought I wasn’t interested.

cher trying for attention

Now that it looked like I wasn’t going to be making out with him, it was time to go.  We ask for the check and are informed that they only accept cash.  I was the only one with cash on me, so I ended up paying for all of our beers. Again.  What’s worse?  He never said thank you. Again.  But he did manage to criticize the watch I was wearing.

We left the bar, and we had about 5 minutes before my Uber arrived.  During that time he made no attempts at even a goodnight kiss, and so I left assuming I would never hear from this kid again – and I was a-okay with that.

I did actually end up hearing from him again.  Multiple times.

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So Much for My New Year’s Resolution

After the holidays passed, I decided to give Hinge another shot to kick off the 2014 year.  One of my resolutions was to try to be more open-minded and to give guys a chance who may not be my ideal “type” as far as physical attraction.  I set a date with a guy who did not quite meet all of my criteria in the looks department, buuuut he did improv so I figured he must at least be funny.  We decided on going to the bar down the block from me, which had not seen me on a first date since the guy I asked out at the bar.  When I met him, he was tall and had more scruff than expected, so things were off to a good start….at least, for the first 20 minutes.

Problem #1: TMI

He wasn’t as funny as I had hoped, but I didn’t care so much that he wasn’t leaving me in stitches the whole time. I did care, though, that he was divulging his entire financial situation to me. From loans to medical bills, it was sufficiently awkward for me to respond and react to the level of detail he was providing. Even if I hadn’t felt all that uncomfortable about what he was telling me, it just wasn’t an appropriate initial conversation to have on a first date with a total stranger.

help me im poor

Problem #2: Debate Team Champion

It just so happened to be trivia night, and even though we weren’t playing, we did try to answer some of the questions here and there. Due to the fact that I suck at trivia (unless it is Family Feud-style, duh), there were few questions that I knew the answers to.  However, apparently I retained something from my 12 years of Catholic school education because I immediately answered “Veronica” when they asked “who wiped the face of Jesus on the way to Calvary?”  Well…that sparked the beginning of his rant on Atheism vs. Catholicism, why he is Atheist, and why the rest of the world should be Atheist too.  He argued about science, about coincidence, about the evils of organized religion, the whole shabang.  Hey, I’m not even all that religious anymore, but once he finished talking, I was pretty much ready for the check.  For shits and giggles I did also ask him if he believed in karma or ghosts.  Again, he went into a passionate explanation about how we are here on this earth alone and there are no outside forces and when we die, we die.  No amount of alcohol was really able to improve the mood after that one-sided conversation.  If this is what he brings up on first dates, then I have no idea what controversial topics he must bring up to the public audiences who go see him perform improv.

cool it

The goodbye was also pretty awkward, but I won’t consider it as Problem #3 because I am sure I added to the awkwardness just as much as he did.  We hugged goodbye, I said thank you, then started walking the other direction.  He offered to walk me to my apartment, but I said it was just down the block and that it was totally fine.  I thanked him again and started to walk away when he said “ummm… ok…. I guess ‘bye’ then” – as if I was blowing him off. Sorry buddy, call me rude, but I wasn’t about to let him walk me to my door and see which exact apartment unit I lived in.  Thanks but no thanks.  And that is the last I saw of improv guy… and the last time I went out with someone I wasn’t at least somewhat-to-very attracted to.