Bumble, Booze, & Breakups

Bumble is one of those dating apps that I had originally downloaded ages ago, but nobody decent was on it at the time.  By the time spring and summer 2015 rolled around, the dating pool of guys in my city on the app had drastically improved.  So, obviously, I attacked it with similar enthusiasm as I did when I first got into OKCupid.  I scheduled dates with two different guys on back-to-back days at the end of July.  These are their stories (queue dramatic SVU “dun-dun” sound).

First Guy, First Date

I met Bumble #1 at a bar after work, and it was one of those days when I was ready to have a drink or two or ten. He had a drink at work and then got to the bar before me, so he was onboard the same booze train as me. It may have been the excitement of the first date, it may have been instant chemistry, or it may have been the booze, but I was pretty pumped that we were hitting it off quickly. We had great conversation and had each other laughing – all the while, still sucking down drinks. We eventually moved to another bar, and to give you an indication of where we were on the drunk scale, I’ll tell you that we started kissing in the bar…which I don’t do sober. We almost went to another bar, but I made the call to go home instead (I did have another date the next day, after all). So we made out a bit then went our separate ways. Overall, it was a great date, and I was totally on board for a second one.

not bad

Second Guy, First Date

From the pictures in his profile, Bumble #2 was really hot. And thank goodness for that because I wasn’t feeling 100% after the drinking date the night before, and his looks were the only thing motivating me to not cancel. He was running late because he had an after work function, so I got to the bar and – surprise, surprise – began drinking.  A drink and a half later, he showed up.  He was definitely good looking, but our conversation took quiiiiite a while to really pick up.  It was just… awkward.


Fortunately, we continued to drink and the weirdness eventually drifted away.  By the end of the night, I was definitely into him.  He said he wanted to see me again, and then we said goodbye outside of the bar.

After both first dates, I was shocked that I actually had two good dates in a row AND that I wanted to see them both again.  While I found myself more physically attracted to Bumble #2, I was actually way more excited to see Bumble #1 again.  I had dates with both of them scheduled for the next week.

First Guy, Second Date

There is not too much to say about this date.  I definitely went into the night excited to see this Bumble #1 guy again.  We started off completely sober, got some food, and the amount of alcohol we consumed was only a fraction of what we had the week prior.  Fortunately, there was never any awkwardness.  Unfortunately, I began to realize that he had a SERIOUS case of Juan Pablo Syndrome.  However, since we had such a good time on our first date, I decided tried to convince myself that I was just being too critical.  Still, I left the date a bit disappointed because it was a lot of him talking at me with few attempts to ask me about my awesomely amazing life.

im cool

Second Guy, Second Date

After my second date with the first guy, I became even more excited for my second date with Bumble #2.  He had me a bit concerned as I was on my way to meet him because he texted saying he was there and that I’d find him smoking cigs with a group of guys on the bench outside the restaurant.  Cigarette smoking is a big no-no for me, so I literally texted my friends asking WTF I was getting myself into.  To my pleasant surprise, he was completely kidding, and I was apparently just horrible at picking up his sarcasm.  We got sushi and a few drinks, and there was no awkwardness like there was on the first date.  He was great to look at, funny, and managed to both tell me about himself while also asking about me.  Someone has finally mastered this difficult concept!

way to go

Towards the end of the date, he asked me what I was looking for and why I was still single.  Honestly, I really need to get my pitch down because it was not the first time I’ve been asked that nor was it the first time I’ve probably sounded all over the place with my answer.  But anyways,  I said something to the effect of how I am looking for something serious but not willing to just settle down for just anyone, and I am still single because I haven’t found anyone I’ve wanted to get serious with.  I asked him the same question, and he explained how he wasn’t looking for something too serious because he just got out of a bad breakup a few months ago.  He then reiterated that it was a bad breakup. A bad breakup.  He said it so many times that I almost asked him what happened (ugh, I should’ve just asked!).

Anyways, the date ended, and we hugged goodbye.  But before I left, he said he had added me on SnapChat and that he wanted me to add him back.  In my silly girl mind, I was thinking that probably meant he wanted to see me again.  Well, after two or three texts (all initiated by me) throughout the next week and a half, I eventually got the hint that he didn’t want a third date.  I was bummed because I was still into him which is rare coming out of a second date.  But, hey, at least I got a new SnapChat friend…?


First Guy, Third Date

I wasn’t super ecstatic about going on a third date with Bumble #1, but I felt that the first date was too good to let the second mehhh date dictate how I felt about him. We met for sushi (yeah, I apparently was on a roll with the sushi dates), and the first red flag of the night was that he didn’t want to share his sushi.  I’m sorry, but who doesn’t share sushi on a date ever?  The second red flag was when he ordered us a scorpion bowl.  On a Tuesday.


Ok, I get that boozing was a big part of our previous dates, but I actually specifically told him I didn’t want to order a scorpion bowl (that amount of sugar in one massive bowl never results in a good feeling the next day).  Nevertheless, he ordered it AND insisted that we finish it before leaving.  I told him no chance and even said that I wasn’t going to be able to stay past 9 – regardless of whether or not the scorpion bowl was finished.  Somehow we finished it, but I was not happy or proud about it at all.

immediately regret

That wasn’t the worst of it, though.  I went into the date making a conscious effort to notice how many times he asked me a question.   With the exception of “what kind of sushi is that?” and “why do you need to leave at 9?”, he asked me ZERO questions about myself. None. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Nothing.  I promise I am not exaggerating at all.  Juan Pablo, you may have met your match.  As for me, I was done with Bumble #1.

buh bye.gif



50 Shades of Chris

After my happn dating spree, I went back on Hinge and matched with a guy named Chris in early April. To date, I haven’t named any of the guys I’ve gone out with, but there’s a reason I’m naming him, which I’ll get to… after I address the problem (yes, there was only one).

Problem #1: Girl-ish Tendencies

The first thing I noticed was that, hey, he was pretty good looking! But that quickly disappeared once he opened his mouth and had a very high-pitched, girl-like voice. We got seated at a table for two, so we sat across from each other. And yes, he really was good looking and lived up to his profile! However, that voice was just way too distracting.

As we were talking, I noticed another thing that was actually even more distracting than his voice.  While he was just sitting there, he kept shimmying.

shimmy shimmy

Yes, shimmying.


Serious shoulder side-to-side action.  I’d like to see anyone sit across from this and not be distracted.


Ok, yes, I totally get that it could be a nervous habit. But that plus the voice added up to make his good looks disappear for me.

what happened to you

Alright, back to the Chris thing. It was after this date that I went back and noticed how a huge majority of the guys I connect with online are named Chris. And what’s even more interesting is that so many of them don’t fit into my narrow mold of what I consider attractive. Seriously, I think I might just be attracted to the name Chris.

Here are some descriptions of a few Chris profiles that I’m matched up with (and readers, I am just as picky with my swipes as I am in real life, so these guys weren’t an oversight; I just happen to find these Chris guys to be attractive):

  • Selfie-taking motorcycle driver & skateboard rider
  • 5’7″ with no scruff
  • Bald and has surpassed the “dad bod” in weight

You’re probably thinking either, “WTF that’s not like you and something must be wrong” or, “Wow, Picky Dater, maybe you are destined to be with a Chris since they magically make you not-so-picky!”

it's a miracle

Well, my track record with Chrises is not so fabulous…

  • The red head I was obsessed with in college. In addition to being SO far from being my type, he was also an asshole (or he just wasn’t into me as much as I was him, and I prefer to call him an asshole to make myself feel better)
  • The guy from Hinge that I really liked. What a gem… but he also didn’t like me as much as I liked him and chose another girl over me.
  • The original Pompous Asshole. While he continued to text me after even our second date, I was not going to endure another minute with him.

All in all, I have started to wonder if maybe I should steer clear of the Chris men of the world.  But if I do cross paths with another one, I bet he will be his own version of unique. Aaaand you can bet that I will share it with you.

totally going in my blog

The Aussie Who Was Headed Back Down Under

The last happn date I went on was with a nice Australian boy, and it happened within a week of the office hookup guy and the pompous one night stand guy. Funny enough, he actually closed the loop on happn dates because similar to the first one, this guy wasn’t going to be sticking around town much longer either. Fortunately, it wasn’t as finalized as the to-be Texan’s plans were, but since his job (based in Australia) was only having him in this city for another few months, he was pretty sure he wasn’t going to apply to stay for an extended period of time.

Because I still had PTSD from the last Aussie I went out with a few times, there was no chance I would be taking this date to the bedroom.  At least not right away.

not again

So once again, I found myself on a pretty pointless date that was going nowhere.

Fortunately, he was a cool guy. There weren’t any problems worth noting, and we had good conversation.  While a relationship future wasn’t there, I could have potentially seen a hookup with him since he was good looking; for that reason, I was open to the possibility of seeing him again.  I probably accrued some bad karma points, though, because we texted he texted me here and there to hang out again, and I wouldn’t say no but I also wouldn’t commit to anything.  I kept saying some hypothetical day in the future… which never ended up happening.

Eventually he just stopped asking, and I did feel a bit bad about just leaving him hanging like that.  But he’s probably back in Australia right now, so hopefully my bad karma can disappear in a similar manner.

karma is a bitch