The Aussie Who Was Headed Back Down Under

The last happn date I went on was with a nice Australian boy, and it happened within a week of the office hookup guy and the pompous one night stand guy. Funny enough, he actually closed the loop on happn dates because similar to the first one, this guy wasn’t going to be sticking around town much longer either. Fortunately, it wasn’t as finalized as the to-be Texan’s plans were, but since his job (based in Australia) was only having him in this city for another few months, he was pretty sure he wasn’t going to apply to stay for an extended period of time.

Because I still had PTSD from the last Aussie I went out with a few times, there was no chance I would be taking this date to the bedroom.  At least not right away.

not again

So once again, I found myself on a pretty pointless date that was going nowhere.

Fortunately, he was a cool guy. There weren’t any problems worth noting, and we had good conversation.  While a relationship future wasn’t there, I could have potentially seen a hookup with him since he was good looking; for that reason, I was open to the possibility of seeing him again.  I probably accrued some bad karma points, though, because we texted he texted me here and there to hang out again, and I wouldn’t say no but I also wouldn’t commit to anything.  I kept saying some hypothetical day in the future… which never ended up happening.

Eventually he just stopped asking, and I did feel a bit bad about just leaving him hanging like that.  But he’s probably back in Australia right now, so hopefully my bad karma can disappear in a similar manner.

karma is a bitch

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Because I’m a Grown-Ass Woman, That’s Why

(continued from part 1, here)

By the time we left the first bar, we were at least four drinks in and he was three dating problems deep. We were at the crossroads that any date comes to and begs the question: to continue on to another bar or part ways?

that is the question

I had two things to consider. 1) Did I see a future with him in terms of a relationship? Absolutely not. His personality was not attractive to me, and we just didn’t jive very well. Ok then, 2) did I see a future with him in my bed? Well, he wasn’t as attractive as I had hoped from head to toe, but from head to…neck, his scruffy look was getting better and better with every beer. So yes, I was beginning to see a possibility of him in my bed.

there's a possibility

I became more sure of my answer to the latter question after I learned how he is affected by tequila. Truthfully, I don’t remember how we got on the subject, but he ended up telling me that he gets very handsy and horny when he has tequila. So I figured if that’s all it was going to take, then why not? I’m a grown-ass woman, and I’ll do what I want!

i'm a grown woman

We went to another bar not too far from the first one, and we each ordered another beer. While he was in the bathroom, I ordered each of us a tequila shot.

i see what you did there

He wasn’t thrilled to take it seeing as it was only a Wednesday, but he wasn’t dumb. He saw where I was taking this.

I think we may have had one more drink after that = we were bombed. When we were leaving, I blatantly asked, “Ok, Uber back to my place or yours?” Turns out his CEO who travels a lot was sleeping on his couch (why he didn’t just get a hotel is beyond me), so I told him we were going back to my place.

are you ready for this

We got there, I chucked all the clothes on my bed into the closet, and we didn’t waste much time. I was a bit concerned that my condoms would be expired because it had just been that long – but don’t worry, they’re good for at least another year.

It was pretty good…except I was also really drunk so I suppose it was as decently good as it can be when you’re wasted. Even though he seemed to be just as drunk, he managed to finish before too long, which was perfect because I didn’t want this to be an all night thing. Then we put some clothes on, and I offered to get him an Uber back to his place. He got one himself, and he was out the door. Never saw him again. Done and done.

done and done

This Year’s Version of the Attractive Pompous Douchebag

Remember 2014’s infamous Pompous Douchebag? Remember how much he sucked, but yet, because I wanted to make out with him, he managed to get me to go on a second date? Well, this guy (who was my third happn date in March) is almost entirely the same tale… except no second date was necessary because I got what I wanted on the first round.

Let’s start from the beginning: a few days after the office stint with happn #2, I met up with this guy. I was really excited because his pictures depicted a man one year older than me who perfectly fit the mold of my ideal look. However, I was a little thrown off by the fact that he mentioned that his birthday was on the day of our date. Not a few days before or after his birthday… his actual birthday. I know I’m awesome, but I thought it was a little strange that he wanted to spend his birthday with a total stranger from the internet. Whatever, I used it as an excuse to pick up two cupcakes from this bakery I’d been wanting to stop into (don’t be fooled – the cupcakes were more for me than for him).

Right out of the gates, it was clear that his pictures were misleading. He was short. Like no more than half-an-inch-taller-than-me short. He was also very little in terms of his build, and I later came to learn it is because he never works out. Ever. Oh and get this: he lives LESS THAN ONE MILE from work… and he takes an Uber to work every single day. Not only is that lazy but, um, can you say surge prices up the wazoo at that hour?! Ridiculous. But to take a step back, as far as his looks go, I can’t really slap the “Kinda Catfish” dating problem stamp on him because his scruffy face looked like his pictures (which I was very pleased about) and happn doesn’t make you list your height or any other details like that. So all in all, I was disappointed BUT not completely uninterested.

allow it

I’m going to go through this date in two parts.  So let’s begin with the problems…

Problem #1: Juan Pablo Syndrome

Unlike last year’s Pompous Douchebag who was too cool to give me ANY details about himself, this guy took the completely opposite route. He had one of the worst cases of the Juan Pablo Syndrome ever. I kid you not, I learned everything about his childhood, how he dropped out of high school, all of his attempted entrepreneurial ventures, exactly everything he has done and is doing for work, how everything in his life is the best ever, and everything in between. I literally even knew the life story of both of his sisters, including what they were like growing up, what schools they went to, where they live, what they do, and even a decently detailed summary of their husbands’ lives. While the details have been discarded from my memory by now, I kid you not: I was able to reiterate in great detail the stories of his and his siblings’ lives to my friends the next day.

What did he learn about me from questions he asked (as opposed to me just telling him)? I can list it off for you: the name of the company I worked at, the fact that I have two siblings, and where I graduated college. That’s it. And that’s exactly what he knew; it’s not like he asked what I do at work, whether my siblings were brothers or sisters, or what I studied in college.

so much you dont know

Now, when someone has this dating problem, I typically just take note of it and wait until this blog to address it. But this guy was so terribly exactly like JP that I decided to call him out on it.

*He finally ran out of things to talk about and now there was an awkward silence.*

Him: So….

Me: So…. (letting the silence build to see if he would come up with a question)

Him: What do you have to say? (ahem, anyone else notice how similar this is to the Sex at Dawn convo with Pompous Douchebag?!)

Me: Well, do you have any questions for me? I feel like I know your entire life story but yet you know nothing about me.

Him: (very defensive) What is that supposed to mean? It’s not like this is an interview!

Me: I know. But I’m curious what questions you might have for me. You haven’t shown much interest in learning more about me or my life.

Him: (still very defensive-sounding) Ok, then tell me about yourself.

tell me about yourself

I thought that was an ironic question to ask since it’s such an interview-y question. Not to mention, it’s a total cop out. Whatever, I don’t remember exactly what I told him but I talked long enough to make it less awkward than it was when I called him out.

Problem #2: Pompous

If this guy and the original Pompous Douchebag were to go head-to-head to determine who was the most pompous, the original would probably win… but it would be close. Throughout his entire schpeel about his life, this guy somehow managed to make it sound as though everything he did in life was right while everything else is wrong.

im right youre wrong

Example 1: He dropped out of high school because he knew he a lot of the curriculum was unnecessary and that he could teach himself what was necessary better than the teachers could teach him. And people who follow the system are followers with no opinions or ideas of their own.

Hahaha, I specifically remember him saying that last line because I laughed out loud. Ok, so I will say that I admire the fact that he has come to have a successful position at a growing company all due to his own motivation and without a high school degree. That said, he could have told me this in a biiiiiiit more of a humble way.

Example 2: He worked at the best company ever. No, this was not the opinion of a very happy employee. This was an indisputable fact.

And he so generously offered to try to get me a job there because, you know, I’d obviously love it way more than my current job.

cool sarcastic thank you

Problem #3: Judge Judy

This kind of goes hand-in-hand with the pompous problem, but he judged the shit out of so many things that weren’t in line with his life. And the funny thing is that he had no basis for half of the things he judged.

For instance, he grew up in our current city, while I told him that I grew up in another U.S. city. He wasted no time to tell me that this city is so much better than my hometown and how he was so happy that’s not where he grew up. I was a bit shocked to hear this because it was so rude people tend to actually really like my hometown city, and so I asked if he had ever been there before. NOPE.

keep that mouth shut

Stay tuned for the second part of the date with tequila and sexy time…