Vibrators & One-Night Stands: Just Your Typical First Date Convo

I know there’s a handful of dates that I’ve promised I’d write about (and even though they’re old, they’re still worth posting), but first I want to share a crowd favorite that happened just under a year ago.

And it’s so good that I’m breaking it into two parts. (I’ll link Part Two at the bottom once it’s complete.)

Let me set the scene: It had been a while since I’d done the online dating thing, and so I decided to go all out on multiple apps. This guy matched with me on both Bumble and Hinge on the same day, and we quickly had a date scheduled. He was a bit older than what I normally went for, but I took that to be a positive. “OMG, he must be so mature!”

source

First Impression: Into it. His beard was on point, his height matched his profile info, and he was dressed well. No Kinda Catfishing here. Considering that so few online dating guys manage to get this immediate review from me, I was already on board for a date #2 as long as things went at least just okay.

Problem #1: Judge Judy

I kid you not, one of his first questions was, “when was your last relationship?” While I appreciate him not having the Juan Pablo Syndrome, this is REALLY not a question you should be bringing up on the first date – or at least not within the first 15 minutes of meeting. I answered his question truthfully… DEF shouldn’t have done that. Saying it’s been like seven years since your last relationship doesn’t look so great. But whatever. I said it. His response?

Him: So clearly you must not be looking for a relationship or something serious.

Me: What makes you say that?

Him: Well you’re all over the dating apps and haven’t been in a relationship in such a long time, so obviously you aren’t actually wanting that.

I was annoyed by his reply and told him that I was looking for a relationship but don’t want to settle just for the sake of being in one. That’s when he addressed how I was on both Bumble and Hinge *gasp* and wanted to know my history with online dating. I said I’d done a lot of online dating in the past but that it’d been some time since I was really active on the apps.

Him: So you must have a lot of vibrators.

Me: imsrywhat

Him: You haven’t been in a relationship for seven years and haven’t been doing much dating lately. So you must not be getting laid and need vibrators.

Me: ohrly

Me: Well, yes, actually, I do have a lot of vibrators.

Him: ohrlyguy

Me: And online dates aren’t the only way to get laid.

Him: So you’re saying you have one night stands?!

Me: source-1

Him: guyomg

Me: What? Are you saying you don’t ever have a one night stand?

Him: Ohhhh no trust me I do.

Me: Okay so then why the double standard?

He was totally lost for words and didn’t really provide me with an answer, but he was visibly judging me.

After that convo, I was kicking myself a bit because the answers I gave weren’t exactly the best responses to ensure that . my retention rate on the first date remained exceptionally high (not-so-humble brag). But like, at least I didn’t tell him the actual specific number of vibrators and things that I own.

Problem #2: Over-Sharer

Now that he had addressed my relationships (or lack thereof), he decided to dive into his. More specifically, his most recent breakup. He moved to Australia with her, things were fine, until they weren’t. Cheating happened, he moved back. I don’t judge him for what happened, but c’mon, buddy. Do you really think this is first date material to be sharing?

It only got deeper from there, but I’ll admit, I was equally participating in this next over-sharing topic just as much as he was. He mentioned how his parents were recently divorced, and as he gave more details about it, his scenario was so similar to my parents’ divorce about a decade ago. We both recognized it as a heavy topic to have with someone we had just met (vibrators, on the other hand, are a totally chill first date topic), but believe it or not, it wasn’t the worst convo ever. It’s not every day that someone can really relate to the kind of divorce that my parents put me and my sister went through. Strangely, it kind of redeemed him a bit.

giphy giphy

ATTENTION: I’d hope it goes without saying, but do not use your parents’ divorce as a way to improve your chances with someone on a first date!! It only helped this guy because it was very relatable to me and because there was nowhere to go but up for him at that point in the date. Also, I’ll admit: I was much more willing to cut him slack because I was attracted to him. Hate me for saying that, but it’s the truth.

Ok, so that’s part one of this date. If you think this is already going in a bizarre direction, you have no idea.

Stay tuned.

gets worse

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No Strings Attached

I’m sure most of you have had an experience where you were seeing a guy (or girl, whoever) you were into and may had even seen the possibility for a potential relationship with that person. You started out dating and things were going great, but then you eventually realized that you’d been doing a whole lot of the casual hang outs and staying in (usually in bed) with that person more than you went out on dates together. Before long, you felt like you had become more of a hookup to this guy/gal than someone that person actually wanted a relationship with.  Can I get an Amen?

amen

This scenario has happened to me before (ahem, my first Hinge guy and at least one other Chris), and it totally sucks.  Well, I should clarify and say it sucked because I actually wanted more than a hookup.  This post is a similar tale of dating-turned-hookup, except I got exactly what I wanted.  Allow me to explain…

After my Bumble fails, I took a break from dating for a few months.  Then in October, I matched with a guy on Hinge who was immediately hilarious to chat with.  I typically can’t stand the messaging part of online dating, but this guy made it more than bearable.  We swapped numbers and soon had a first date scheduled.

Only Dating Problem: Kinda Catfish

The issue wasn’t that he didn’t look like his profile picture.  In fact, he was actually taller than the height he listed, and he looked as attractive as I had expected.  However, his humor from our messages did not carry over into real life. At first I thought it was nerves, but nothing changed after three dates.  What’s worse is that not only did he not make me laugh, but he just didn’t laugh in general.  His goofy level was probably a 1.5 out of 10, and so it was a total letdown from a dating perspective.

no laugh

Ok, so I mentioned I went on three dates with him… but it didn’t take me that long to realize he wasn’t my person.  However, that didn’t discourage me from continuing to see him.  It might make sense if I divulge the progression of our dates and how it led to where things went.

First Date Makeout

This guy was a great kisser.  Not only that: he was great at making out.  Now, you might be thinking, “Isn’t that the same thing?”  NO!  While being an amazing kisser is half the battle, there are a few little underrated moves that end up going a long way:

When the guy has his hand behind your head and pulls you closer.

pulls closer kiss

Take another pointer from Ryan Gosling

When he touches your face while making out.

hands on face kiss

Sensual, eh?

And if things get more heated… When he ventures outside of just kissing your lips (woah, kiddos, all of this is happening above the waist, cool down!).

Obviously there is more to it than this to be a skilled makeout bandit, but I’m not teaching a kissing class here.  All I’m saying is that if you like to kiss people you should not forget these small things.  So basically, this Hinge fellah pulled out all these moves on me, which not only left me swooning, but he also had me thinking he would probably be pretty great in bed.

Second Date Hookup Hookups

We went to a bar near his place for our second date, and afterwards we went back to his place. For approximately half a second I thought I’d try to be a proper lady and keep my clothes on, but then I realized I’m a grown ass woman who will do what she wants!  So we tore each other’s clothes off, and I was far from disappointed with what I saw.  We did adult things, and for the first time since the Hinge guy I really liked back in 2013, I finally found someone who could get it right. Very right.

that's right

The First (Planned) Booty Call

Thanksgiving was that same week, but we were both back in the city that Saturday and had plans to do our separate things… but we also made plans to meet up later.  And it was a mutual understanding that later = after the bars start to close and there’s nowhere to go but bed.  That time rolled around, we were back in touch to figure out location, and soon enough he was in my bed.  For him being the first guy I’d slept with since that Happn guy back in March, I had to wonder why I let my dry spell go on for so many months when getting a good lay could actually be so simple and convenient.

what like its hard

Consistent Booty Calls

We got dinner once more after that (date #3), and it did nothing but confirm that he was not my person and delay what we both were really wanting at the end of the night.  So since then, we just skip right to the point.  We only talk on weekends after at least 7pm to put the initial feelers out there, and then we only see each other after we’re both done with our nights.  The only exception was one Sunday when he had his apartment to himself, so I went over in the middle of the day when we were both sober and took advantage of that opportunity.

Since New Years rolled around, we haven’t seen each other.  We have both reached out to each other several times, but neither of us are ever in the same area at the same time.  I suppose I could always go out of my way, but I haven’t really had a use for him lately… I’ll get to that in my next post.

suspense

50 Shades of Chris

After my happn dating spree, I went back on Hinge and matched with a guy named Chris in early April. To date, I haven’t named any of the guys I’ve gone out with, but there’s a reason I’m naming him, which I’ll get to… after I address the problem (yes, there was only one).

Problem #1: Girl-ish Tendencies

The first thing I noticed was that, hey, he was pretty good looking! But that quickly disappeared once he opened his mouth and had a very high-pitched, girl-like voice. We got seated at a table for two, so we sat across from each other. And yes, he really was good looking and lived up to his profile! However, that voice was just way too distracting.

As we were talking, I noticed another thing that was actually even more distracting than his voice.  While he was just sitting there, he kept shimmying.

shimmy shimmy

Yes, shimmying.

shimmying

Serious shoulder side-to-side action.  I’d like to see anyone sit across from this and not be distracted.

shimmy

Ok, yes, I totally get that it could be a nervous habit. But that plus the voice added up to make his good looks disappear for me.

what happened to you

Alright, back to the Chris thing. It was after this date that I went back and noticed how a huge majority of the guys I connect with online are named Chris. And what’s even more interesting is that so many of them don’t fit into my narrow mold of what I consider attractive. Seriously, I think I might just be attracted to the name Chris.

Here are some descriptions of a few Chris profiles that I’m matched up with (and readers, I am just as picky with my swipes as I am in real life, so these guys weren’t an oversight; I just happen to find these Chris guys to be attractive):

  • Selfie-taking motorcycle driver & skateboard rider
  • 5’7″ with no scruff
  • Bald and has surpassed the “dad bod” in weight

You’re probably thinking either, “WTF that’s not like you and something must be wrong” or, “Wow, Picky Dater, maybe you are destined to be with a Chris since they magically make you not-so-picky!”

it's a miracle

Well, my track record with Chrises is not so fabulous…

  • The red head I was obsessed with in college. In addition to being SO far from being my type, he was also an asshole (or he just wasn’t into me as much as I was him, and I prefer to call him an asshole to make myself feel better)
  • The guy from Hinge that I really liked. What a gem… but he also didn’t like me as much as I liked him and chose another girl over me.
  • The original Pompous Asshole. While he continued to text me after even our second date, I was not going to endure another minute with him.

All in all, I have started to wonder if maybe I should steer clear of the Chris men of the world.  But if I do cross paths with another one, I bet he will be his own version of unique. Aaaand you can bet that I will share it with you.

totally going in my blog