Bumble, Booze, & Breakups

Bumble is one of those dating apps that I had originally downloaded ages ago, but nobody decent was on it at the time.  By the time spring and summer 2015 rolled around, the dating pool of guys in my city on the app had drastically improved.  So, obviously, I attacked it with similar enthusiasm as I did when I first got into OKCupid.  I scheduled dates with two different guys on back-to-back days at the end of July.  These are their stories (queue dramatic SVU “dun-dun” sound).

First Guy, First Date

I met Bumble #1 at a bar after work, and it was one of those days when I was ready to have a drink or two or ten. He had a drink at work and then got to the bar before me, so he was onboard the same booze train as me. It may have been the excitement of the first date, it may have been instant chemistry, or it may have been the booze, but I was pretty pumped that we were hitting it off quickly. We had great conversation and had each other laughing – all the while, still sucking down drinks. We eventually moved to another bar, and to give you an indication of where we were on the drunk scale, I’ll tell you that we started kissing in the bar…which I don’t do sober. We almost went to another bar, but I made the call to go home instead (I did have another date the next day, after all). So we made out a bit then went our separate ways. Overall, it was a great date, and I was totally on board for a second one.

not bad

Second Guy, First Date

From the pictures in his profile, Bumble #2 was really hot. And thank goodness for that because I wasn’t feeling 100% after the drinking date the night before, and his looks were the only thing motivating me to not cancel. He was running late because he had an after work function, so I got to the bar and – surprise, surprise – began drinking.  A drink and a half later, he showed up.  He was definitely good looking, but our conversation took quiiiiite a while to really pick up.  It was just… awkward.

awkward

Fortunately, we continued to drink and the weirdness eventually drifted away.  By the end of the night, I was definitely into him.  He said he wanted to see me again, and then we said goodbye outside of the bar.

After both first dates, I was shocked that I actually had two good dates in a row AND that I wanted to see them both again.  While I found myself more physically attracted to Bumble #2, I was actually way more excited to see Bumble #1 again.  I had dates with both of them scheduled for the next week.

First Guy, Second Date

There is not too much to say about this date.  I definitely went into the night excited to see this Bumble #1 guy again.  We started off completely sober, got some food, and the amount of alcohol we consumed was only a fraction of what we had the week prior.  Fortunately, there was never any awkwardness.  Unfortunately, I began to realize that he had a SERIOUS case of Juan Pablo Syndrome.  However, since we had such a good time on our first date, I decided tried to convince myself that I was just being too critical.  Still, I left the date a bit disappointed because it was a lot of him talking at me with few attempts to ask me about my awesomely amazing life.

im cool

Second Guy, Second Date

After my second date with the first guy, I became even more excited for my second date with Bumble #2.  He had me a bit concerned as I was on my way to meet him because he texted saying he was there and that I’d find him smoking cigs with a group of guys on the bench outside the restaurant.  Cigarette smoking is a big no-no for me, so I literally texted my friends asking WTF I was getting myself into.  To my pleasant surprise, he was completely kidding, and I was apparently just horrible at picking up his sarcasm.  We got sushi and a few drinks, and there was no awkwardness like there was on the first date.  He was great to look at, funny, and managed to both tell me about himself while also asking about me.  Someone has finally mastered this difficult concept!

way to go

Towards the end of the date, he asked me what I was looking for and why I was still single.  Honestly, I really need to get my pitch down because it was not the first time I’ve been asked that nor was it the first time I’ve probably sounded all over the place with my answer.  But anyways,  I said something to the effect of how I am looking for something serious but not willing to just settle down for just anyone, and I am still single because I haven’t found anyone I’ve wanted to get serious with.  I asked him the same question, and he explained how he wasn’t looking for something too serious because he just got out of a bad breakup a few months ago.  He then reiterated that it was a bad breakup. A bad breakup.  He said it so many times that I almost asked him what happened (ugh, I should’ve just asked!).

Anyways, the date ended, and we hugged goodbye.  But before I left, he said he had added me on SnapChat and that he wanted me to add him back.  In my silly girl mind, I was thinking that probably meant he wanted to see me again.  Well, after two or three texts (all initiated by me) throughout the next week and a half, I eventually got the hint that he didn’t want a third date.  I was bummed because I was still into him which is rare coming out of a second date.  But, hey, at least I got a new SnapChat friend…?

yay

First Guy, Third Date

I wasn’t super ecstatic about going on a third date with Bumble #1, but I felt that the first date was too good to let the second mehhh date dictate how I felt about him. We met for sushi (yeah, I apparently was on a roll with the sushi dates), and the first red flag of the night was that he didn’t want to share his sushi.  I’m sorry, but who doesn’t share sushi on a date ever?  The second red flag was when he ordered us a scorpion bowl.  On a Tuesday.

tuesday

Ok, I get that boozing was a big part of our previous dates, but I actually specifically told him I didn’t want to order a scorpion bowl (that amount of sugar in one massive bowl never results in a good feeling the next day).  Nevertheless, he ordered it AND insisted that we finish it before leaving.  I told him no chance and even said that I wasn’t going to be able to stay past 9 – regardless of whether or not the scorpion bowl was finished.  Somehow we finished it, but I was not happy or proud about it at all.

immediately regret

That wasn’t the worst of it, though.  I went into the date making a conscious effort to notice how many times he asked me a question.   With the exception of “what kind of sushi is that?” and “why do you need to leave at 9?”, he asked me ZERO questions about myself. None. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Nothing.  I promise I am not exaggerating at all.  Juan Pablo, you may have met your match.  As for me, I was done with Bumble #1.

buh bye.gif

 

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This Year’s Version of the Attractive Pompous Douchebag

Remember 2014’s infamous Pompous Douchebag? Remember how much he sucked, but yet, because I wanted to make out with him, he managed to get me to go on a second date? Well, this guy (who was my third happn date in March) is almost entirely the same tale… except no second date was necessary because I got what I wanted on the first round.

Let’s start from the beginning: a few days after the office stint with happn #2, I met up with this guy. I was really excited because his pictures depicted a man one year older than me who perfectly fit the mold of my ideal look. However, I was a little thrown off by the fact that he mentioned that his birthday was on the day of our date. Not a few days before or after his birthday… his actual birthday. I know I’m awesome, but I thought it was a little strange that he wanted to spend his birthday with a total stranger from the internet. Whatever, I used it as an excuse to pick up two cupcakes from this bakery I’d been wanting to stop into (don’t be fooled – the cupcakes were more for me than for him).

Right out of the gates, it was clear that his pictures were misleading. He was short. Like no more than half-an-inch-taller-than-me short. He was also very little in terms of his build, and I later came to learn it is because he never works out. Ever. Oh and get this: he lives LESS THAN ONE MILE from work… and he takes an Uber to work every single day. Not only is that lazy but, um, can you say surge prices up the wazoo at that hour?! Ridiculous. But to take a step back, as far as his looks go, I can’t really slap the “Kinda Catfish” dating problem stamp on him because his scruffy face looked like his pictures (which I was very pleased about) and happn doesn’t make you list your height or any other details like that. So all in all, I was disappointed BUT not completely uninterested.

allow it

I’m going to go through this date in two parts.  So let’s begin with the problems…

Problem #1: Juan Pablo Syndrome

Unlike last year’s Pompous Douchebag who was too cool to give me ANY details about himself, this guy took the completely opposite route. He had one of the worst cases of the Juan Pablo Syndrome ever. I kid you not, I learned everything about his childhood, how he dropped out of high school, all of his attempted entrepreneurial ventures, exactly everything he has done and is doing for work, how everything in his life is the best ever, and everything in between. I literally even knew the life story of both of his sisters, including what they were like growing up, what schools they went to, where they live, what they do, and even a decently detailed summary of their husbands’ lives. While the details have been discarded from my memory by now, I kid you not: I was able to reiterate in great detail the stories of his and his siblings’ lives to my friends the next day.

What did he learn about me from questions he asked (as opposed to me just telling him)? I can list it off for you: the name of the company I worked at, the fact that I have two siblings, and where I graduated college. That’s it. And that’s exactly what he knew; it’s not like he asked what I do at work, whether my siblings were brothers or sisters, or what I studied in college.

so much you dont know

Now, when someone has this dating problem, I typically just take note of it and wait until this blog to address it. But this guy was so terribly exactly like JP that I decided to call him out on it.

*He finally ran out of things to talk about and now there was an awkward silence.*

Him: So….

Me: So…. (letting the silence build to see if he would come up with a question)

Him: What do you have to say? (ahem, anyone else notice how similar this is to the Sex at Dawn convo with Pompous Douchebag?!)

Me: Well, do you have any questions for me? I feel like I know your entire life story but yet you know nothing about me.

Him: (very defensive) What is that supposed to mean? It’s not like this is an interview!

Me: I know. But I’m curious what questions you might have for me. You haven’t shown much interest in learning more about me or my life.

Him: (still very defensive-sounding) Ok, then tell me about yourself.

tell me about yourself

I thought that was an ironic question to ask since it’s such an interview-y question. Not to mention, it’s a total cop out. Whatever, I don’t remember exactly what I told him but I talked long enough to make it less awkward than it was when I called him out.

Problem #2: Pompous

If this guy and the original Pompous Douchebag were to go head-to-head to determine who was the most pompous, the original would probably win… but it would be close. Throughout his entire schpeel about his life, this guy somehow managed to make it sound as though everything he did in life was right while everything else is wrong.

im right youre wrong

Example 1: He dropped out of high school because he knew he a lot of the curriculum was unnecessary and that he could teach himself what was necessary better than the teachers could teach him. And people who follow the system are followers with no opinions or ideas of their own.

Hahaha, I specifically remember him saying that last line because I laughed out loud. Ok, so I will say that I admire the fact that he has come to have a successful position at a growing company all due to his own motivation and without a high school degree. That said, he could have told me this in a biiiiiiit more of a humble way.

Example 2: He worked at the best company ever. No, this was not the opinion of a very happy employee. This was an indisputable fact.

And he so generously offered to try to get me a job there because, you know, I’d obviously love it way more than my current job.

cool sarcastic thank you

Problem #3: Judge Judy

This kind of goes hand-in-hand with the pompous problem, but he judged the shit out of so many things that weren’t in line with his life. And the funny thing is that he had no basis for half of the things he judged.

For instance, he grew up in our current city, while I told him that I grew up in another U.S. city. He wasted no time to tell me that this city is so much better than my hometown and how he was so happy that’s not where he grew up. I was a bit shocked to hear this because it was so rude people tend to actually really like my hometown city, and so I asked if he had ever been there before. NOPE.

keep that mouth shut

Stay tuned for the second part of the date with tequila and sexy time…

Random Reflections on 2014

As I was going back and deciding who was worthy of making my Top 5 of 2014 list, I started to realize that there were a number of ways that I have, um, evolved, I guess you would say.  Then this weekend I was lying in bed thinking of any reason to avoid getting out of it really reflecting on what I’ve learned and how I’ve changed over the past year (really sappy, I know).  Instead of writing it for myself in the Notes section of my iPhone where I have all my New Years Resolutions for the past few years saved, I figured I’d post this one here.  So even if you all don’t gain anything from reading this, at least I’ll have an extra backup in case my phone runs away from me again (pshhh… you thought I’d let myself LOSE a phone twice in one year? of course it ran away from me) or someone decides to hack the cloud for the sole reason of accessing my weight loss goals of 2012.

Ladies and gentlemen, in no particular order, my random thoughts on 2014:

1) Sometimes closure is exactly what you need to get over someone.

As far as dating/relationships go, getting closure from my last relationship was by far the best thing I did in 2014.  Had that not happened, I would probably still be secretly hung up on him which over three years later would be almost as pathetic as AshLee’s obsession with Graham on Bachelor in Paradise.  But as a side note, people, don’t be making false promises to someone you really care about just to try to make him/her happy in the moment.  It’s just not cool.

ashlee social media graham

2) Where oh where is Juan Pablo?

Let’s see how many references to The Bachelor I can fit in one post.  Well, when I was looking back on some of my earlier dates of 2014, I remembered just how many more guys had the JP Syndrome back then compared to guys I’ve gone out with the last few months.  I don’t think I’ve done anything differently, so maybe I just happen to be going out with people who are more curious to actually get to know me.  Or maybe more guys watch The Bachelor than we think and have morphed themselves into Midwest souls like Chris Soules (ha, I amuse myself).  Guys: when you can’t hang out on Monday afternoon, I secretly know exactly what you are doing watching.

hey everybody chris harrison

3) So, about the First Date Check problem…

I’ll be honest, especially when I first started dating out of college and even still for most of 2014, I was a stickler about the First Date Check problem and seriously judged someone if they allowed me to split the check with them on a first meeting.  Still being honest here, I DO think it is in guys’ best interests to plan on footing the bill on a first date because believe it or not, I’m not the only person who is/was super picky about this.  Plus – and I admittedly still fall into this category – many girls just appreciate the old-fashioned chivalry that movies and TV shows showed us growing up.  All this said, I have begun to recognize that I don’t necessarily care TOO much about splitting on the first date anymore.  I’m not exactly sure what changed, but here’s my feelings (as of right now, at least): if we meet in a mutually convenient area or especially if he goes out of his way to go somewhere close to me, then by all means, let’s split it.  Honestly, sometimes I don’t even care if I pay for everything.  However, if it takes over 35 minutes and/or a $25 Uber ride for me to meet somewhere close to him, then I expect him to pay (I’m looking at you, Pompous Douchebag and Subway Kisser).

clarissa date meter

Thanks, Clarissa.

4) …and about the Second Date Hold Up

I used to think that if I wasn’t into a guy after the first date, then it was completely okay for me to just ignore him when he reached out again until he got the point.  Lately, though, I try to be better about giving these fellahs an explanation… buuuut it doesn’t always happen.  Then one of my good friends recently made an excellent point that makes so much sense to me: the first date check problem is the equivalent of the second date hold up.  In other words, if we are going to expect a guy to pay on the first date, then us girls should be obliged to respond when they ask us out again – even if that means somehow telling them we are not interested.

the second date hold up

5) Everyone should learn to travel alone and take some time with the #1: YOU.

It can be good for the soul.

happy being alone

6) I need to be pickier with my online dates.

Say whaaaa?! Sounds ridiculous since this whole blog is about how picky I am, but there are actually a lot of dates that I agree to go on with people that I am only semi-interested in based on their profiles and our brief messaging before meeting.  The result?  I’m not excited to meet up with them and they very rarely see a second date.  On the other hand, the first Hinge date I went on was with someone who I was super attracted to on the app, which led to me being SO excited for the first date… and I ended up really liking him.  I was also excited for the Sean Connery sober man and even though my interest in him waned with each date, the first one was still way more successful than my first dates with guys I wasn’t all that into.

picky shoes and eating

7) I need to be less picky when I meet someone in person.

If you don’t know me, you are probably quick to assume that I have always been picky.  Fair assumption, but back in high school and college I actually used to date/hookup with an array of people including a scrawny redhead, a guy shorter than me, someone who grew literally zero facial hair, and, well, you get the picture.  Basically, I wasn’t really THAT picky.  So this year, I resolve to try to be more open-minded if a guy I’m not immediately attracted to introduces himself to me and also isn’t one of the 99% of the population in a relationship.

lower your expectations

8) I need to grow some balls and start approaching good-looking guys again.

I also need to start wearing my glasses – or finally get Lasik – so I get better at determining when someone is good from far but far from good.  Being less awkward could help as well.

pocahontas greeting

9) Our friends aren’t very good at setting us up – with anyone.

I’m convinced that the cure to my pickiness is by meeting someone with a good personality through a mutual friend and get to know them through casual group hangouts rather than forced dates.  The problem is that absolutely nobody seems to know any single people that I would be willing to date worthy of me. There has got to be a better way to take advantage of the mutual/third-party connections listed in Hinge.

help a girl out

10) At the end of the day, you gotta date because you want to and not because you need to.

If I’d rather stay in and watch SVU, then that’s what I’ll probably do.  And I’ll be happy doing it.  Self-love, readers, self-love.

im awesome