This Year’s Version of the Attractive Pompous Douchebag

Remember 2014’s infamous Pompous Douchebag? Remember how much he sucked, but yet, because I wanted to make out with him, he managed to get me to go on a second date? Well, this guy (who was my third happn date in March) is almost entirely the same tale… except no second date was necessary because I got what I wanted on the first round.

Let’s start from the beginning: a few days after the office stint with happn #2, I met up with this guy. I was really excited because his pictures depicted a man one year older than me who perfectly fit the mold of my ideal look. However, I was a little thrown off by the fact that he mentioned that his birthday was on the day of our date. Not a few days before or after his birthday… his actual birthday. I know I’m awesome, but I thought it was a little strange that he wanted to spend his birthday with a total stranger from the internet. Whatever, I used it as an excuse to pick up two cupcakes from this bakery I’d been wanting to stop into (don’t be fooled – the cupcakes were more for me than for him).

Right out of the gates, it was clear that his pictures were misleading. He was short. Like no more than half-an-inch-taller-than-me short. He was also very little in terms of his build, and I later came to learn it is because he never works out. Ever. Oh and get this: he lives LESS THAN ONE MILE from work… and he takes an Uber to work every single day. Not only is that lazy but, um, can you say surge prices up the wazoo at that hour?! Ridiculous. But to take a step back, as far as his looks go, I can’t really slap the “Kinda Catfish” dating problem stamp on him because his scruffy face looked like his pictures (which I was very pleased about) and happn doesn’t make you list your height or any other details like that. So all in all, I was disappointed BUT not completely uninterested.

allow it

I’m going to go through this date in two parts.  So let’s begin with the problems…

Problem #1: Juan Pablo Syndrome

Unlike last year’s Pompous Douchebag who was too cool to give me ANY details about himself, this guy took the completely opposite route. He had one of the worst cases of the Juan Pablo Syndrome ever. I kid you not, I learned everything about his childhood, how he dropped out of high school, all of his attempted entrepreneurial ventures, exactly everything he has done and is doing for work, how everything in his life is the best ever, and everything in between. I literally even knew the life story of both of his sisters, including what they were like growing up, what schools they went to, where they live, what they do, and even a decently detailed summary of their husbands’ lives. While the details have been discarded from my memory by now, I kid you not: I was able to reiterate in great detail the stories of his and his siblings’ lives to my friends the next day.

What did he learn about me from questions he asked (as opposed to me just telling him)? I can list it off for you: the name of the company I worked at, the fact that I have two siblings, and where I graduated college. That’s it. And that’s exactly what he knew; it’s not like he asked what I do at work, whether my siblings were brothers or sisters, or what I studied in college.

so much you dont know

Now, when someone has this dating problem, I typically just take note of it and wait until this blog to address it. But this guy was so terribly exactly like JP that I decided to call him out on it.

*He finally ran out of things to talk about and now there was an awkward silence.*

Him: So….

Me: So…. (letting the silence build to see if he would come up with a question)

Him: What do you have to say? (ahem, anyone else notice how similar this is to the Sex at Dawn convo with Pompous Douchebag?!)

Me: Well, do you have any questions for me? I feel like I know your entire life story but yet you know nothing about me.

Him: (very defensive) What is that supposed to mean? It’s not like this is an interview!

Me: I know. But I’m curious what questions you might have for me. You haven’t shown much interest in learning more about me or my life.

Him: (still very defensive-sounding) Ok, then tell me about yourself.

tell me about yourself

I thought that was an ironic question to ask since it’s such an interview-y question. Not to mention, it’s a total cop out. Whatever, I don’t remember exactly what I told him but I talked long enough to make it less awkward than it was when I called him out.

Problem #2: Pompous

If this guy and the original Pompous Douchebag were to go head-to-head to determine who was the most pompous, the original would probably win… but it would be close. Throughout his entire schpeel about his life, this guy somehow managed to make it sound as though everything he did in life was right while everything else is wrong.

im right youre wrong

Example 1: He dropped out of high school because he knew he a lot of the curriculum was unnecessary and that he could teach himself what was necessary better than the teachers could teach him. And people who follow the system are followers with no opinions or ideas of their own.

Hahaha, I specifically remember him saying that last line because I laughed out loud. Ok, so I will say that I admire the fact that he has come to have a successful position at a growing company all due to his own motivation and without a high school degree. That said, he could have told me this in a biiiiiiit more of a humble way.

Example 2: He worked at the best company ever. No, this was not the opinion of a very happy employee. This was an indisputable fact.

And he so generously offered to try to get me a job there because, you know, I’d obviously love it way more than my current job.

cool sarcastic thank you

Problem #3: Judge Judy

This kind of goes hand-in-hand with the pompous problem, but he judged the shit out of so many things that weren’t in line with his life. And the funny thing is that he had no basis for half of the things he judged.

For instance, he grew up in our current city, while I told him that I grew up in another U.S. city. He wasted no time to tell me that this city is so much better than my hometown and how he was so happy that’s not where he grew up. I was a bit shocked to hear this because it was so rude people tend to actually really like my hometown city, and so I asked if he had ever been there before. NOPE.

keep that mouth shut

Stay tuned for the second part of the date with tequila and sexy time…

Advertisements

More Mediocre Back-to-Back Dates

2014 has come and gone, but I still have a few last blasts from the not-so-distant past that I have yet to update you on.  Here are the first two (out of three), which were both mediocre at best… so don’t expect to be blown away by this post.

Date: Scruffy Vanilla
Dating Problems: Dull and Bad Body Language
We connected via OKC and met up in early November. The most interesting fact (in his mind) that he had to share was that he was from the town that has some big jack-o-lantern festival. YOU’RE FROM HALLOWEENTOWN? Sadly, no, because that would have infinitely increased his level of intrigue.

halloween weird stuff

Anyways, he was genuinely shocked that I had no idea what town he was referring to or what Halloween tradition he was talking about. Whatever.  But later he did drop the fun fact that most of Jumanji was filmed in his hometown. Not sure how he let that go under the radar since that tidbit of information was actually the most interesting thing I remember from the date.  I was hoping he had been an extra in it, but unfortunately he wasn’t that cool.  Other than those hometown facts, there really wasn’t much that he talked about that was very interesting at all – and trust me, he talked A LOT.  Had he not eventually wised up and finally asked me about myself, he definitely would’ve gotten the Juan Pablo Syndrome label.  And it didn’t help that his body language was horrendous and had me thinking he wasn’t into me for most of the date. I know it can be tough to turn your body slightly towards your date while sitting side-by-side at a bar… but, wait, no, it’s actually not that hard at all. His shoulders were facing squarely forward and he rarely made eye contact with me. When he asked me out again, I considered it but eventually passed because despite his well-tamed scruffy facial hair, I couldn’t justify didn’t want to take time to see him again.

look at me

Date: The Unimpressed Comedian
Dating Problems: Girl-ish Tendencies (previously referred to as Male-on-Male Tendencies) and Judge Judy
The day after Scruffy Vanilla, I met up with this guy who had messaged me on OKC asking me to a comedy show right off the bat. He wasn’t exactly my type looks-wise but his profile was hilarious since he himself was a bit of a comedian. It was an offer that was hard to refuse. Now, with the first dating problem I listed, I really need to rename the “male-on-male tendencies” problem because this guy didn’t actually portray any tendencies like my very first Tinder date who I actually did think might be into men (which, for the record, I’m totally cool with – I just don’t want to date you if that’s the case). The comedian just had a very girly-ish voice, which when compared to my raspier Emma Stone-like voice, it was questionable whose was deeper.  That aside, he was very much into it females. In fact, he self-admittedly had been on a ton of dates with girls he met online which ended up being an interesting conversation topic. Ladies, apparently a lot of you are setting dates with guys and then not showing up. I’m not talking last minute cancellations; he said on multiple occasions he and several of his friends have been straight up stood up by girls they met online. Come on, gals. We’re better than that. At least text them and say you can’t miss the rerun of the SVU episode that you’ve already seen twice.

watch law and order

Anyways, he took me to the comedy show which was hilarious. However, he ended up hating on the opening act throughout the entire time he was on stage. I get that he’s super into comedy and maybe knows “good” from “bad,” but I was cracking up from start to finish and his negative comments were getting annoying.  Plus, even though he was making the comments privately to me, I got really uncomfortable because he was not being quiet about his opinions at all.

getting uncomfortable

Nevertheless, it wasn’t a bad date.  There was no second one even though he did ask me out again. To be honest, it was the girly voice that was the main reason I didn’t see him again. I just don’t think I could get over that.

#Thursdate with Boston Girl & Boston Hater

Today’s #Thursdate is from one of my readers in Boston… and it’s pretty impressive. The date lasted only one drink, and this guy managed to pack in more problems than most guys display over the course of multiple dates.

Pre-Date

The two connected through Coffee Meets Bagel. Although he seemed a bit pretentious based on some of his profile responses and his pictures were a bit blurry, they still scheduled a date to meet after work at a bar. And to properly set the scene, it was a decently nice bar in the Financial District where apparently pretty much everyone shows up in suits or at least some form of business casual clothing.

Problem #1: WTF Are You Wearing

Boston girl arrived at the bar, which was full of professionally dressed men and women.  A few minutes after she got situated, Boston Hater came waltzing in wearing baggy mesh shorts, a t-shirt, knee-high socks, basketball shoes, and disheveled hair.  It looked like he had just come from the gym or a re-creation of Aaron Carter’s “That’s How I Beat Shaq” video…but he hadn’t.  So either this guy is the perfect example of why Queer Eye for the Straight Guy needs to be back on the air, or he was planning to go workout right after the date = he has no patience or respect for his date.  All in all, things were headed downhill before they even greeted each other.

bball outfit

Problem #2: Kinda Catfish

Considering this guy’s profile pictures were blurry, I can only imagine how unenthused Boston Girl was to get a close-up of him after having the misfortune of seeing his outfit.  The good news is that he wasn’t horrible looking and that the fuzzy images he provided weren’t entirely different from how he looked in person.  Buuuut like most guys online, he lied on his height.  Boston Girl was in heels and based on the height he provided, that shouldn’t have been a problem.  So when they were finally face-to-face, he lost some major points for being barely eye-to-eye with her.

youre tall

Problem #3: Judge Judy

The two started talking the usual small talk, which of course includes “where are you from/where did you grow up?”  Boston Hater was from Philadelphia (now living in Boston), and Boston Girl was from Boston (born and raised).  This smooth talker really nailed it with the things he said next:

  • “Boston girls are the worst.  They think they are so hot.”
  • “Boston girls all think they are such hot shit.”
  • “If I’m at a bar, I am always trying to be a gentleman, but then I will see a Boston girl across the bar thinking she is all that.  So I just go up to girls like that and say, ‘you’re not as hot as you think you are’ and walk away.”

Really strange way to direct the conversation seeing as our gal literally just told him that she was, in fact, a Boston girl (not to mention, who the hell randomly goes up to girls and says something like that?!).  It was so bizarre that she interjected shortly after he started his rant and talked about how her family still lives in Boston, how she is still great friends with the girls she grew up with in Boston, how she went to school in Boston.  Basically, she wanted to make sure that he she made it clear that the defendant was in the shower she was from Boston and the group of people he was shitting on included the girl sitting next to him at the bar.  His response?  “Oh, well you’re not one of them.”  Ha, great recovery, dickhead.

shut up

Problem #4: Pompous

Unlike the depiction of his height in photos, the pretentiousness that shined through on his profile was actually a great indicator for what he was like in person.  After he rambled on and on about how he was better than every female in Massachusetts, the conversation shifted to online dating.  Boston Hater admitted that this was his first online date…but the only reason for that was because the Coffee Meets Bagel app was broken.  Wait, huh?  Yep, he explained how Boston Girl was the only match he had gotten so far, which obviously meant that the app wasn’t functioning correctly.  Earth to Matilda: it’s not the app.

nobody likes you

At that point, she had had enough of this delusional guy and said she had to go once she finished her first drink.  She told him “Good luck in Boston!” and expected (and hoped) to never hear from him again.  Funny thing is that he actually thought the date went well and he reached out for a second date.  NOPE.

Good news, though: Boston Girl did eventually find love through Coffee Meets Bagel!  She told me how she and her now-boyfriend were matched through the app and have been together for about a year 🙂  Cheers to love on the East Coast!