OKCupid Asks, “Would You Dump Someone Simply Because They Weren’t Good at Sex?”

Excellent question. Prior to the last guy I dated in 2014, my answer was “No.” His answer was “Yes.”

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I’ve since changed my answer…and he might want to consider doing the same.

Date #1: Dread to Excitement

As I mentioned in #1 of my reflections of 2014, I surprisingly have a tendency to be NOT picky enough when it comes to who I go on online dates with because all too often I agree to meet up with someone only to find myself dreading leaving my apartment to go see him. This was one of those times…but to my surprise, it didn’t have the same usual lackluster ending.  Per usual, I wasn’t crazy attracted to him from the start, but he had scruff and was taller than me, so there was potential. And sure enough, as we started talking I grew to actually find him more attractive. Maybe it was the wine we were guzzling, but I felt like we were really clicking. Not sure if any of you follow me on Twitter, but here’s a snippet of a few Picky Dater thoughts from that night (read from bottom to top):

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We ended up staying at the bar for a solid three hours and there was never a dull moment in the conversation. Believe it or not, I left that date wanting to go on a second one.

excited baby

Date #2: Hungover to Drunk Again

So I guess I’ll let my tweets set the stage again (read bottom to top):

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Aside from the observation that I have a bit of an unhealthy obsession with SVU, hopefully one of your takeaways from this is “OMG the Picky Dater might not be asexual!”  Anyways, a quick summary on what exactly happened on Date #2:

By the time noon came around that Sunday and it was time for me to meet him, my hangover was in full force.  I was considering canceling, but it was way too close to the time we had planned on aaaaand his suggestion for the date was ice cream which was enough to get me out the door.  Ideally, I would have left my place wearing sweats with my hair up in a messy bun, but I decided to be a normal human being and look put-together for this date.

hair whip

We met at a local coffee shop and immediately: WTF Are You Wearing?!  He stole my hungover look and was wearing a fucking hoodie.  And not just any hoodie. It was a purple hoodie. With a massive anchor on it. All he needed were some gym shorts and he would’ve been right up there with the Boston Hater‘s fashion sense.

After the coffee shop, this guy, his hoodie, and I all set off to find this new ice cream shop in the city.  Along the way, we passed a mediocre Mexican restaurant, and he SWORE he read that this place was recognized for having the best fries in the city.  Because, you know, everyone knows that McDonald’s biggest french fry competitors are Mexican restaurants.  He was so sure of it that we went in, and the wait staff had the same reaction as me and thought he needed to get his head examined.  Obviously he was wrong, but now we had reason to get some chips and guac.  We stayed there for a solid 2-3 hours, my hangover passed, we ate lunch, and soon enough I had a margarita in front of me and I was drinking again.

cant say no to tequila

From the Mexican place we FINALLY went to get ice cream.  Once we finished, we went to ANOTHER coffee shop followed by a local bar where we watched football until at least 10pm.  Yep, it was a full-day date… and I was in no rush to leave.  He walked me back to my place, had a quick makeout sesh (outside of my apartment), and we parted ways.

Date #3: From Best Date in a LONG Time to a Really SMALL Ending

By the time we met up for our third date, I felt like I had known this guy for a while and that we had been out way more than just two times prior.  It was a Friday night and we went to a fancy sushi place followed by a fancy bar where we got fancy dessert.  It was honestly the most legit date I have been on in… I don’t even know how long.  So to recap the scene: I was still totally into this guy, we had an amazing date, and he was getting super handsy at the last bar… so I didn’t put up a fight when he suggested we go back to his place.  We started making out, blah blah blah, but his pants were still on.  It seemed like a while for us to make it to the bedroom, and when we did, you can imagine what happened.

wink

Wait.

hold up wait

No.

no im shocked

No. Actually, no you cannot.

NO

The only other time I’ve referenced the “Bedroom Embarrassment” dating problem was with the wailing Aussie, and in that post I said how his size was disappointing but that I wouldn’t go there.  Well, I HAVE to go there this time.  I hate to do it because I feel bad for guys because while girls can go get boob jobs or ass implants, I don’t think there’s much men can do about their size (but I could be wrong, I have no idea).  And just so all of you don’t think I simply have unrealistic expectations, I looked up the average size of a man’s erect penis, and he was about half the size of the the low-average length according to all the articles I read.  We tried again in the morning – “tried” being the key word.  For all I know, he may have felt quite accomplished.  I, on the other hand, was trying to figure out if he was ever inside me.  Yeah… that’s what it was like.  And no… he wasn’t able to make up for it by being really great at anything else.

Date #3.5: One Last Shot

I was obviously really disappointed after Date #3, but because I genuinely had started liking him before that, I didn’t want to just hang up my hat immediately.  So that Sunday, instead of heading right home after leaving my friend’s place, I stopped over to see him with the intention of giving it another go. We did… aaaand put simply, I thought he was still trying to get hard by the time he finished. I stuck around to watch a movie with him afterwards, but when he tried putting moves on me again, I had zero desire to even make out with him. I was frustrated and just wanted to go home. So I did.

dont wanna be here

It was a shitty situation.  I’ve actually had this post completed and ready to go for over a month but was hesitant to publish it because it was such a shitty situation. Aside from his purple sweatshirt, the problem that ended things isn’t anything like all the other “dating problems” which actually have the possibility of being remedied. So there’s that. Also, before anyone goes off on me about how there are probably plenty of ways to work around this size problem, I do have to add one thing: before sleeping with him, if you asked me if I would want to be exclusive with him, then I absolutely would’ve said no. Even though I was growing to like him, there was still something missing. Who knows, I may have been able to find that X Factor if I continued to see him and the sex was good, but the issues in the bedroom set me so off that developing those feelings further seemed impossible. As frustrated as I was about it all, I would have to imagine that he felt the same way or more. I was as nice as possible when I called it finito, and I really do wish him well because he was a great guy.  But hey, let’s all remember that according to his OKC profile, he would’ve been just as quick to kick me to the curb for similar reasons.

And that (finally) wraps up 2014.

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More Mediocre Back-to-Back Dates

2014 has come and gone, but I still have a few last blasts from the not-so-distant past that I have yet to update you on.  Here are the first two (out of three), which were both mediocre at best… so don’t expect to be blown away by this post.

Date: Scruffy Vanilla
Dating Problems: Dull and Bad Body Language
We connected via OKC and met up in early November. The most interesting fact (in his mind) that he had to share was that he was from the town that has some big jack-o-lantern festival. YOU’RE FROM HALLOWEENTOWN? Sadly, no, because that would have infinitely increased his level of intrigue.

halloween weird stuff

Anyways, he was genuinely shocked that I had no idea what town he was referring to or what Halloween tradition he was talking about. Whatever.  But later he did drop the fun fact that most of Jumanji was filmed in his hometown. Not sure how he let that go under the radar since that tidbit of information was actually the most interesting thing I remember from the date.  I was hoping he had been an extra in it, but unfortunately he wasn’t that cool.  Other than those hometown facts, there really wasn’t much that he talked about that was very interesting at all – and trust me, he talked A LOT.  Had he not eventually wised up and finally asked me about myself, he definitely would’ve gotten the Juan Pablo Syndrome label.  And it didn’t help that his body language was horrendous and had me thinking he wasn’t into me for most of the date. I know it can be tough to turn your body slightly towards your date while sitting side-by-side at a bar… but, wait, no, it’s actually not that hard at all. His shoulders were facing squarely forward and he rarely made eye contact with me. When he asked me out again, I considered it but eventually passed because despite his well-tamed scruffy facial hair, I couldn’t justify didn’t want to take time to see him again.

look at me

Date: The Unimpressed Comedian
Dating Problems: Girl-ish Tendencies (previously referred to as Male-on-Male Tendencies) and Judge Judy
The day after Scruffy Vanilla, I met up with this guy who had messaged me on OKC asking me to a comedy show right off the bat. He wasn’t exactly my type looks-wise but his profile was hilarious since he himself was a bit of a comedian. It was an offer that was hard to refuse. Now, with the first dating problem I listed, I really need to rename the “male-on-male tendencies” problem because this guy didn’t actually portray any tendencies like my very first Tinder date who I actually did think might be into men (which, for the record, I’m totally cool with – I just don’t want to date you if that’s the case). The comedian just had a very girly-ish voice, which when compared to my raspier Emma Stone-like voice, it was questionable whose was deeper.  That aside, he was very much into it females. In fact, he self-admittedly had been on a ton of dates with girls he met online which ended up being an interesting conversation topic. Ladies, apparently a lot of you are setting dates with guys and then not showing up. I’m not talking last minute cancellations; he said on multiple occasions he and several of his friends have been straight up stood up by girls they met online. Come on, gals. We’re better than that. At least text them and say you can’t miss the rerun of the SVU episode that you’ve already seen twice.

watch law and order

Anyways, he took me to the comedy show which was hilarious. However, he ended up hating on the opening act throughout the entire time he was on stage. I get that he’s super into comedy and maybe knows “good” from “bad,” but I was cracking up from start to finish and his negative comments were getting annoying.  Plus, even though he was making the comments privately to me, I got really uncomfortable because he was not being quiet about his opinions at all.

getting uncomfortable

Nevertheless, it wasn’t a bad date.  There was no second one even though he did ask me out again. To be honest, it was the girly voice that was the main reason I didn’t see him again. I just don’t think I could get over that.

Random Reflections on 2014

As I was going back and deciding who was worthy of making my Top 5 of 2014 list, I started to realize that there were a number of ways that I have, um, evolved, I guess you would say.  Then this weekend I was lying in bed thinking of any reason to avoid getting out of it really reflecting on what I’ve learned and how I’ve changed over the past year (really sappy, I know).  Instead of writing it for myself in the Notes section of my iPhone where I have all my New Years Resolutions for the past few years saved, I figured I’d post this one here.  So even if you all don’t gain anything from reading this, at least I’ll have an extra backup in case my phone runs away from me again (pshhh… you thought I’d let myself LOSE a phone twice in one year? of course it ran away from me) or someone decides to hack the cloud for the sole reason of accessing my weight loss goals of 2012.

Ladies and gentlemen, in no particular order, my random thoughts on 2014:

1) Sometimes closure is exactly what you need to get over someone.

As far as dating/relationships go, getting closure from my last relationship was by far the best thing I did in 2014.  Had that not happened, I would probably still be secretly hung up on him which over three years later would be almost as pathetic as AshLee’s obsession with Graham on Bachelor in Paradise.  But as a side note, people, don’t be making false promises to someone you really care about just to try to make him/her happy in the moment.  It’s just not cool.

ashlee social media graham

2) Where oh where is Juan Pablo?

Let’s see how many references to The Bachelor I can fit in one post.  Well, when I was looking back on some of my earlier dates of 2014, I remembered just how many more guys had the JP Syndrome back then compared to guys I’ve gone out with the last few months.  I don’t think I’ve done anything differently, so maybe I just happen to be going out with people who are more curious to actually get to know me.  Or maybe more guys watch The Bachelor than we think and have morphed themselves into Midwest souls like Chris Soules (ha, I amuse myself).  Guys: when you can’t hang out on Monday afternoon, I secretly know exactly what you are doing watching.

hey everybody chris harrison

3) So, about the First Date Check problem…

I’ll be honest, especially when I first started dating out of college and even still for most of 2014, I was a stickler about the First Date Check problem and seriously judged someone if they allowed me to split the check with them on a first meeting.  Still being honest here, I DO think it is in guys’ best interests to plan on footing the bill on a first date because believe it or not, I’m not the only person who is/was super picky about this.  Plus – and I admittedly still fall into this category – many girls just appreciate the old-fashioned chivalry that movies and TV shows showed us growing up.  All this said, I have begun to recognize that I don’t necessarily care TOO much about splitting on the first date anymore.  I’m not exactly sure what changed, but here’s my feelings (as of right now, at least): if we meet in a mutually convenient area or especially if he goes out of his way to go somewhere close to me, then by all means, let’s split it.  Honestly, sometimes I don’t even care if I pay for everything.  However, if it takes over 35 minutes and/or a $25 Uber ride for me to meet somewhere close to him, then I expect him to pay (I’m looking at you, Pompous Douchebag and Subway Kisser).

clarissa date meter

Thanks, Clarissa.

4) …and about the Second Date Hold Up

I used to think that if I wasn’t into a guy after the first date, then it was completely okay for me to just ignore him when he reached out again until he got the point.  Lately, though, I try to be better about giving these fellahs an explanation… buuuut it doesn’t always happen.  Then one of my good friends recently made an excellent point that makes so much sense to me: the first date check problem is the equivalent of the second date hold up.  In other words, if we are going to expect a guy to pay on the first date, then us girls should be obliged to respond when they ask us out again – even if that means somehow telling them we are not interested.

the second date hold up

5) Everyone should learn to travel alone and take some time with the #1: YOU.

It can be good for the soul.

happy being alone

6) I need to be pickier with my online dates.

Say whaaaa?! Sounds ridiculous since this whole blog is about how picky I am, but there are actually a lot of dates that I agree to go on with people that I am only semi-interested in based on their profiles and our brief messaging before meeting.  The result?  I’m not excited to meet up with them and they very rarely see a second date.  On the other hand, the first Hinge date I went on was with someone who I was super attracted to on the app, which led to me being SO excited for the first date… and I ended up really liking him.  I was also excited for the Sean Connery sober man and even though my interest in him waned with each date, the first one was still way more successful than my first dates with guys I wasn’t all that into.

picky shoes and eating

7) I need to be less picky when I meet someone in person.

If you don’t know me, you are probably quick to assume that I have always been picky.  Fair assumption, but back in high school and college I actually used to date/hookup with an array of people including a scrawny redhead, a guy shorter than me, someone who grew literally zero facial hair, and, well, you get the picture.  Basically, I wasn’t really THAT picky.  So this year, I resolve to try to be more open-minded if a guy I’m not immediately attracted to introduces himself to me and also isn’t one of the 99% of the population in a relationship.

lower your expectations

8) I need to grow some balls and start approaching good-looking guys again.

I also need to start wearing my glasses – or finally get Lasik – so I get better at determining when someone is good from far but far from good.  Being less awkward could help as well.

pocahontas greeting

9) Our friends aren’t very good at setting us up – with anyone.

I’m convinced that the cure to my pickiness is by meeting someone with a good personality through a mutual friend and get to know them through casual group hangouts rather than forced dates.  The problem is that absolutely nobody seems to know any single people that I would be willing to date worthy of me. There has got to be a better way to take advantage of the mutual/third-party connections listed in Hinge.

help a girl out

10) At the end of the day, you gotta date because you want to and not because you need to.

If I’d rather stay in and watch SVU, then that’s what I’ll probably do.  And I’ll be happy doing it.  Self-love, readers, self-love.

im awesome