Vibrators & One-Night Stands: Just Your Typical First Date Convo

I know there’s a handful of dates that I’ve promised I’d write about (and even though they’re old, they’re still worth posting), but first I want to share a crowd favorite that happened just under a year ago.

And it’s so good that I’m breaking it into two parts. (I’ll link Part Two at the bottom once it’s complete.)

Let me set the scene: It had been a while since I’d done the online dating thing, and so I decided to go all out on multiple apps. This guy matched with me on both Bumble and Hinge on the same day, and we quickly had a date scheduled. He was a bit older than what I normally went for, but I took that to be a positive. “OMG, he must be so mature!”

source

First Impression: Into it. His beard was on point, his height matched his profile info, and he was dressed well. No Kinda Catfishing here. Considering that so few online dating guys manage to get this immediate review from me, I was already on board for a date #2 as long as things went at least just okay.

Problem #1: Judge Judy

I kid you not, one of his first questions was, “when was your last relationship?” While I appreciate him not having the Juan Pablo Syndrome, this is REALLY not a question you should be bringing up on the first date – or at least not within the first 15 minutes of meeting. I answered his question truthfully… DEF shouldn’t have done that. Saying it’s been like seven years since your last relationship doesn’t look so great. But whatever. I said it. His response?

Him: So clearly you must not be looking for a relationship or something serious.

Me: What makes you say that?

Him: Well you’re all over the dating apps and haven’t been in a relationship in such a long time, so obviously you aren’t actually wanting that.

I was annoyed by his reply and told him that I was looking for a relationship but don’t want to settle just for the sake of being in one. That’s when he addressed how I was on both Bumble and Hinge *gasp* and wanted to know my history with online dating. I said I’d done a lot of online dating in the past but that it’d been some time since I was really active on the apps.

Him: So you must have a lot of vibrators.

Me: imsrywhat

Him: You haven’t been in a relationship for seven years and haven’t been doing much dating lately. So you must not be getting laid and need vibrators.

Me: ohrly

Me: Well, yes, actually, I do have a lot of vibrators.

Him: ohrlyguy

Me: And online dates aren’t the only way to get laid.

Him: So you’re saying you have one night stands?!

Me: source-1

Him: guyomg

Me: What? Are you saying you don’t ever have a one night stand?

Him: Ohhhh no trust me I do.

Me: Okay so then why the double standard?

He was totally lost for words and didn’t really provide me with an answer, but he was visibly judging me.

After that convo, I was kicking myself a bit because the answers I gave weren’t exactly the best responses to ensure that . my retention rate on the first date remained exceptionally high (not-so-humble brag). But like, at least I didn’t tell him the actual specific number of vibrators and things that I own.

Problem #2: Over-Sharer

Now that he had addressed my relationships (or lack thereof), he decided to dive into his. More specifically, his most recent breakup. He moved to Australia with her, things were fine, until they weren’t. Cheating happened, he moved back. I don’t judge him for what happened, but c’mon, buddy. Do you really think this is first date material to be sharing?

It only got deeper from there, but I’ll admit, I was equally participating in this next over-sharing topic just as much as he was. He mentioned how his parents were recently divorced, and as he gave more details about it, his scenario was so similar to my parents’ divorce about a decade ago. We both recognized it as a heavy topic to have with someone we had just met (vibrators, on the other hand, are a totally chill first date topic), but believe it or not, it wasn’t the worst convo ever. It’s not every day that someone can really relate to the kind of divorce that my parents put me and my sister went through. Strangely, it kind of redeemed him a bit.

giphy giphy

ATTENTION: I’d hope it goes without saying, but do not use your parents’ divorce as a way to improve your chances with someone on a first date!! It only helped this guy because it was very relatable to me and because there was nowhere to go but up for him at that point in the date. Also, I’ll admit: I was much more willing to cut him slack because I was attracted to him. Hate me for saying that, but it’s the truth.

Ok, so that’s part one of this date. If you think this is already going in a bizarre direction, you have no idea.

Stay tuned.

gets worse

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