Doctors & Kissing (A Public Service Announcement)

Get excited…because I am back in the online dating game!  After taking a break from dating in general, recycling someone who turned out to be the exact same as he was two years ago, and finally getting closure from my last relationship, the Picky Dater is once again meeting up with complete randos with a myriad of imperfections.

First up: the 30-year-old doctor. We started talking via OKCupid and he got major points for claiming to speak French fluently, for being well traveled, and for being tall. The whole doctor thing was cool too, but I’ll be honest, I keep finding more and more that I’m probably not the most compatible with the MDs. His scruff based on his photos was questionable, but I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt because he was Canadian.

Our first date was at a creperie. He clearly didn’t do enough research on the place because it was supposed to close literally ten minutes after we got there. BUT Mr. Quebec saved the day, spoke French to the owner, and they kept the kitchen open for us. Our second date was at a swanky speakeasy-type bar, but we met first near his apartment. I was a little turned off by the fact that he had me come up to his place before we walked to the bar, but his profile said he had a dog so I was willing to be momentarily ignorant to the fact that he could easily be Buffalo Bill’s copycat (and no, I’m obviously not referring to the football team). Both dates were decent. The crepes were delicious, the bar served some really interesting concoctions, and he was overall a good and interesting guy. However, the sparks just were never there for me. Not sure if the following problems played a factor in that, but I’ll let you make that judgement.

Problem #1: Kinda Catfish

First off, let me just say that I was lured under false pretenses into the apartment of a guy whose profession is cutting open the bodies of human beings. HE DIDN’T HAVE A DOG. I asked him why he listed that in his profile and even mentioned it on our first date, and he responded, “I do have a dog; she lives with my parents in Quebec.” Ok, maybe I’ll just add to my profile that I have a boat…but it’s owned by my second cousin’s ex boyfriend.

Also, it wasn’t just the dog. While his photos were not a completely inaccurate depiction of what he looked like, they were definitely taken a few years ago because he looked a lot younger in those photos. I’m not saying that this guy looked like a grandpa, but he looked a LOT more aged than any other 30-year-old I know, so it would have been nice to have had my expectations set correctly before meeting him. But whatever, I honestly had a bigger problem with the lie about the dog.

you liar

Problem #2: Speak Up!

It was really difficult to hear this guy.  I come from an Italian family where everyone is screaming, so this has never been something I’ve been good at dealing with.  While I’m willing to take some responsibility for this because I know my hearing isn’t perfect, I still cannot find a justification for why I had such a problem hearing him in the creperie where zero music was playing. Also, he did this thing that at first reminded me of the pompous douchebag: almost every time that I spoke, he would zero in on me, lean in, and squint his eyes at me as if deep in thought.  I originally would have listed that look as its own type of problem, but then I was told that sometimes people squint their eyes when THEY can’t hear someone very well.  If you ask any of my friends, I’m sure they would agree that it probably wasn’t so much a problem with my volume as it was his ability to hear.  Don’t worry, I cut this guy some slack and this wasn’t really a huge deal for me… but being picky, obviously I took note of it.

staring squinting

Problem #3: Bad Kisser

After our second date ended, he kissed me.  And it was bad.  It was like kissing a snake: his lips were pursed really tight but then he suddenly surprised me by quickly trying to slip some tongue in there…but then it was back in his sealed shut mouth before I could properly figure out how to adapt to this odd style of a prolonged goodbye kiss.

snake tongue

It was worse than when the anesthesiologist kissed me.  Which brings me to this: why is it that the doctors I keep kissing just don’t know how to kiss?  I know this brings me to a grand total of only two doctors that I’ve kissed, but since they were both bad and I also have a friend who shared the same displeasure of locking lips with a kissing-challenged doctor, I’m considering this a trend that needs some serious attention.  It’s genuinely concerning to me that these types of people spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on school and countless hours in residency only to suddenly be three decades into your life without the knowledge of how to give a gal a proper kiss.  I do have to commend both doctors for even going in for the kiss, since I’m sure that’s half the battle.  So let’s raise awareness for this cause and help prevent these bright men from losing out on a next kiss, a next date, getting laid, or whatever it may be that they were hoping to get after what should be a magical moment.

prayer circle

 

All in all, though, it wasn’t the kiss that killed it.  There just wasn’t any any chemistry there – both before and after he snake-attacked me.  He asked me out again, but I had to be honest and told him something was missing.

Advertisements

#Thursdate with College Grad & Persistent Sleaze

Since starting this blog, people have begun sharing their dating tales with me. This one in particular stood out to me and ended up inspiring my random #Thursdate blog posts. Why? Because between the many #ThrowbackThursday posts I see on this day, I’ll occasionally come across Instagrammed #Thursdate pics which always depict happy couples on happy dates.  Since it’s clear – especially in the single dating world – that dates are not always that successful, this will be somewhat of a “Bad Date Awareness Day.” Enjoy!

The Pre-Date Story
This particular tale comes from College Grad who was fresh out of a long-term relationship. However, the backstory began when she was still in a relationship while school was still in session; that is when she first met the Persistent Sleaze. She was out to dinner with a friend when this random guy invited them to go to a nearby bar (because, you know, beautiful girls over the age of 21 obviously need an invite in order to go to bars that are open to the public). The offer was declined but since he seemed friendly enough, they invited him to the school bars they were heading to. A bit later that night, he met up with College Grad and her friends along with his brother, Persistent Sleaze. Drinking ensued, and Sleaze kept making passes at College Grad despite her continued reminders that she had a boyfriend. Post-bars, Sleaze and bro were not in the best position to drive home, and for some overly gracious reason, College Grad and her friends offered them their couch to crash on. It should’ve been a major warning sign when Sleaze began lurking near her bedroom door to say goodnight, which somehow ended up with him spread eagle on top of her while she was half-asleep in her own bed. They kicked him and his brother out, and that probably should’ve been the last time she saw him.

get out

Flash forward one month, and College Grad was now actually a college grad… and single.  Sleaze texted her to invite her to dinner, and despite hesitations, she agreed, and the date was set.

Date #1: …Did He Just Say That?

Persistent Sleaze kicked off the first date with College Grad with the problem of inconvenience.  I’m all for being fashionably late, but let’s face it, that luxury is reserved primarily for women – and even then, there is a fine line between what is fashionable and what is rude.  For a first date, there is even less leniency with how late is acceptable.  So when the Persistent Sleaze was 30 minutes late to pick up College Grad, that’s entering the he-might-be-standing-me-up-and-I-don’t-like-this-one-bit arena.  Not only that, but he told her the reason he was late was because he got pulled over for speeding.  That’s exactly what every girl wants to hear.  “Oh great, not only am I getting into a car with a guy I barely know, but he is also a psycho on the road.  Excellent.”

crazy driver

Once they were downtown, the date was going pretty well.  There was good conversation, drinks (usually necessary), food (never a bad thing), and College Grad was enjoying herself.  After downing a few mojitos, Sleaze was making moves on her and putting his arm around her, but it was all pretty harmless.  They continue to have a good time, but a major red flag was raised with a casual comment that he made midway through a normal discussion. “Blah blah blah… I’m really horny.”  Wait… what?!  It was so random that College Grad brushed it off as him just trying to be funny.  Aside from that little derailment, though, the date wasn’t bad.  He paid for the bill, drove her home, and kissed her goodnight.  Apparently he wasn’t kidding when he said he was horny because it was clear that Sleaze wanted to do a lot more than just kiss.  Fortunately, College Grad has a good head on her shoulders and bid him adieu.

wait what

Date #2: Used?

After the first date, College Grad had lackluster feelings about seeing Sleaze again.  His persistence and overly eager requests to meet up again paid off in his favor, though, because they made plans a second date.  He picked her up (more or less on time) and went to a swanky restaurant near his apartment.  College Grad was wined and dined on his dime, and she had a genuinely good time.  Afterwards, he suggested that they get a bottle of wine and go watch a movie at his apartment nearby.  Feeling buzzed from the drinks and confident that she could handle herself, she agreed.  They did manage to make it through most of the movie before the makeout sesh started.  Things got hot and heavy, and Persistent Sleaze tried to take off her pants.  College Grad said no.  And this wasn’t a “no but I really mean yes and just don’t want you to think I’m a slut” kind of no – this was a firm NO.  Guess what?  He kept trying!  College Grad stuck her ground, which led to an argument between the two of them.  As if that isn’t ridiculous enough, Persistent Sleaze had the audacity to say, “I spent $300 on you.  I picked you up in my nice car and took you out to nice places. I don’t like feeling used.”

i feel so used

Clearly, this guy is a total douchebag. Not only had it just been two dates, but this guy thought that he could convince a girl to put out by telling her that her body was worth only $300.  (Good luck with that strategy, buddy.)  He continued to try to make a case for why she should feel obliged to go beyond her limits and then resorted to accusing her of being dramatic, of using him, and of fucking with his emotions. Persistent Sleaze finally gave up and had to drive her home.  Not a single word was uttered throughout the car ride, and he drove away and yelled “SEE YA!” the moment she exited his car.  Real nice.

The Aftermath

The very next day, College Grad received a text from Persistent Sleaze apologizing.  While it was a genuinely nice message, he was too late and had lost all hope of redemption with her. She ended up sending him a response about how his actions really upset her, and he responded two days later.  But he didn’t just respond, he published a novel.  She received eight rapid fire texts from him, all of them long paragraphs begging College Grad to meet up again.  He tried to convince her that he just wanted to talk and that he’s a good guy – and hey, he very well might be, but all efforts on his end were just pointless now.  Her ship had sailed.  Adios, motherfucker.

adios motherfucker

The Land Down Under

I have a LOT of catching up to do. Before I can begin the saga of my most recent attempts at a rekindled relationship, there are some past dates that occurred before my original hiatus from dating that deserve their well-earned post in my blog…

In early April, I connected with an Australian through OKCupid. We went on three dates in total, and to be honest, the first two dates were really good! He looked like his pictures, he was interesting, and he had a great accent. Unfortunately, by date three, I still wasn’t feeling it as much as I would have liked to by that point, but I still wanted to give him another shot to see if maybe something would develop. This is how he failed:

Problem #1: TMI

Third date in, he gave me a full run-down of the trials and tribulations of his very long-term (now ex-)girlfriend that he had while living in Australia – which, might I add, was less than a year prior to me hanging out with him. He told me how she was the love of his life, how they were living together, how he planned to marry her, how they were there for each other through thick and thin, and how she eventually ended up cheating on him and ended things suddenly. Look, I get it, we all have a past, and it’s not that I never want to hear things like that, but the level of detail in which he explained the rise and fall of this relationship was a bit too much for a third meet-up. He then proceeded to tell me about how he used to have cancer and the story surrounding his diagnosis, treatment, and recovery. It truly made my heart bleed for him, and I felt honored that he was comfortable enough to share such a personal story with me. Nevertheless, I had barely begun drinking my second beer by the time he finished putting it all out there.

oversharing makes me uncomfortable

Problem #2: Bad Kisser

After a few drinks at the bar, we headed back to the neighborhood where we both lived. I was thinking of just going home, but because making out with the guy who didn’t drink boosted my level of interest in him at the time, I figured I’d get myself a little more lip action than just the goodbye kiss. I invited myself over to his place (obviously he gave no pushback), and it didn’t take long for us to start making out on his couch. When he first whipped out the lower lip move, I was pleasantly pleased that he had some skill. But then he kept doing it. Every. Single. Time. Also, it’s not like he was sucking on my bottom lip with each kiss; he was using teeth. I kid you not, the skin on the inside of my lip started wearing thin.

lower lip kiss

Problem #3: Bedroom Embarrassment

I was straddling him as we were making out, and usually this helps give me an indication of the situation down under. It was pretty concerning when I wasn’t able to even get the slightest sense of what he was packing because I literally felt nothing. I started to convince myself that maybe it was just the thick material of our jeans (weak excuse, I know). So partially due to curiosity at this point and partially due to the fact that this was the only real action I had gotten in about 5+ months, I just went for it and took off his jeans to get a first-hand assessment of the situation. The result? Let’s just say that there was a reason I hadn’t felt anything while sitting on top of him, and it wasn’t because of the jeans. (While size could be it’s own “problem” category, I won’t go there.). Now to recap the scene: he’s there with his pants off and there’s absolutely no way I’m taking mine off…so I graciously decided to give the poor fellow head. His size made it easy, and it only took 90 seconds tops to get him off. What was the problem, then? As he came, he started to scream, no, WAIL like a wild banshee. I have never heard anything like it come from any human being in my entire life. He wailed for at least 15 seconds before grabbing a pillow and screaming into that. He then proceeded to tell me over and over, “OMG THAT WAS THE BEST I EVER HAD. THE BEST I HAVE EVER HAD EVER!” He wouldn’t stop freaking out about it, which was pathetic because it lasted less than two minutes and took zero skill on my part to make it happen. I seriously ended up insisting that he stop yelling about it, and I even said that I hoped he was lying because I felt bad for him if that truly was the best he’d ever had.

screaming yes

After my plan to try to like him more by making out with him backfired, I knew it was time to cut it off, which I did later that week.  He was a great guy, and I can only hope that since that night he’s learned to cool it.  Poor guy… but I deserve some pity too because I haven’t been able to completely forget the horror of his piercing screams.

embarrassed