The Land Down Under

I have a LOT of catching up to do. Before I can begin the saga of my most recent attempts at a rekindled relationship, there are some past dates that occurred before my original hiatus from dating that deserve their well-earned post in my blog…

In early April, I connected with an Australian through OKCupid. We went on three dates in total, and to be honest, the first two dates were really good! He looked like his pictures, he was interesting, and he had a great accent. Unfortunately, by date three, I still wasn’t feeling it as much as I would have liked to by that point, but I still wanted to give him another shot to see if maybe something would develop. This is how he failed:

Problem #1: TMI

Third date in, he gave me a full run-down of the trials and tribulations of his very long-term (now ex-)girlfriend that he had while living in Australia – which, might I add, was less than a year prior to me hanging out with him. He told me how she was the love of his life, how they were living together, how he planned to marry her, how they were there for each other through thick and thin, and how she eventually ended up cheating on him and ended things suddenly. Look, I get it, we all have a past, and it’s not that I never want to hear things like that, but the level of detail in which he explained the rise and fall of this relationship was a bit too much for a third meet-up. He then proceeded to tell me about how he used to have cancer and the story surrounding his diagnosis, treatment, and recovery. It truly made my heart bleed for him, and I felt honored that he was comfortable enough to share such a personal story with me. Nevertheless, I had barely begun drinking my second beer by the time he finished putting it all out there.

oversharing makes me uncomfortable

Problem #2: Bad Kisser

After a few drinks at the bar, we headed back to the neighborhood where we both lived. I was thinking of just going home, but because making out with the guy who didn’t drink boosted my level of interest in him at the time, I figured I’d get myself a little more lip action than just the goodbye kiss. I invited myself over to his place (obviously he gave no pushback), and it didn’t take long for us to start making out on his couch. When he first whipped out the lower lip move, I was pleasantly pleased that he had some skill. But then he kept doing it. Every. Single. Time. Also, it’s not like he was sucking on my bottom lip with each kiss; he was using teeth. I kid you not, the skin on the inside of my lip started wearing thin.

lower lip kiss

Problem #3: Bedroom Embarrassment

I was straddling him as we were making out, and usually this helps give me an indication of the situation down under. It was pretty concerning when I wasn’t able to even get the slightest sense of what he was packing because I literally felt nothing. I started to convince myself that maybe it was just the thick material of our jeans (weak excuse, I know). So partially due to curiosity at this point and partially due to the fact that this was the only real action I had gotten in about 5+ months, I just went for it and took off his jeans to get a first-hand assessment of the situation. The result? Let’s just say that there was a reason I hadn’t felt anything while sitting on top of him, and it wasn’t because of the jeans. (While size could be it’s own “problem” category, I won’t go there.). Now to recap the scene: he’s there with his pants off and there’s absolutely no way I’m taking mine off…so I graciously decided to give the poor fellow head. His size made it easy, and it only took 90 seconds tops to get him off. What was the problem, then? As he came, he started to scream, no, WAIL like a wild banshee. I have never heard anything like it come from any human being in my entire life. He wailed for at least 15 seconds before grabbing a pillow and screaming into that. He then proceeded to tell me over and over, “OMG THAT WAS THE BEST I EVER HAD. THE BEST I HAVE EVER HAD EVER!” He wouldn’t stop freaking out about it, which was pathetic because it lasted less than two minutes and took zero skill on my part to make it happen. I seriously ended up insisting that he stop yelling about it, and I even said that I hoped he was lying because I felt bad for him if that truly was the best he’d ever had.

screaming yes

After my plan to try to like him more by making out with him backfired, I knew it was time to cut it off, which I did later that week.  He was a great guy, and I can only hope that since that night he’s learned to cool it.  Poor guy… but I deserve some pity too because I haven’t been able to completely forget the horror of his piercing screams.

embarrassed

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So Much for My New Year’s Resolution

After the holidays passed, I decided to give Hinge another shot to kick off the 2014 year.  One of my resolutions was to try to be more open-minded and to give guys a chance who may not be my ideal “type” as far as physical attraction.  I set a date with a guy who did not quite meet all of my criteria in the looks department, buuuut he did improv so I figured he must at least be funny.  We decided on going to the bar down the block from me, which had not seen me on a first date since the guy I asked out at the bar.  When I met him, he was tall and had more scruff than expected, so things were off to a good start….at least, for the first 20 minutes.

Problem #1: TMI

He wasn’t as funny as I had hoped, but I didn’t care so much that he wasn’t leaving me in stitches the whole time. I did care, though, that he was divulging his entire financial situation to me. From loans to medical bills, it was sufficiently awkward for me to respond and react to the level of detail he was providing. Even if I hadn’t felt all that uncomfortable about what he was telling me, it just wasn’t an appropriate initial conversation to have on a first date with a total stranger.

help me im poor

Problem #2: Debate Team Champion

It just so happened to be trivia night, and even though we weren’t playing, we did try to answer some of the questions here and there. Due to the fact that I suck at trivia (unless it is Family Feud-style, duh), there were few questions that I knew the answers to.  However, apparently I retained something from my 12 years of Catholic school education because I immediately answered “Veronica” when they asked “who wiped the face of Jesus on the way to Calvary?”  Well…that sparked the beginning of his rant on Atheism vs. Catholicism, why he is Atheist, and why the rest of the world should be Atheist too.  He argued about science, about coincidence, about the evils of organized religion, the whole shabang.  Hey, I’m not even all that religious anymore, but once he finished talking, I was pretty much ready for the check.  For shits and giggles I did also ask him if he believed in karma or ghosts.  Again, he went into a passionate explanation about how we are here on this earth alone and there are no outside forces and when we die, we die.  No amount of alcohol was really able to improve the mood after that one-sided conversation.  If this is what he brings up on first dates, then I have no idea what controversial topics he must bring up to the public audiences who go see him perform improv.

cool it

The goodbye was also pretty awkward, but I won’t consider it as Problem #3 because I am sure I added to the awkwardness just as much as he did.  We hugged goodbye, I said thank you, then started walking the other direction.  He offered to walk me to my apartment, but I said it was just down the block and that it was totally fine.  I thanked him again and started to walk away when he said “ummm… ok…. I guess ‘bye’ then” – as if I was blowing him off. Sorry buddy, call me rude, but I wasn’t about to let him walk me to my door and see which exact apartment unit I lived in.  Thanks but no thanks.  And that is the last I saw of improv guy… and the last time I went out with someone I wasn’t at least somewhat-to-very attracted to.

Final Attempt at Tinder Dating

After my first Tinder dating experience, it was about six months before I gave it another shot. June 2013, and I was back on Tinder and had agreed to meet up with a guy my age who met my basic criteria of being scruffy, (appeared as though he would be) taller than me, and had a decent job.

Problem #1: TMI
There are two kinds of TMI: those that over-share when asked a question and those that just word vomit all over without even needing a question. This kid was the ladder. It was as if I was the substitute for a therapy session. He walked me through his troubling childhood and the challenges associated to his parents’ relationship (or lack thereof) followed by the deaths of other close family members; he discussed his previous relationship which ended 6 months prior when he found his best friend banging his live-in girlfriend of several years in his bed; and he shared the frustrations he has with his job and how this city is not exactly ideal for the field he works in. To be honest, I just wanted to give this poor guy a hug…which is all he did get at the end of the date.

sad hug

Problem #2: Juan Pablo Syndrome
Same as before, I was given few opportunities to talk during this little outing.

listening yawn

Problem #3: Stage 5 Clinger
I think I really like you.
I am so glad we met each other.
When can I see you again?

These were the first texts I got immediately after the date. The next day I got another text asking when he could see me. When I didn’t respond right away, he hunted me down on Facebook, messaging me: what happened?? Although I should’ve responded to his texts in a timely fashion, I still don’t think it was necessary for him to find me on every social media outlet to contact me. He deserved a response, yes, but it really shouldn’t have gotten to that extreme after only a few drinks and an app.

stage 5 clinger