Moving & Grinding Never Go Well Together

The first happn date I went on was back in March, and I specifically remember that it was an uncharacteristically nice day out which gave false hope for an early spring and a successful first date.  This guy was 29, and despite the fact that his photos didn’t accurately display how disproportionately large his forehead was to the rest of his body, he looked very much as I expected he would.  His look didn’t really fall into my typical dark and scruffy category, but I found him attractive enough to not immediately dismiss the potential of liking him within the first 90 seconds of the date.  That said, it didn’t take too long to dismiss him for other reasons.

Problem #1: Inconvenience

To be clear, “inconvenience” as it relates to this date is different from how it relates to any previous dates I had gone on.  No, it wasn’t a hassle for me to get there because it was basically on the route I take to go home from work anyways.  And no, it wasn’t at some ridiculous hour of the night either.  As far as logistics go, the date was not inconvenient.  The inconvenience really stems more from dating in general and how it takes up time I don’t have enough of and forces me to consume more calories than I should on a weeknight.  Going on dates is just an inconvenience that I’ve accepted; it is the prospect of eventually meeting someone that I mesh well with that keeps me from tacking the dating problem “inconvenient” onto every date I go on.

The reason this guy inconvenienced me was because shortly after we were seated and started talking, he told me that he’s moving to Dallas later that month.

wtf bro

Yeah, yeah, I get that he very likely was just trying to get a quick lay out of me. But he picked the wrong girl for that (ha, until maybe my next two happn dates…), and no way was he hot enough. So rather than enjoying this rare beautiful day and going to bed early, I was making conversation with a stranger I’d never see again. No thanks.

Problem #2: Work Obsessed

Like his first problem, he doesn’t quite fit into the dating problem category in the typical way either. You see, all of the “work obsessed” guys I’ve gone out with before can’t stop talking about their job and how much they love it. Not this guy. He couldn’t stand his job. Half the reason he was moving was to get away from his job and to get a new start and a new direction. Hey, I can admire that. But then he’d go back on the tangent of how much he couldn’t stand his job and career path in general. Fortunately, he avoided being Debbie Downer status because he had a hint of optimism about his future direction due to the upcoming move.

good for you

So all in all, was it a bad date? No, not at all. Compared to so many other dates, this guy was pretty normal, and we had decent conversation whenever he got off the topic of work. Did I see him again? No – he was moving to Dallas, remember? And I have 3 things to say to anyone thinking, “Aww, Picky Dater, if it wasn’t a bad date, then you should’ve given it another go! Long distance relationships can work!”:

  1. Just no.
  2. I’m the Picky Dater for a reason.
  3. He grinds. grindingI spotted him on the dance floor at a bar about two weeks later grinding up hard on this girl. I don’t touch humans when I dance, and I certainly don’t grind.

It wouldn’t have worked out between us.

absolutely not

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Forgettable Dates with Unforgettable Problems

The month of September brought three new guys and three new dates.  Like California Rolls and unseasoned grilled chicken, none of them were bad, but none of them were especially good.  They were just very…. mehhh.  Since no one exhibited enough problems to deserve their own post, I thought they should at least receive honorable mentions here.

Date #1: The IT Guy
Dating Problems: Dull and Work Obsessed

Funny enough, I had been talking to this guy way earlier in the year.  We had even gotten to the point where we took it offline from OKCupid and were texting.  Then one day, I woke up and decided, “I think I’ll go to law school today I seriously don’t want to go on any dates anymore.” So I stopped talking to him. Legit just straight up ignored the poor guy. Fast forward about half a year and I’m all of the sudden messaging him again to hang out. For some reason he was completely okay with the fact that I was “really bad at texting” – ha, yes, that was my excuse to him – and we decided to meet up. I can’t really say many bad things about the guy because he was very genuine, he picked me up and drove me home, took me to an AWESOME restaurant, and had scruff. However, he was in IT. Now, let’s be clear: that in of itself isn’t a bad thing. It’s actually pretty awesome. But let’s also be clear: I don’t consider data centers, SOA, firewalls, or JavaScript to be interesting conversation topics. In fact, none of these topics are even in the realm of being considered conversational to me since I have absolutely nothing to contribute except for the fact that I’ve heard of these terms at one point or another in my job. Soooo that’s exactly what happened: I didn’t contribute anything to the conversation. Look, it’s great that he knows so much about his field, but I’m already not a fan of talking about work outside of work…and I’m especially not too keen about listening to the technical aspects of things that make zero sense to me.

boring me to death

Thankfully, he did eventually ask me about myself as well (thus, preventing me from diagnosing him with the Juan Pablo Syndrome).  Unfortunately, he later began talking about World of Warcraft which pretty much solidified my lack of interest in him.  Game over.

Date #2: The Mover
Dating Problem: WTF Are You Wearing

I’d like to give myself a pat on the back because it turns out I haven’t completely lost all ability to pick up a guy in person. The only thing that really confuses me with this particular situation is that I barely spoke to this guy and, in my mind, I was super awkward in practically every interaction I had with him. Whatever, to provide some context: at the beginning of September my roommates and I were moving closer to the center of the city and obvi had to hire movers for the heavy lifting. One of my coworkers had recently moved to the same neighborhood and recommended the moving company that she used (and also just so happened to mention that the crew they sent was full of good looking people), so I quickly gave them a call and snatched up one of the earlier timeslots for moving that day. I have to say, even if they were completely unfortunate looking, I would absolutely recommend them to anyone because they were amazing. Buuuuut it also just so happened that most of them WERE good looking. In particular, there was one very tall gentleman that looked fantastically masculine as he lifted heavy things and put them back down.

huge biceps kiss me

Like I said, though, I was being pretty awky, and I swear to you that I could count on one hand the number of times I spoke directly to him. Nevertheless, I was fully prepared to give him my number before he left because a) he was hot and b) I needed practice making moves on guys in person since my game has seriously struggled since online dating has become my primary means of meeting new people. Unfortunately, in true awkward turtle form, I failed to give him my number, and soon each of the strong men were out the door. HOWEVER, later that day about two hours after the movers had left, I got a phone call from an unknown number. I rarely answer for unknown numbers, but for some reason I felt like it was going to be him. Not kidding at all, I had some strange woman’s intuition moment where I had this intensely strong sense that the call I was receiving was from him. And sure enough, my intuition did not fail me; it was the mover, and before I knew it, he had asked to take me out for dinner later that week.

awkward surprise

Fast forward a few days and we were set to meet up a few minutes from my new place. He kept pushing back the time when we were supposed to meet up, which was extremely annoying because we were supposed to be getting dinner and waiting until 7…and then 8…and then 9 to eat a real meal was beginning to bring out the hangry version of myself. Typically I would just ask to reschedule but by this point I was three large glasses of wine deep with my roommates and the restaurant was down the block from me, so when he was finally ready to meet up, I buzzed out the door to meet up with my tall mover.

thank you alcohol

I figured it wouldn’t be hard to spot him since he was SO tall, and sure enough he stood out like a sore thumb.  But it wasn’t just his height that made him stand out: he was wearing one of those collared soccer jerseys with massive lettering and obnoxious patterns all over it.  Something almost identical to this:

croatia polo jersey

psycho shower screaming

Now that my eyes were blinded by the sight of this horrendous shirt that should never be worn at any time except during the World Cup, I just wanted to feast my eyes on food and some more alcohol.  Thank goodness the food was good and that I already had a pretty good base level of drunkenness from the vino because my interest level in him continued to go downhill.  It turns out he was two years younger than me, had dropped out of high school, aaaand… well that was enough for me to rule him out entirely.  We finished up at the restaurant, he walked me home, planted a goodbye kiss on me (good kisser, I’ll give him that), and then the next time he texted me was on a Friday at 1am.

Date #3: The Hot Army Guy
Dating Problem: He Didn’t Like Me

Ok, so I don’t actually consider this to be HIS problem. The truth is, this guy from Hinge didn’t really have any dating problems. He was interesting, funny, and resembled Channing Tatum after I was a few beers deep.  Throughout the date (and even now in hindsight), I really did think it went well… with the exception that my hair got a biiiiit on the frizzy side on my walk to meet him.

crazy hair

Despite the hair, I thought it was a shoe-in for a second date.  I mean, we had good conversation and he was in no rush to leave the bar – he was actually the one who wanted to keep getting more drinks (and he was paying for everything).  As I play it back, I’m thinking it may have been a good idea to not accept that last drink.  Why?  Well, I was exhausted since it was getting late + I already felt pretty buzzed before that final beer = a recipe for drunken exhaustion in its greatest form.

screaming fall asleep

I’m imagining it had to have been something dramatic like that.  Because let’s be real.  There’s no other explanation for why he wouldn’t want to go on a second date with me.  EVERYBODY likes me.

everybody like mes

Ok, no, I’m only kind of kidding and just trying to make myself feel better by using too many GIFs while simultaneously refusing to bruise my ego and accept that I may have been the problematic dater this time around.  Or, hey, it could have simply been that he just didn’t feel any sparks, which I can’t blame him since I feel that same lack of emotion for just about every guy I go out on a date with.  So yeah, let’s go with that: he just wasn’t that into me. (On that note, he even said something straight out of He’s Just Not That Into You when we said goodbye: “I’m going to be out of town for the next week, and it will probably be difficult to get in touch with me.”) Needtheless to say, he never reached out to me.  I eventually made two attempts, both of which were answered with silence.  So I gave up on that, and even though it was a bummer, it’s nothing that I got hung up on.  If anything, it gave me hope that I am still capable of being attracted to my potential suitors and that I’m not asexual.  Let’s just put a positive spin on it and call this a WIN.

asexual

Impromptu Letdown

After connecting with someone online and determining that we want to meet up, there is usually about a week before we are able to lock down a day that works with both of our schedules.  However, this next OKCupid experience in mid-February started just about as quickly as it ended.

Although he wasn’t my typical “type” as far as looks went, it was his witty profile that prompted me to send the first message.  Things only got better as we messaged back and forth, which happened over the course of no more than two days.  We swapped numbers to make plans to meet up, and that same night he texted me asking if I’d be free in a few hours to go for drinks.  I was already set on spending the rest of the night in sweatpants watching TV with my roommates, but because I was so excited about this guy (it’s a rare day when I am that excited going into a first date), I got ready and headed to the bar down the street where I’d gone to numerous first dates before.

By the time I arrived, my hopes were sky high.  Unfortunately, his voice was even higher.  Think: Steve Urkel.

If I’m being honest, I really do not think I would have been able to go out with him a second time purely just because of his voice (sorry, it was just too obnoxious).  But he gave me a few additional reasons to make that same conclusion…

Problem #1: Work Obsessed

Unlike the hockey player who tried to lecture me on the best practices for prospecting new business opportunities, this OKCupid date and I did not work in the same line of business.  He was in the marketing world and worked with companies on their content and SEO strategies.  I was somewhat familiar with the digital marketing world, having previously worked in sales for a software provider in that space.  But does that mean I am interested in hearing about every detail of every project he has ever worked on?  No way, Jose.  He got all worked up talking about the importance of what he does, the techniques he uses in different client scenarios, and why more companies need to take advantage of marketing firms like his.  Before him, I never knew it was possible for anyone to get SO jazzed up about corporate keyword strategies and landing pages.  The level of passion that he had for his job was precious… but just not something I wanted to hear about all night long.

there is no one that can do what i do

Problem #2: Bad Kisser

As we were leaving the bar, I was hoping that he wouldn’t have to walk in the same direction as me so we could quickly part ways and be done with it.  Well, he did go the same way as me, and he went with a mission.  After a few minutes of awkward conversation, I hugged him goodbye.  He followed with “can I get a goodnight kiss now?” Ummm… no, and please don’t act so entitled.  Had I enjoyed the date and wanted to kiss him, I would have been all for it.  But overall lack of interest made his question awkward and the kiss (yes, I did kiss him) unpleasant.  In all fairness, the situation could have been worse, and I get that he was trying to be a gentleman by asking, which I can appreciate.

kiss denied

 

Surprise, surprise.  I did not take him up on his offer for a second date.