OKCupid Asks, “Would You Dump Someone Simply Because They Weren’t Good at Sex?”

Excellent question. Prior to the last guy I dated in 2014, my answer was “No.” His answer was “Yes.”

2015/01/img_3667.jpg

I’ve since changed my answer…and he might want to consider doing the same.

Date #1: Dread to Excitement

As I mentioned in #1 of my reflections of 2014, I surprisingly have a tendency to be NOT picky enough when it comes to who I go on online dates with because all too often I agree to meet up with someone only to find myself dreading leaving my apartment to go see him. This was one of those times…but to my surprise, it didn’t have the same usual lackluster ending.  Per usual, I wasn’t crazy attracted to him from the start, but he had scruff and was taller than me, so there was potential. And sure enough, as we started talking I grew to actually find him more attractive. Maybe it was the wine we were guzzling, but I felt like we were really clicking. Not sure if any of you follow me on Twitter, but here’s a snippet of a few Picky Dater thoughts from that night (read from bottom to top):

2015/01/img_3668.png

We ended up staying at the bar for a solid three hours and there was never a dull moment in the conversation. Believe it or not, I left that date wanting to go on a second one.

excited baby

Date #2: Hungover to Drunk Again

So I guess I’ll let my tweets set the stage again (read bottom to top):

2015/01/img_3691.png

Aside from the observation that I have a bit of an unhealthy obsession with SVU, hopefully one of your takeaways from this is “OMG the Picky Dater might not be asexual!”  Anyways, a quick summary on what exactly happened on Date #2:

By the time noon came around that Sunday and it was time for me to meet him, my hangover was in full force.  I was considering canceling, but it was way too close to the time we had planned on aaaaand his suggestion for the date was ice cream which was enough to get me out the door.  Ideally, I would have left my place wearing sweats with my hair up in a messy bun, but I decided to be a normal human being and look put-together for this date.

hair whip

We met at a local coffee shop and immediately: WTF Are You Wearing?!  He stole my hungover look and was wearing a fucking hoodie.  And not just any hoodie. It was a purple hoodie. With a massive anchor on it. All he needed were some gym shorts and he would’ve been right up there with the Boston Hater‘s fashion sense.

After the coffee shop, this guy, his hoodie, and I all set off to find this new ice cream shop in the city.  Along the way, we passed a mediocre Mexican restaurant, and he SWORE he read that this place was recognized for having the best fries in the city.  Because, you know, everyone knows that McDonald’s biggest french fry competitors are Mexican restaurants.  He was so sure of it that we went in, and the wait staff had the same reaction as me and thought he needed to get his head examined.  Obviously he was wrong, but now we had reason to get some chips and guac.  We stayed there for a solid 2-3 hours, my hangover passed, we ate lunch, and soon enough I had a margarita in front of me and I was drinking again.

cant say no to tequila

From the Mexican place we FINALLY went to get ice cream.  Once we finished, we went to ANOTHER coffee shop followed by a local bar where we watched football until at least 10pm.  Yep, it was a full-day date… and I was in no rush to leave.  He walked me back to my place, had a quick makeout sesh (outside of my apartment), and we parted ways.

Date #3: From Best Date in a LONG Time to a Really SMALL Ending

By the time we met up for our third date, I felt like I had known this guy for a while and that we had been out way more than just two times prior.  It was a Friday night and we went to a fancy sushi place followed by a fancy bar where we got fancy dessert.  It was honestly the most legit date I have been on in… I don’t even know how long.  So to recap the scene: I was still totally into this guy, we had an amazing date, and he was getting super handsy at the last bar… so I didn’t put up a fight when he suggested we go back to his place.  We started making out, blah blah blah, but his pants were still on.  It seemed like a while for us to make it to the bedroom, and when we did, you can imagine what happened.

wink

Wait.

hold up wait

No.

no im shocked

No. Actually, no you cannot.

NO

The only other time I’ve referenced the “Bedroom Embarrassment” dating problem was with the wailing Aussie, and in that post I said how his size was disappointing but that I wouldn’t go there.  Well, I HAVE to go there this time.  I hate to do it because I feel bad for guys because while girls can go get boob jobs or ass implants, I don’t think there’s much men can do about their size (but I could be wrong, I have no idea).  And just so all of you don’t think I simply have unrealistic expectations, I looked up the average size of a man’s erect penis, and he was about half the size of the the low-average length according to all the articles I read.  We tried again in the morning – “tried” being the key word.  For all I know, he may have felt quite accomplished.  I, on the other hand, was trying to figure out if he was ever inside me.  Yeah… that’s what it was like.  And no… he wasn’t able to make up for it by being really great at anything else.

Date #3.5: One Last Shot

I was obviously really disappointed after Date #3, but because I genuinely had started liking him before that, I didn’t want to just hang up my hat immediately.  So that Sunday, instead of heading right home after leaving my friend’s place, I stopped over to see him with the intention of giving it another go. We did… aaaand put simply, I thought he was still trying to get hard by the time he finished. I stuck around to watch a movie with him afterwards, but when he tried putting moves on me again, I had zero desire to even make out with him. I was frustrated and just wanted to go home. So I did.

dont wanna be here

It was a shitty situation.  I’ve actually had this post completed and ready to go for over a month but was hesitant to publish it because it was such a shitty situation. Aside from his purple sweatshirt, the problem that ended things isn’t anything like all the other “dating problems” which actually have the possibility of being remedied. So there’s that. Also, before anyone goes off on me about how there are probably plenty of ways to work around this size problem, I do have to add one thing: before sleeping with him, if you asked me if I would want to be exclusive with him, then I absolutely would’ve said no. Even though I was growing to like him, there was still something missing. Who knows, I may have been able to find that X Factor if I continued to see him and the sex was good, but the issues in the bedroom set me so off that developing those feelings further seemed impossible. As frustrated as I was about it all, I would have to imagine that he felt the same way or more. I was as nice as possible when I called it finito, and I really do wish him well because he was a great guy.  But hey, let’s all remember that according to his OKC profile, he would’ve been just as quick to kick me to the curb for similar reasons.

And that (finally) wraps up 2014.

Advertisements

The Moccasin-Wearing Admirer of Sidewalks

Being in sales and on an annual quota, the last quarter of the year is super busy for me.  Not a great excuse, but it’s the one I’m going with for why I haven’t been posting very often (sorry!). So bare with me, though, because eventually I will finish all of the drafted posts that I have started on each of the dates I’ve been on.

Anyways, if you have been keeping up with my dating life, then you know that I somewhat recently began serial dating (again).  The last guy I wrote about was someone that I was really not super attracted to prior to the date; fortunately, the very next day I had setup not one but TWO dates to make up for it.  The second date of the night was another “mehhh” date (oh, just you wait for me to share that story), but the first date of the evening was with someone I was genuinely very excited to meet.  Obviously, he had excellent scruff, but he also was clearly very well-traveled, was athletic (and more importantly, athletic looking), and was tall.  Top that off with the witty conversation that we had via OKC, and I was ready to go.  The only red flag was that he seemed to be a 9 out of 10 on the hipster scale.  I’m not trying to hate on the hipsters – ya’ll are cool in my book – I just personally don’t want to date someone that hipstery.  To give you a little taste for what I knew about his hipster ways prior to meeting him, here’s a screenshot of the very beginning of his profile:

IMG_3289.JPG

The plan was to meet at a small coffee shop after work, but because it closed early, we ended up meeting at Starbucks instead (yes, too mainstream for him, but he had no choice).  I was there first, leaving me to creepily stare at the guy who somewhat resembled my date as I was in line…. followed by me awkwardly walking back and forth from my seat to the napkin counter until I managed to see that the name on his coffee cup didn’t match that of my date.

staring hamster

Once that was figured out, I decided to stay seated and wait for him.  It was a centrally located Starbucks, so every few seconds someone new would walk in, and I’d stare-down every guy until I was sure it wasn’t my date.  I ended up just texting him where I was seated and then did some people watching.  Between the interactions between the baristas and their customers, the homeless man outside, and the people sprinting out of work to catch the bus, there was plenty to look at to pass the time.

Then the homeless man walked in… but it turned out he wasn’t homeless at all.  He was my date.

Problem #1: WTF Are You Wearing?

The fact that I thought my date was homeless probably sounds like an exaggeration – but I swear that I am being serious.  I remember looking out the window at this guy before he walked in and literally thinking that he must be a new homeless guy that now sits outside this Starbucks (because there’s often at least one).  He had a large lightweight trench coat on that was way too big for him, leaving only the very bottom of his oversized, super-casual slacks to show.  To be fair, though, his outfit was not horrendous; it just looked like he didn’t just come from the office job that he said he had.  What made me really think he was homeless was that I saw him walking around with a gigantic bag of stuff, which is what many of the homeless people in the area are seen lugging around.

This dating problem was escalated at the end of the date when he went to go unlock his bike and massive bag from the “No Parking” street sign in front of the Starbucks.  Because it was an area with such high pedestrian traffic, I was shocked that he had left everything there while we were walking around.  He replied by saying there wasn’t much that people would want to steal.  He proceeded to open up the backpack, and there they were.  Staring up at me from the top of his bag of goodies were… MOCCASINS.

stacy clinton shocking

And I’m not talking about your nice leather Cole Haan moccasins.  These looked like the exact same kind of moccasins I wore in kindergarten with the beads and fringe (although his didn’t have the fringe, thankfully?).  Yes, apparently they do make these for grown men.  And no, no man should ever buy these to wear in public.

Problem #2: Just… Strange

Let’s get back to the actual date.  Shortly after I met him, I dubbed him “the professor” in my mind because he just seemed like that boring teacher everyone has had at one point in life who had a serious stick up his ass and everything out of his mouth was always said in a very matter-of-fact tone.  He looked exactly like his pictures (which is a good thing), but it took less than five minutes for me to know that this was not going to go anywhere romantically.  Still, we had just met, and I had to spend at least SOME time with him.  So we decided to just walk around the area.  We wandered through a few smaller parks and squares until eventually we came to a statue.  He wanted to stop and read about it – which we did – and then he got REALLY into it and continued to say his thoughts out loud to himself (or maybe to me, but I didn’t contribute anything to his musings).  In my opinion, he was a bit overexcited, but whatever.  I already knew I wasn’t into him, so I just hung in there.

I knew it was time to head back and end this date when the next thing happened.  He started walking really slowly, then started looking all over the ground.  I asked him if he lost something, and his response was, “I’m just admiring the brickwork of this sidewalk.”

okay cool whatever

The date ended up lasting 40 minutes.  As we said our goodbyes, he said he didn’t have to go quite yet… but I told him I needed to go back into the office and get some work done (lies).  I never heard from this guy again after that.

Only 15 minutes after this date ended, I left for the second date of the night.

Forgettable Dates with Unforgettable Problems

The month of September brought three new guys and three new dates.  Like California Rolls and unseasoned grilled chicken, none of them were bad, but none of them were especially good.  They were just very…. mehhh.  Since no one exhibited enough problems to deserve their own post, I thought they should at least receive honorable mentions here.

Date #1: The IT Guy
Dating Problems: Dull and Work Obsessed

Funny enough, I had been talking to this guy way earlier in the year.  We had even gotten to the point where we took it offline from OKCupid and were texting.  Then one day, I woke up and decided, “I think I’ll go to law school today I seriously don’t want to go on any dates anymore.” So I stopped talking to him. Legit just straight up ignored the poor guy. Fast forward about half a year and I’m all of the sudden messaging him again to hang out. For some reason he was completely okay with the fact that I was “really bad at texting” – ha, yes, that was my excuse to him – and we decided to meet up. I can’t really say many bad things about the guy because he was very genuine, he picked me up and drove me home, took me to an AWESOME restaurant, and had scruff. However, he was in IT. Now, let’s be clear: that in of itself isn’t a bad thing. It’s actually pretty awesome. But let’s also be clear: I don’t consider data centers, SOA, firewalls, or JavaScript to be interesting conversation topics. In fact, none of these topics are even in the realm of being considered conversational to me since I have absolutely nothing to contribute except for the fact that I’ve heard of these terms at one point or another in my job. Soooo that’s exactly what happened: I didn’t contribute anything to the conversation. Look, it’s great that he knows so much about his field, but I’m already not a fan of talking about work outside of work…and I’m especially not too keen about listening to the technical aspects of things that make zero sense to me.

boring me to death

Thankfully, he did eventually ask me about myself as well (thus, preventing me from diagnosing him with the Juan Pablo Syndrome).  Unfortunately, he later began talking about World of Warcraft which pretty much solidified my lack of interest in him.  Game over.

Date #2: The Mover
Dating Problem: WTF Are You Wearing

I’d like to give myself a pat on the back because it turns out I haven’t completely lost all ability to pick up a guy in person. The only thing that really confuses me with this particular situation is that I barely spoke to this guy and, in my mind, I was super awkward in practically every interaction I had with him. Whatever, to provide some context: at the beginning of September my roommates and I were moving closer to the center of the city and obvi had to hire movers for the heavy lifting. One of my coworkers had recently moved to the same neighborhood and recommended the moving company that she used (and also just so happened to mention that the crew they sent was full of good looking people), so I quickly gave them a call and snatched up one of the earlier timeslots for moving that day. I have to say, even if they were completely unfortunate looking, I would absolutely recommend them to anyone because they were amazing. Buuuuut it also just so happened that most of them WERE good looking. In particular, there was one very tall gentleman that looked fantastically masculine as he lifted heavy things and put them back down.

huge biceps kiss me

Like I said, though, I was being pretty awky, and I swear to you that I could count on one hand the number of times I spoke directly to him. Nevertheless, I was fully prepared to give him my number before he left because a) he was hot and b) I needed practice making moves on guys in person since my game has seriously struggled since online dating has become my primary means of meeting new people. Unfortunately, in true awkward turtle form, I failed to give him my number, and soon each of the strong men were out the door. HOWEVER, later that day about two hours after the movers had left, I got a phone call from an unknown number. I rarely answer for unknown numbers, but for some reason I felt like it was going to be him. Not kidding at all, I had some strange woman’s intuition moment where I had this intensely strong sense that the call I was receiving was from him. And sure enough, my intuition did not fail me; it was the mover, and before I knew it, he had asked to take me out for dinner later that week.

awkward surprise

Fast forward a few days and we were set to meet up a few minutes from my new place. He kept pushing back the time when we were supposed to meet up, which was extremely annoying because we were supposed to be getting dinner and waiting until 7…and then 8…and then 9 to eat a real meal was beginning to bring out the hangry version of myself. Typically I would just ask to reschedule but by this point I was three large glasses of wine deep with my roommates and the restaurant was down the block from me, so when he was finally ready to meet up, I buzzed out the door to meet up with my tall mover.

thank you alcohol

I figured it wouldn’t be hard to spot him since he was SO tall, and sure enough he stood out like a sore thumb.  But it wasn’t just his height that made him stand out: he was wearing one of those collared soccer jerseys with massive lettering and obnoxious patterns all over it.  Something almost identical to this:

croatia polo jersey

psycho shower screaming

Now that my eyes were blinded by the sight of this horrendous shirt that should never be worn at any time except during the World Cup, I just wanted to feast my eyes on food and some more alcohol.  Thank goodness the food was good and that I already had a pretty good base level of drunkenness from the vino because my interest level in him continued to go downhill.  It turns out he was two years younger than me, had dropped out of high school, aaaand… well that was enough for me to rule him out entirely.  We finished up at the restaurant, he walked me home, planted a goodbye kiss on me (good kisser, I’ll give him that), and then the next time he texted me was on a Friday at 1am.

Date #3: The Hot Army Guy
Dating Problem: He Didn’t Like Me

Ok, so I don’t actually consider this to be HIS problem. The truth is, this guy from Hinge didn’t really have any dating problems. He was interesting, funny, and resembled Channing Tatum after I was a few beers deep.  Throughout the date (and even now in hindsight), I really did think it went well… with the exception that my hair got a biiiiit on the frizzy side on my walk to meet him.

crazy hair

Despite the hair, I thought it was a shoe-in for a second date.  I mean, we had good conversation and he was in no rush to leave the bar – he was actually the one who wanted to keep getting more drinks (and he was paying for everything).  As I play it back, I’m thinking it may have been a good idea to not accept that last drink.  Why?  Well, I was exhausted since it was getting late + I already felt pretty buzzed before that final beer = a recipe for drunken exhaustion in its greatest form.

screaming fall asleep

I’m imagining it had to have been something dramatic like that.  Because let’s be real.  There’s no other explanation for why he wouldn’t want to go on a second date with me.  EVERYBODY likes me.

everybody like mes

Ok, no, I’m only kind of kidding and just trying to make myself feel better by using too many GIFs while simultaneously refusing to bruise my ego and accept that I may have been the problematic dater this time around.  Or, hey, it could have simply been that he just didn’t feel any sparks, which I can’t blame him since I feel that same lack of emotion for just about every guy I go out on a date with.  So yeah, let’s go with that: he just wasn’t that into me. (On that note, he even said something straight out of He’s Just Not That Into You when we said goodbye: “I’m going to be out of town for the next week, and it will probably be difficult to get in touch with me.”) Needtheless to say, he never reached out to me.  I eventually made two attempts, both of which were answered with silence.  So I gave up on that, and even though it was a bummer, it’s nothing that I got hung up on.  If anything, it gave me hope that I am still capable of being attracted to my potential suitors and that I’m not asexual.  Let’s just put a positive spin on it and call this a WIN.

asexual